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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset my partner has not visited after surgery?

222 replies

NiftyRoseDreamer · 31/03/2026 16:27

So I, 23F have been with my bf 26M for almost 3 years now. I had a pretty big knee surgery 6 days ago, which requires me to not be able to walk for 6 weeks and is very painful. I am yet to have a visit from my partner and no plans to visit me anytime soon. For context, he lives an hour away and is sharing a car with his dad atm. There is also a train that runs directly from his house to mine that also takes one hour (costs $0.50 each way). He currently works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long. Now if it were the other way around I know for sure I would be there for him the night after his surgery to be there physically to help carry things and make food etc, also emotionally to comfort him as it’s hard recovering from surgery. I don’t expect him to be there for me 24/7 but a one hour visit to show he cares would’ve meant a lot especially since I can’t leave my room for 6 weeks. Now the bigger problem arose when I brought it up that I felt disappointed from the lack of support. He said “you had a 2 hour foot surgery it isn’t that serious” also said “i’m in more pain than you” because he lost $400 that day trading, also “there’s people in a war right now” “stop sooking” “just take more pain killers” just to list a few things. I know that there are people going through worse things than me currently. But this feeling of lack of support is really getting to me. Things are really good between us when we are together in person. AIBU to be so upset by this? I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 31/03/2026 19:39

Lazy, selfish twat. Throw this one back.

Zephyrcrossing · 31/03/2026 19:40

What an awful disappointment you've had to face on top of a painful surgery with a long recovery to wait out with no practical help from him I'm sure.

There's no excuse to have been treated this badly, and believe me, even if you stay with him, you'll never forget the pain and hurt of being abandoned by him when you needed him.
Just let this one go, he doesn't deserve you or the loving care and support you would have gladly given him.

Life is short...bin him when you get back on your feet again.
Hope you feel better soon x

Lurkingandlearning · 31/03/2026 19:41

I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this.

If I was one of your family members I would definitely dislike him for this and so should you.

Six days!!! And he hasn’t wanted to see you. That isn’t much of a relationship and from what you have described there wasn’t anything to prevent him getting to you if he had wanted to.

Duvetdayneeded · 31/03/2026 19:43

Dump his selfish nasty ass!! Have better standards for who your partner is. What he has done is unforgivable.

Tablesandchairs23 · 31/03/2026 19:48

Hes showing you he doesnt care. Believe him. Dump his arse.

Oopsamama · 31/03/2026 19:54

He doesn't care, that isn't normal. Please don't ignore this sign.

Sounds like he only wants to be around you when you can meet his needs. At the moment you can't do anything, so he's not even interested.

You can do better than that. Please respect yourself.

Ilovelurchers · 31/03/2026 20:06

He sounds shit. Is he generally like this? Would he usually make the effort to visit you, or does it tend to be you going to see him?

If I were you I would make a list of positive things he brings to your life, and the negative things. Don't react in and dump in anger (because you might then later down the line wonder if you made a hasty decision). But give it a few days to really think it over - you have time after all.

Also, do you have friends or family members you could discuss it with, who will listen and not try to influence you, but give you their honest opinion? A counsellor would be even better, but most people don't have one to hand....

My gut feeling is that when you weigh it all up, it will be clear that this guy takes from your life more than he brings to it.

For comparison, my fella is no angel, but when I was hospitalised a few years back, he did all he could to nurse me back to health, including carrying me to and from the bathroom at one point..... Thats normal human decency. It takes a really shitty kind of person to see someone they are supposed to love weak and in pain, and not feel an instinct to help....

Endofyear · 31/03/2026 20:18

He's shown you who he is - believe him! Do you really want a partner who treats you like he doesn't give a shit about you? Raise your bar and dump him - you can do SO much better than him.

hazeleyednerd · 31/03/2026 20:20

"I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this."

They should dislike him for this. You should dislike him for this. It's more than reasonable to expect a partner to want to visit when you're post op. It's the bare minimum honestly. He should be supportive, empathetic and helpful.

You're totally not unreasonable. He is though.

OrlandointheWilderness · 31/03/2026 20:23

Dumpy McDumperson.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/03/2026 20:23

You deserve better.

WearyAuldWumman · 31/03/2026 20:25

He doesn't deserve you. Dump him.

ETA I had foot surgery more than 20 yrs ago. It was agony. My husband was extremely caring and supportive.

Catcatcatcatcat · 31/03/2026 20:49

Dump

Pinkissmart · 31/03/2026 20:50

Dump.

Lack of basic kindness in a relationship is the biggest red flag there is

MusicalRocks · 31/03/2026 20:57

3 years and he cant so much as pop past and check you are ok? OP you are worrh so much more then what he is giving you

RedPurpleyBlue · 31/03/2026 20:58

OP bin him off please. I've been in a similar position and I finally realised I deserved better. You deserve better. Raise your bar.

ladykale · 31/03/2026 20:59

Not husband material. Move on asap.

OpheliaNightingale · 31/03/2026 21:01

@NiftyRoseDreamer could it be that he knows sex is off the table for now perhaps? Awful if so..

FrostyPalms · 31/03/2026 21:04

You refer to him as your "partner", and I know you've been seeing him for 3 years which is a relatively long time, but he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend ( and he shouldn't be that for much longer).

You don't have to be living with someone for them to be your partner, but if he was your partner he would have taken time off work and rearranged his schedule to be able to be with you, at least the first day or so, or at the very least he would have made sure you were staying with your parents or had someone else around to wait on you and make sure you were ok.

I know this must be hugely disappointing. Is it your first serious relationship? But, listen, you're so young and there are much better men out there. Be thankful that this has shed light on your relationship, dump him, and move forward.

SeriouslyStressed · 31/03/2026 21:06

The most important thing in your post is where you say “I’m worried if I ask family members first advice they might dislike him for this”

This rang massive alarm bells for me. If you ever find yourself hiding your partners behaviour from family and friends in order to protect him, it means that he is treating you very badly, that you know your loved ones would quite rightly point this out and that you are embarrassed to be accepting this poor treatment.

I learnt this the hard way

Pumpkinmagic · 31/03/2026 21:07

Get rid of him

mrsCtheRed · 31/03/2026 21:08

OP, you are so young, so please take some advice from a 48 year old woman who has a good bit of life experience.

YOU GET WHAT YOU SETTLE FOR.

I had a couple of selfish, thoughtless boyfriends in my time, then in my late 20's met my DH.
Genuinely the nicest man I've ever met.
There are lovely men out there, and until you find your one, don't waste your time with such a tool.
You deserve better.

RMAC67 · 31/03/2026 21:20

Really shitty behaviour. Also trivialising your surgery is a massive red flag. You can’t walk for 6 weeks! That’s barely a minor procedure.
I would bin him. There will be more of this to come.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 31/03/2026 21:25

He’s not your partner is he? Sadly. He’s a dependent on his mum. You cannot be wanting this relationship to progress. Get well soon!

Booboobagins · 31/03/2026 21:25

Raise your standards, you deserve better. He is not for you, he actually doesn't love you, sorry if that feels harsh but if you love someone you are there for them.