AIBU to help renovate my father’s bungalow instead of school pick-up?

[JustNotImportant]

Just looking for some perspective.

My Father has allowed us to live in his main residence as they are downsizing to a bungalow. This will be rent free, but the bungalow requires a lot of work.

I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children.

I work 50 hours a week, outside of work I also run our children to all their out of school activities as my partner does not drive.

I took two days off this week to help with the renovation, the way I see it is they are giving us an amazing opportunity and I will help where i can.

My partner has complained and told me my priorities are wrong because I won't pick our children up from school these two days, which would of been their pickups anyway because of work.

So mumsnet, are my priorities skewed? AIBU?

Did you discuss it with your partner or have you unilaterally decided to take two days of your annual leave and spend it apart from your family?

Anyway as others have said, need more info really.

If your dad's bungalow is down the road from the school, and partner wanted you to do the pick up because they/a younger child still at home is poorly or has a Dr's appointment or it's chucking it down with rain, or whatever, YABU to not take half an hour out of helping your dad and sticking strictly to whose "day" it is to do pickups rather than helping out your partner as well - it doesn't have to be either/or, you've still given your dad nearly 2 full days help.

If it would take you longer to get to school from your dad's than for your partner to walk, and there's no real reason why they can't do the school run, they just fancy a break from it because they see it as you being off work anyway then YANBU but even then I don't think it's that cheeky to ask. Perhaps they just thought it would be nice for the kids to get picked up by their other parent for a change - but they should just accept it if you say no rather than make a thing out of it.

Completely agree with this.

you took time off for a specific reason which will benefit your family. That’s what you should be doing.

If the partner seems like a spoiled brat in the situation where you in essence are buying your right to the house, I’d tell the partner to go earn the money then and buy you all a house. If there is more to it, you need to tell us.

Generally I'd agree, but more context is needed. Eg. If it would take you 10-20 minutes to drive to the kids school, drop them at home then head back, and doing that would save your partner an hour of dragging multiple toddlers on public transport to pick up the loder ones, I can see why they might ask.

However, if it would disrupt the planned renovation work significantly, then they should pick them up, however they normally would if you were working.

I didn’t ask for other reasons why people don’t drive. I said for me, it would be something I couldn’t live with, unless medical reasons.

How about your partner helps with the renovations and you spend two full days looking after all four children on your own? I’m prepared to bet you’ve never done that.

A SAHM with 4 children would absolutely question a partner who worked 50 hour weeks, leaving her to do virtually everything, choosing to prioritise rare annual leave days on something other than spending more time with their family and supporting her with the necessary jobs.

Or they could be a workaholic who uses any excuse to not do anything/be present in the home their four children live in and the school run was a time they actually spent time with the children.

A lot of men use work/overtime to hide away from family life. As pointed out, there is no security in this new arrangement, because they aren't married. There was a poster on here who was truly trapped because they lived in a house owned by family. That family then thought that they should be able to dominate their time. The OP's partner might see this as the shape of things to come and is pushing back.

Your partner needs to step up with help on the bungalow or get a full time job to help you out surely? Or tell him to pay £2k of rent a month to someone else?

So a "dump and run"
Will @JustNotImportant come back and enlighten us? or just leave it hanging?

Your partner is being unreasonable.

if you had taken a couple of days off to chill/time for yourself then I would say she wasn’t being unreasonable, however you have basically took 2 days off your paid work to do work to the benefit your family which includes her and the kids. She has her priorities wrong.

Pretty sure this will be a male OP complaining about his unreasonable stay at home wife. Which always makes me sceptical as the dynamic is a bit "I posted this on mumsnet and the whole of womankind told me I am right and you are wrong". I always wonder why they don't head over to Reddit or set up their own Dadsnet.

The answer is, we probably can't judge this one without hearing the mum's side of the story. If you work long hours and spend very little time with your own kids, maybe she is quite right that you should take this opportunity to engage with your own kids' daily life. Perhaps she is resentful of you having total control over how you spend your time when she is trapped at home. Your parents' generous offer increases your power in the relationship and reduces hers. Perhaps she is fed up with being treated like a servant? Who knows?

And what if the partner (who is most likely female in this situation) is quite happy with their current living situation, doesn't want to move into her partner's dad's current house at some point in the future once the dad's new bungalow has been renovated by her partner in the little spare time/ annual leave he has whilst leaving her to look after their 4 children who by his own admission his contribution to the parenting appears to be limited to running some of them to activities a couple of night a week.

What if having her name on their current tenancy is the last little bit of security she has in a relationship with a man who already controls the finances and considers her a non contributer?

We haven't been told yet ( as of 8.51) whether this SAH non driving partner is male or female.

No, we only hate idle, entitled, lazy men !

4 kids and doesn't drive? WTF is all that about?

Are all children in school or are they parenting alone all day to multiple kids?

If DP said he was going to reduce what he does at home to help his parents out I'd be a bit 🤨

It's always assumed that the SAHP will just pick up the slack. This is your agreed balance. I don't think you can just decide you're not going to do it anymore. You couldn't do that at work could you "hey boss just letting you know I'll be finishing early two days a week from now on so you'll have to close up for me"

If the agreement to the house was on the basis that you would need to help them out and DP agreed to that then YANBU. If this has just been dropped on them then I'd be annoyed. I'd also be annoyed with the feeling that this was an agreement that is now developing strings and I didn't agree to that.

I have been in a similar situation, that we are currently leaving. An agreement with DP parents that should have benefited everyone but they have added more and more strings and demands and made it impossible for us to the extent that the relationship that was once really good is now absolutely gone. I'd advise your DP to be very wary and plan to be moving somewhere else.

If the only things you do in the house or childcare wise is two school runs and taking them to football then they're already doing more than their fair share.

Also people being arsey about the SAHP not driving. 1. Not everyone can medically drive. 2. Where would the funds for driving lessons be coming from?

No your partner needs a reality check.

Unless he/she is too ill to drive he/she should be learning to drive ASAP as a priority. Also how old are your children and what is the plan going forward. Do you plan for your partner to be reintroduced back into the work place or to run a business from home at any point soon or are your children all very young?

I think the house should not be left or gifted to you both jointly as your partner sounds like they don’t contribute much and you sound a bit resentful in your post. So think you need to communicate better if you are to have any kind of future together.

Agree with this balanced and fair approach.

also, non driving partner should learn unless there is a medical reason not to drive if it’s so essential

Op was never doing these school runs though. If they hadn't taken the annual leave to help out with the renovation, the sahp would be doing the school runs as normal

The sahp wants op to do the school runs as an extra due to op being on annual leave. Op doesn't want to as they have committed to the renovation, which in their eyes is the reason for the annual leave

She could get a job and contribute… if it’s a she

That's quite the take. Op is using their leave to help get the family into rent free accommodation.

Do you always see the negative?

The partner is doing all the parenting of 4 children and all of the household stuff aside from running them to some after school activities which the OP does?

The partner has suggested that rather than spending two days annual leave helping their dad they could perhaps spend some time with their immediate family? Perhaps do the school run for a change?

Are people missing that the renovations are being done for dad not for the immediate family, and that the SAHP usually does all of the school runs but has suggested that the working parent might like to do them on the days they have taken annual leave as a one off?

I was assuming the partner is the woman in the relationship. The OP is a man.