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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset my partner has not visited after surgery?

222 replies

NiftyRoseDreamer · 31/03/2026 16:27

So I, 23F have been with my bf 26M for almost 3 years now. I had a pretty big knee surgery 6 days ago, which requires me to not be able to walk for 6 weeks and is very painful. I am yet to have a visit from my partner and no plans to visit me anytime soon. For context, he lives an hour away and is sharing a car with his dad atm. There is also a train that runs directly from his house to mine that also takes one hour (costs $0.50 each way). He currently works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long. Now if it were the other way around I know for sure I would be there for him the night after his surgery to be there physically to help carry things and make food etc, also emotionally to comfort him as it’s hard recovering from surgery. I don’t expect him to be there for me 24/7 but a one hour visit to show he cares would’ve meant a lot especially since I can’t leave my room for 6 weeks. Now the bigger problem arose when I brought it up that I felt disappointed from the lack of support. He said “you had a 2 hour foot surgery it isn’t that serious” also said “i’m in more pain than you” because he lost $400 that day trading, also “there’s people in a war right now” “stop sooking” “just take more pain killers” just to list a few things. I know that there are people going through worse things than me currently. But this feeling of lack of support is really getting to me. Things are really good between us when we are together in person. AIBU to be so upset by this? I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this.

OP posts:
HisNibs · 31/03/2026 17:31

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. If I was him, I'd dump myself!

pictoosh · 31/03/2026 17:32

Depends. Do you want a nurturing, warm, reliable dad for your kids...or a lazy, selfish, unpleasant one?

tiptoethrutulips · 31/03/2026 17:36

Be thankful he's shown you who he is before you moved in with him or gawd forbid married him!

Dump and block him.

Putitinanenvelope · 31/03/2026 17:39

But your family should think badly of him, he’s awful. I think badly of him and I don’t even know him

Grammarninja · 31/03/2026 17:40

I'm all about working through problems but this guy is simply awful. He may be nice company but you could never rely on him. He must be dumped immediately as he doesn't care about you at all.

YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself · 31/03/2026 17:42

Awful op.

Years ago my then BF of 6 months (DH) went in to hospital for a planned week of iv antibiotics. Regular treatment to keep an existing condition controlled, so not ‘I’ll’ as such. It was a 2 hour round trip. I visited every day.

When I had a planned op the other year, DH was at my bedside as soon as visiting was allowed. Again, a 2 hr round trip.

Your ‘D’P is a waste of space. Raise your standards, you deserve better!!
Wishing you a speedy recovery Flowers

TrashHeap · 31/03/2026 17:45

Put the whole man in the bin.

Myotherhouseisacastle · 31/03/2026 17:47

SoScarletItWas · 31/03/2026 16:31

What an uncaring, unkind, immature twat he is.

Absolutely.

When people show you who they are - believe them.

When you are recovered please, please, rethink this relationship.

jeaux90 · 31/03/2026 17:50

He is testing you to see what you will put up with. It is not a good sign.

TheSandgroper · 31/03/2026 17:52

You are one of his appliances and you are broken and will stay that way for weeks.

So, now you know.

nutbrownhare15 · 31/03/2026 17:53

Believe that this is what he will be like in future when you are sick or vulnerable. He's actually done you a massive favour. Dump well before any kids come along.

Hairymunter · 31/03/2026 17:56

Many years ago I had a FWB guy and had abdominal hernia surgery. He showed up with flowers, sweets and dropped essentials off a couple of times a week. Making me tea etc when he was here. He even took my bins out for weeks. That's what normal people do. We're still friends BTW, no benefits anymore though 🙂

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 31/03/2026 18:08

MissCooCooMcgoo · 31/03/2026 16:30

Aaaaaaaaand dump.

Life is too short for this my love

He's treating you like shit.

Dump his arse hard.

I love it when the first reply just nails it

Smellmyfart · 31/03/2026 18:10

Honestly, this is not a life partner.

Let this one go.

UnctuousUnicorns · 31/03/2026 18:17

Joining in with the chorus of "Dump the Lump." Are you able to use a wheelchair to get about while you're recovering?

Wishimaywishimight · 31/03/2026 18:17

InterestedDad37 · 31/03/2026 16:43

Aus/NZ for being a wuss 😀

Thank you! You learn something new every day 😆

newusername4321 · 31/03/2026 18:17

How could you trust him anymore to be there for you in case something very serious happens? You don’t want that kind of a life partner! He should obviously want to come and keep you company at least a few times…bring you something you like etc. I couldn’t see him in the same way anymore after this.

GodSavetheJean · 31/03/2026 18:29

Oh sweetie. Now picture recovering from a c-section and trying to nurse a newborn and him having the same attitude. Because he will. You are still dating. He should at least be trying to be the good guy. He is not a good guy. He's an asshole. Cut your losses and dump him.

spotddog · 31/03/2026 18:33

OP. You are 23, your life ahead of you and too young to be treated so badly by a total useless, selfish twat.

Just block him. Don’t engage as he obviously has some power over you if you question if this is reasonable behaviour. IT IS NOT.

Block him on everything. Look into some sort of support and do some sort of course. The lovely ladies in MN will suggest and support you all the way through this.

Value yourself, you are and deserve much better than this.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and beautiful, pain free knees. Xx

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/03/2026 18:34

He can't shag you if you're in pain from surgery, can he? So there's no point in him bothering in spending 50c if there's nothing in it for him.

Think on that. Unless there's an orgasm in it for him, he won't even spend the price of a boiled sweet on you.

Eufylove · 31/03/2026 19:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/03/2026 19:34

MissCooCooMcgoo · 31/03/2026 16:30

Aaaaaaaaand dump.

Life is too short for this my love

He's treating you like shit.

Dump his arse hard.

First reply absolutely nails it, @NiftyRoseDreamer.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/03/2026 19:36

I mean, why would you want to be with such a loser anyway?

Hes fucking useless, DUMP

Aislyn · 31/03/2026 19:36

This doesn't sound like a relationship.

It sounds like he only wants to come over when it suits him, for a good time. He is not able to support you in any way.

It's time to end it. Best to cut your losses now. I'm sorry it must be hard for you. Surely there were signs earlier as to his character?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 31/03/2026 19:37

He's a selfish inconsiderate tosspot.
There's nothing in it for hin to visit you (sex) so he's not interested in putting in any effort. Don't waste anymore of your life on him. Dump him.

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