AIBU to help renovate my father’s bungalow instead of school pick-up?

[JustNotImportant]

Just looking for some perspective.

My Father has allowed us to live in his main residence as they are downsizing to a bungalow. This will be rent free, but the bungalow requires a lot of work.

I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children.

I work 50 hours a week, outside of work I also run our children to all their out of school activities as my partner does not drive.

I took two days off this week to help with the renovation, the way I see it is they are giving us an amazing opportunity and I will help where i can.

My partner has complained and told me my priorities are wrong because I won't pick our children up from school these two days, which would of been their pickups anyway because of work.

So mumsnet, are my priorities skewed? AIBU?

Your partner needs to learn to drive.

I think it depends on the time it takes you to pick up reathet than them.

Taking a whole day off and using an hour of it to pick up your kids isn't a big deal. Especially if your journey and effort is going to be easier than theirs because you've got a vehicle.

Sometimes, I think people spend more time arguing about shut than things actually take to do.

How close is the school?

Unless the school is just down the road from your Dad's and it would be only be a 10 minute job, YANBU. Presumably your partner usually manages to do the school run and you are using your time to do something which benefits the family.

Why does your partner want you to pick up the kids rather than them as normal?

I dont see the issue with going your dad especially if you are back to do all the kids clubs that you usually do.

Your priorities are not skewed and your partner should be supportive of everything to facilitate your DF’s generous offer. (BTW, don’t let your DH give you the house as if you are headed towards a split with your partner you don’t want your partner to have a claim on it).

That said, I very rarely get to pick my DC up from school as I also world full time but on the rare occasions I do they are so pleased and you hear far more about the day and how they really feel in the moment than you get when you are only seeing them later on after they are already home. So like PP, unless it would have taken a huge amount of time out of your day, I would have taken a quick break and treated myself to a rare school pickup.

Yanbu.

You have taken the time off work for a specific reason...to help renovate the property.

Partner usually does pick up. Unless they have some massively important appointment that you have not mentioned, then they should pick up as normal

Yanbu, partner should pick up as normal.

Side note - I could never live with a non-driver, unless for medical reasons. It’s a complete abdication of responsibility, especially if you expect the other person to drive, and use it as an excuse why you cannot do something.

Error your partner needs the priorities sorted. What is he bringing to the party?

@Littlemisscapable
He or she is the stay at home parent of 4 children- that’s what they are bringing to the party’.

I think you have bigger problems. It’s not sustainable to have 4 children and be the only one to drive them around. You need to either find activities that are walkable or bussable or they need to learn to drive. Way too much pressure on you.

about this one - obvs not on you. If you partner has literally no other responsibilities besides the school run they should carry on doing it while you create a home for you all. Hopefully they are helping with the renovations as well

Why does your partner think you should pick up your children?

I used to do all pickups, but on the odd occasion DH was off work, the children really loved him picking them up, seeing their school, meeting their friends etc. So, I would also have encouraged you to pick up on at least one of the days.

You have a home rent free and your DP doesn’t want to pull his weight or do pick ups so you can renovate bungalow? He should be putting spare hours renovating too! He’s got it made hasn’t he, you earn all the money and have to run the kids to all their out of school activities he sounds like a cocklodger

I’d need more details to know who was unreasonable.

Yes, it’s their usual days to do pickup, but do they only usually do those days because there’s no other option, and it’s a massive inconvenience? Long walk, complicated public transport with four kids, some of your kids are tiny and a pain to take along etc. If so, you’re unreasonable. If it’s an easy job for them then you’re not unreasonable.

Likewise, how far away does your dad live? If it would have severely cut short your time helping him, you’re not unreasonable. If you could have done the pickups and been back at his within an hour, you’re unreasonable.

Missing two days of activities is hardly a crime, and you are helping to renovate a house, so you have a home to live in.

Your partner should take an uber or learn to drive or cycle one if those carrier bikes
what is the point of them if they are a sahm to school age kids and can’t do the main job which is school pic ups and evening

Wow
doubt stay at home mum with 4 kids would be asked what they bring to the party

mumsnet really do hate men

If it takes the SAHP an hour each way, 3 buses with two pre schoolers in tow and you could do the pick up in 10 minutes, you are being unreasonable.
If it takes a 10 minute stroll, and the bungalow is 3 hours away, the SAHP is being unreasonable.
That said, when I was a SAHM, I always did the school run. In the odd occasion DH was around, my DCs loved Dad picking them up.

All depends on the details really.

When I was a SAHP it involved doing all the things that came with looking after the DC while my DH was at work.

If my DH had taken a day or two off of his main job to do work on the house I would still have looked at this as him working and not expected him to do school pick up.

If it's days that your DP would normally collect the DC from school why do they think you having time off from your day job inorder to get work on the property seen to means you should also down tools midway to go collect the DC instead?

YANBU, but I think you know that and just want reassurance. It seems you very much have your priorities right in helping with the renovation, given you’ll (as a family unit!) be benefitting greatly from the move.
With all that being said, it’s hard enough to be a SAHM to four children (I expect, I’ve two!) without the added complication of being unable to drive. I’d be making it a priority (!) to rectify that, if it’s possible. Otherwise, maybe they’re just no longer happy to be a SAHM (or SAHD, just realised it doesn’t say either way!) so perhaps a discussion about longer term goals etc is needed to move forward without these sorts of issues?

SAHP does the pick ups surely? He/she should learn to drive too! (Medical conditions permitting of course.)

Lazy bugger needs to pick up his children. Is he capable of helping with renovations or just happy to freeload off your dad?

You need a contract with your dad regarding the house and your DP needs to learn to drive.

The SAHP does picks up; whats the point in being a SAHP if cannot drive unless there’s extremely good public transport?

Why are we all assuming the op is a woman here?

Would a SAHM with 4 children be moaning about doing school pick up though? That is one job which is 100% the SAHPs job.