AIBU to be upset my partner has not visited after surgery?

[NiftyRoseDreamer]

So I, 23F have been with my bf 26M for almost 3 years now. I had a pretty big knee surgery 6 days ago, which requires me to not be able to walk for 6 weeks and is very painful. I am yet to have a visit from my partner and no plans to visit me anytime soon. For context, he lives an hour away and is sharing a car with his dad atm. There is also a train that runs directly from his house to mine that also takes one hour (costs $0.50 each way). He currently works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long. Now if it were the other way around I know for sure I would be there for him the night after his surgery to be there physically to help carry things and make food etc, also emotionally to comfort him as it’s hard recovering from surgery. I don’t expect him to be there for me 24/7 but a one hour visit to show he cares would’ve meant a lot especially since I can’t leave my room for 6 weeks. Now the bigger problem arose when I brought it up that I felt disappointed from the lack of support. He said “you had a 2 hour foot surgery it isn’t that serious” also said “i’m in more pain than you” because he lost $400 that day trading, also “there’s people in a war right now” “stop sooking” “just take more pain killers” just to list a few things. I know that there are people going through worse things than me currently. But this feeling of lack of support is really getting to me. Things are really good between us when we are together in person. AIBU to be so upset by this? I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this.

I'm glad you've come on here to get some perspective. Abusive partners like that can really mess with your head. You aren't expecting too much to want a visit after surgery. He should have been there when you came out of anaesthetic and brought you food and kept you company etc.

He is not worth it. Good luck with your recovery and hopefully you can enjoy time without this loser in your life.

Get rid. Serious red flag!

He's showing you his true colours. He doesn't really care at all. Believe it, this is who he really is. A Fairweather friend. When you've recovered bin him off.

He's not your partner. You are in your 20's and don't live together - he's a boyfriend.

I was going to say actions speak louder than words. But his words have also been unkind, uncaring and unsupportive as well as his actions.

At least you've found out now rather than when you're old with a serious illness, or when you're pregnant or something, so you can easily split up and find someone that actually wants to support you when you need it.

I agree with PP you need to dump him, don't give him chance to pretend like he cares, as he will just be putting it on so you don't dump him again rather than actually wanting to look after you.

I'd also consider getting some sort of therapy to look at why you think you might be unreasonable to be upset at his shitty behaviour. The fact that you said you can't tell your family or friends shows that you know everyone would think he was wrong...but you're still questioning if his behaviour is wrong, almost like on some level you think you deserve it.

You say "I'm worried if I ask my family for advice as they might not like him" That speaks volumes that you already know that he's wrong for you, but still you choose to protect him from being hurt by constructive criticism thus enabling him to continue such behavior. He is not your baby 🍼 it's not your job or responsibility to guide and mould him into adulthood. He is an adult. From what you say, he clearly doesn't have natural caring feelings for you. Look at the many supporting comments for you from complete strangers compared to your so called boyfriend. Try trusting your natural instincts , they will serve you well throughout your life, your answers are within you. Genuinely Wishing you the best outcome for you 🙏🏼 🪷

He is a self-centred man-child and not a keeper; dump!

As a mother of a girl a few years younger than you, I beg of you, please dump him. He is not for you my love x

Not sure if others have commented on this but what stood out for me is that last sentence. You don’t want to tell your family how he’s being because they might dislike him for it. Listen to that voice, I beg you. That’s telling you that objectively (recognising that family will be on your side) his behaviour is not acceptable. Covering for him is enabling him. I have been there. And it does not improve. Please value yourself enough to find a partner who values you as much.

He should want to see you OP .
He doesn’t.
I wouldn’t like for him to be my boyfriend .

So I have lots of experience of this. Been married a long time. I had surgery early on and he was very attentive.

Then as time passed life became busy etc. with our 2nd child I was hospitalised with pre-eclampsia. His mother was staying to help us with the toddler. I hadn't seen him in 2 days because of work and childcare and begged him to visit because I was going crazy. He went and played poker with his friends.

ive recently had 4 surgeries about 4 week hospital in total over a few months. He visited once after the first surgery. Otherwise he doesn't visit or call or message so I am alone in hospital bored witless.

he was at least there at the beginning but this is the future for you if you stay with him. You will feel like you don't matter and that he doesn't care.

i genuinely think you need to reconsider your relationship

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m so sorry he is not supportive. He doesn’t seem to listen to you properly or show any care. And his attitude stinks. If this is how he treats you, think about the future. If you have a child, he won’t even try to understand the struggles of pregnancy, birth, postnatal recovery, newborn struggles…. He will tell you to get over it and pull yourself together. And then what about when you have a toddler, young child, teen… they will copy his behaviour. Please give yourself some credit and start looking for someone who deserves you. Tell this a-hole to grow up and learn how to think about someone other than himself! All the best.

He should actually be staying with you to look after you.

I’d dump him while in the hospital by text, he doesn’t deserve anything more

Something similar happened with me with my ex, I also didn't want to tell family members because I was worried they wouldn't like him after that - that should have told you a lot. It should also tell you alot because deep down you'll know he's treating you badly.

I wish I dumped my ex long before I did. I wasted 10 years on him. Please please don't accept being treated like this.

Dump him, he doesn’t care about you.

You need to think seriously about your future. If he can’t even show up for this, what happens next when it’s something bigger. Or you are pregnant, just given birth.

This is not a “man” that will show up when you need him.

Don't waste anymore time on this loser. He is showing his true colours. Get rid now and move forward once you are better. Things won't change.
Get well soon 💐

You can get an hour long train journey for 50 cents?! 😱

But yeah, as what everyone else has said!

Please please please end it with this guy. He sounds absolutely awful.

He's there for the good times but doesn't actually care enough to support you when you need it. Have you heard the stat that c.20% of men leave sick wives? He would definitely be one of them. Ditch him now and find a man who loves and cares for you not this waste of space. You aren't even asking him to look after you, just turn up and show he cares. Instead he tries to make you feel bad for even asking. What a shit!

What an absolute waste of your 3 years. Well at least you know not to make it 4 years.
You don't want him to come visit anymore. This 'relationship' is ended. Now. FULLSTOP.

‘There’s a war on’ is horrible. Use your time in bed to get on dating apps and line up dates for when you’re better. He is no partner to you he’s mean.