AIBU to help renovate my father’s bungalow instead of school pick-up?

[JustNotImportant]

Just looking for some perspective.

My Father has allowed us to live in his main residence as they are downsizing to a bungalow. This will be rent free, but the bungalow requires a lot of work.

I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children.

I work 50 hours a week, outside of work I also run our children to all their out of school activities as my partner does not drive.

I took two days off this week to help with the renovation, the way I see it is they are giving us an amazing opportunity and I will help where i can.

My partner has complained and told me my priorities are wrong because I won't pick our children up from school these two days, which would of been their pickups anyway because of work.

So mumsnet, are my priorities skewed? AIBU?

To be fair, they did say they work 50 hour weeks. They might be back to update later. It's a bit early to get the pitchforks out

Well we can agree on that, she sounds financially very vulnerable with the OP who clearly doesn't see her as an equal partner.

Firstly, we don't know if OP is male or female, and we don't know if partner is male or female, so all comments about how useless or otherwise men and women are are irrelevant.

When you are doing manual work like decorating or gardening you cannot really just leave it halfway through to go and do a school pick up. Stuff has to be tidied away not just left lying around, you have to make sure hands and clothes are clean and won't mark car seats.

Partner is being unreasonable, and should also learn to drive in the long term.

And at any moment the father could pop his clogs and who knows who is due to inherit the house.

Maybe she did until OP decided he couldn't possibly be a parent AND work so was forced to give up working (as is often the case). Maybe she doesn't want to sell up and move her only asset into family funds.

But I agree that things need to change. Clearly both are unhappy with the current balance. Maybe we could all list how much our own husbands do around the house and towards childcare whilst working FT to enable us to hold onto our careers.

Having to be responsible for all the driving as well as being the only one working is a big bind that trying to minimise to “some” school activities doesn’t wash.

If DP wants to share the school runs then they can get a job and do half each.

I don’t see the issue with taking 2 days of annual leave to facilitate free accommodation.

How old are the kids? If you're about to drop that she's got newborn twins or something, then yabu.

Otherwise yanbu.

He is right, you should do the childcare for those 2 days while he is helping with the reno
unless it's half term and he needs to look after all 4

She doesn't want to share the school runs she's suggesting he might like to do them on the 2 days annual leave he has taken! Not forever

YANBU. Your partner is getting a great deal and they should learn to drive or get the bus. It might seem irritating to have the normal routine disrupted by what feel like 'favours' to your father, but your partner needs to see the bigger picture.

Have you suggested that your spouse/partner go to the bungalow for two days instead of you? What are you going there to do?

Because it's a choice - the work needs doing, your family will benefit by the in-laws moving into it asap and being safe and happy.

But while I think your SAHP is being unreasonable to think you should do the pick ups - drop offs perhaps as far less disruptive than the middle of the afternoon; it is perhaps worth considering that they might like to be included in this. If they would, then they'll be game but if they are just being selfish then they are being unreasonable.

It was a question. But I bet I’m right.

Everyone assuming OP is a woman and the lazy offender is a man… I’m curious on the answer.

It’s kind of worth doing 2 days of school runs for the sake of free housing no?

Good to see that the genders being left out has sent everyone over the edge.

YOUR PARTNER IS A WASTE OF SPACE - DONT LET THEM COME WITH YOU!

Edited to add - it looks like from the wording near the end of the post these are the NORMAL days for the partner to pick the kids up, so nothing should change. Lazy c u next tuesday. Not many people seem to have picked up on that in their responses.

You're helping your dad and getting a whole damn house out of it.

Your partner is extremely unreasonable to fuss about 2 pickups. You're getting a whole damn house.

They can do the reno work to specifications if they object to you doing it for a whole damn house.

As a stay at home parent of 4, unless there's medical reasons, they need to be driving. What if there's a medical emergency?

Oh and I have epilepsy and don’t drive because of it and manage to get my kids from a to be including school and activities.

Regardless of that, the at home parent usually picks up the children on those 2 days anyway. So whether OP is working or renovating on those 2 days, your point is moot.

A stay at home mum with 4 kids would be doing the school pick ups and all the club running around. Not sure how many if any of the 4 aren’t in school but clearly some are so I’d say he’s doing nothing like the amount of work a stay at home mum does!

Partner will have no claim on the house unless they are married (which I assume not) and/or if they invest money into the improvement of it.

Partner is getting a rent free home (aside from the labour OP is doing on bungalow) so perhaps ought to be supportive - but she may see it as time away from her/their family developing an asset in which she has no legal rights/claim. From her perspective she may feel OP is taking time away from the family unit to protect his interests in DF’s assets and that this does not benefit her as an unmarried partner. Long term, obviously, their kids benefit, but she has no security in this set up, does she, so perhaps this is why she is being a bit unsupportive?

That said if OP is helping DF, is it really a big issue to pop out and collect the kids?

YANBU. If they would usually do pick ups and you are taking days off specifically this purpose, why on earth would they think any different? They are being unreasonable. I also think being a SAHP and not driving, unless in a well built up area with great transport links, might need addressing if it is creating problems. I think your priorities are definitely in the right place. How are things going otherwise for you though? This seems like a very clear, obvious situation so I'm wondering if there are other issues or there's something missing here.

Where are you getting that from?

We have no details

Clearly, the SAHP who normally collects the dc continues to collect the dc, as the WOTH parent, is still WOTH, just - for these two days - instead of for usual employer, is helping a relative who is being incredibly generous to the family in letting them live in a rent free house. Nothing extra, or additional is being asked of the SAHP, whose literal contribution to the household, is to look after the dc and the house.
Of course YANBU, OP.

Thats a bit unfair re the comment about not living with a non driver! I’m a non driver but apart from driving my daughter to her one club, driving to supermarket and driving us for family days out, there is nothing else I can’t do as a parent and plenty I do that my husband doesn’t! I still do the majority of pick ups and drops off for school (on foot) and we are on public transport together for appointments, errands, and days out ALL the time.