AIBU to help renovate my father’s bungalow instead of school pick-up?

[JustNotImportant]

Just looking for some perspective.

My Father has allowed us to live in his main residence as they are downsizing to a bungalow. This will be rent free, but the bungalow requires a lot of work.

I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children.

I work 50 hours a week, outside of work I also run our children to all their out of school activities as my partner does not drive.

I took two days off this week to help with the renovation, the way I see it is they are giving us an amazing opportunity and I will help where i can.

My partner has complained and told me my priorities are wrong because I won't pick our children up from school these two days, which would of been their pickups anyway because of work.

So mumsnet, are my priorities skewed? AIBU?

If your partner typically picks up the kids on these days I don't understand why they are expecting you to do it, did you .ake a prior promise to do it or something?

What about a sahm who usually did the pick up but expected her husband to do it as he had the day off work (to help his father with something that benefits them as a whole family)?

As PPs have said the devil is in the detail. Are his DC older children, or does he have young babies and toddlers that he has very little to do with?

I'm going to assume you aren't ferrying all 4 children about in the evenings, and I'm curious whether all of the kids are actually school age.

You sound like you're purposefully overemphasizing how much you do and how little they do. It seems incredibly immature and you won't get a balanced perspective.

If your partner is the SAHP and all children are at school, why are they not helping to renovate the bungalow during school hours or for 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon?
Please do not come back with, it is heavy/skilled work, wallpaper stripping is easy, as it helping to clear up mess (into a skip).

“would of” is incorrect, it’s would have.

Yanbu, your partner should’ve picked up the children as normal - you weren’t relaxing with your feet up, you were working on another project that’s saving the whole family money.

Also if all the children are at school, your partner should also be doing their bit to help out with the bungalow.

I originally thought they were the male partner.

To be honest, it shouldn't take long to do a school pick up and the DC would probably love it. Its not an all day task. If it is an all day task, then you need to move house or school

It doesn’t matter who is M/F/same sex. The person at home should pick up as usual, why on earth wouldn’t they.

You know you are not being unreasonable.
the real question is how do you get your partner on board in a positive way

I'd love to hear the other side of the story on this. I bet it's absolutely not as portrayed by the OP

I'm guessing a SAHM with 4 children to juggle whilst partner works long hours and provides very little help beyond driving the older children to activities a couple of nights a week but subsequently considers this an equal contribution to the parenting being completed by both of them. On top of that the OP clearly feels that the SAHP isn't 'working' because they aren't earning.

The OP doesn't mention completing any cleaning or domestic tasks in their own home, or any childcare beyond a couple of activity runs so it's reasonably safe to assume this is all otherwise being done by the SAHM with little help from OP otherwise they would have listed it.

When the OP does take two days off from their paid employment it's not to spend time with the family that they are apparently already away from 50hrs a week but to help their dad renovate the bungalow their dad is moving into. This is justified by the OP that they can then move rent free into dad's current property.

Doesn't sound like they are married and the OP is planning to move the SAHP and children into their dad's house which the SAHP will have no legal claim to and no security in. As its still owned by OPs dad who isnt charging any rent the SAHP presumably also won't have any tenancy rights or ability to make decisions about changing anything in the property, whilst living with someone who already looks down on them and undervalues their contribution to the family.

I suspect the SAHP has pointed this out to OP who has huffed off to MN with half a story to prove to the SAHP that all the other mummies think she is unreasonable so she needs to STFU.

No it doesn't but in ops case the partner seems happy to let op do 50 hour weeks and help with renovations and not actually step up themselves.
Obviously the working situation works for them but it's a bit much to expect op to do pickups if that's usually the partners job.

It's going to be a bloke wanting to be able to brandish his phone in her face saying 'Look, all these women say you're a useless, lazy cunt for thinking that the kids might like me to pick them up from school for a change'.

You know, isolate her from an online source of support just as she's going to be giving up any security in accommodation.

Partner sounds like a waster. I’d move them out pronto.

The sahm needs to do the school pick up. Do they not have taxis/buses? We’ll be told next that they live in the middle of nowhere.
Not sure why the sahp isn’t doing more?

How do they normally do the school pick up? How do the children get home if you are working on the bungalow?

YANBU and your priorities are not skewed.

This. There could be a valid reason for not driving. I used to drive but had to stop due to severe sight loss. However if the SAHP usually does the school run they should still do it if OP is off work to help their DF with the bungalow.

Sounds like they do they pick up all of the rest of the time. They are just asking if OP might like to do the pick ups on the two days annual leave they have taken instead of spending the day at his dad's new house? You know spend some time with the children he barely sees by the sounds of things?

Yes - I said medical reasons excepted.

I wouldn't be surprised.
But then, I wasn't the one using words like "cocklodger" or "waste of space" for the SAHP.

It's not always medical reasons why people don't drive.

We don't actually know the sexes of the parents...you are just assuming here

Also, ferrying to and from activities may actually by a huge chunk of the evening, making the working parent not "barely see" their kids. I know that in our house, we only have 2 kids but their separate activities take up 4 evenings and a weekend morning each week. Its quite a big task and one that we do split as after work, it can feel like a "chore" So if that is always falling to the working parent, then they aren't shirking their family responsibility in my experience

In this situation though, the annual leave has been taken for a particular reason that will benefit the whole family in the long run. So it should be used for the purpose it was taken, not to pick up school runs

On the surface it appears your partner is being unreasonable but it depends on how long the school run takes, what ages the children are, if there is any SEN and how involved you normally are as a parent.
I have to admit I don't like doing the school run and it sometimes does affect my health problems so love it if DH or one of my older children are able to do it but this is rare so I just get on with it.
If it would have taken you 10 minutes you are more unreasonable but your partner should understand you are helping your dad because he's been extremely generous and the outcome benefits the whole family. So without more details it's hard to say who's being most unreasonable but it's kind of expected that SAHP does the school run.

You don't know that the poster is female and the sahp is male. Poster could be male (which is how I read it) and partner female. Or both female/male.

I doubt a stay at home mum with four kids would question doing the school run

Your dad let's your family live rent free in a house. Of course you should help him renovate his bungalow. Don't bite the hand that feeds and all that...

The SAHP should pick up the children from school and make it work. If you were on annual leave without this commitment, they would have a point that you should share in the pick ups.