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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset my partner has not visited after surgery?

222 replies

NiftyRoseDreamer · 31/03/2026 16:27

So I, 23F have been with my bf 26M for almost 3 years now. I had a pretty big knee surgery 6 days ago, which requires me to not be able to walk for 6 weeks and is very painful. I am yet to have a visit from my partner and no plans to visit me anytime soon. For context, he lives an hour away and is sharing a car with his dad atm. There is also a train that runs directly from his house to mine that also takes one hour (costs $0.50 each way). He currently works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long. Now if it were the other way around I know for sure I would be there for him the night after his surgery to be there physically to help carry things and make food etc, also emotionally to comfort him as it’s hard recovering from surgery. I don’t expect him to be there for me 24/7 but a one hour visit to show he cares would’ve meant a lot especially since I can’t leave my room for 6 weeks. Now the bigger problem arose when I brought it up that I felt disappointed from the lack of support. He said “you had a 2 hour foot surgery it isn’t that serious” also said “i’m in more pain than you” because he lost $400 that day trading, also “there’s people in a war right now” “stop sooking” “just take more pain killers” just to list a few things. I know that there are people going through worse things than me currently. But this feeling of lack of support is really getting to me. Things are really good between us when we are together in person. AIBU to be so upset by this? I’m worried if i ask family members for advice they might dislike him for this.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 31/03/2026 16:48

Honestly, just bin him. He sounds absolutely horrible. Men often show their true colours when their wives/girlfriends are ill. His behaviour is childish and callous and he obvious lacks any empathy and kindness.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 31/03/2026 16:48

You're worried that other people will dislike him?
Whoa.
Get away from this tosser, pronto.

catipuss · 31/03/2026 16:48

How often do you see each other? Is he really a partner or just a long distance boyfriend? He doesn't sound at all committed. Is he really that stupid that he thinks it's only foot surgery? When that obviously implies you can't get around very well and might need some help.

AgnesX · 31/03/2026 16:48

No sympathy or empathy when you're in pain/discomfort? Guy sounds like a total prick, sorry.

Don't wait til back on your feet, give him his marching orders now.

MyLimeGuide · 31/03/2026 16:49

MyLimeGuide · 31/03/2026 16:43

He sounds like a loser. Why does he only work 2 days a week?

I mean 2 hrs a day!! That's even worse!!

henlake7 · 31/03/2026 16:49

Unless you have a very casual relationship and really dont see each other often Id be really upset.
If you want somebody who supports you and actually cares then dump him now before you get anymore invested!

Enrichetta · 31/03/2026 16:51

Quite apart from being totally inconsiderate, he evidently doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. At least not while you’re laid up in bed and unable to provide services that he might require.

Also, I would suggest that a man who “works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long” is not a keeper.

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 31/03/2026 16:51

DUMP

Maray1967 · 31/03/2026 16:53

There is literally no aspect of him that suggests he’ll be a great partner. He’s underemployed, loses money day trading and can’t be bothered to visit you. There is absolutely no reason why any sane woman should want to be with him.

catipuss · 31/03/2026 16:53

Enrichetta · 31/03/2026 16:51

Quite apart from being totally inconsiderate, he evidently doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. At least not while you’re laid up in bed and unable to provide services that he might require.

Also, I would suggest that a man who “works from home 2 hours a day, so work is not an issue and he practically does nothing else all day long” is not a keeper.

Sounds like he thinks himself some sort of wheeler dealer, but if losing $400 is a big deal not a very successful one.

whatisheupto · 31/03/2026 16:56

Yay, congratulations, you have found out at the perfect time that your relationship is over and that he must be dumped. Thank God you didn't find out after you married or had children, that would be a billion times worse.

honeylulu · 31/03/2026 16:58

Fairweather friend! I presume he's happy to be around when you're physically fine, cheerful and fun. But not to comfort and support you when you're in pain and have limited mobility. What an absolute arse. Get rid, he's shown you what life will be like in the down bit of "ups and downs".
He thinks you're a funtime appliance and he's annoyed you've malfunctioned.

You are a person and you deserve love, care and consideration.

Scruffysquirrels · 31/03/2026 16:58

Apart from all the rest, shouldn't he want to see you just because he enjoys seeing you?

I'm afraid this relationship is dead in the water OP.

Myneighbourisanosyoldgit · 31/03/2026 17:02

You need to finish with this guy this isn't a proper relationship. He's a dead loss.
Shut the door behind you Joe.

Helpwithdivorce · 31/03/2026 17:07

Get in the bin

UninitendedShark · 31/03/2026 17:07

You can do better than this.

WaltzingWaters · 31/03/2026 17:11

Selfish prick. Dump.

ClarasSisters · 31/03/2026 17:15

The same partner who ruined your birthday last year? And you posted and were advised to dump him?
YABU to still be putting up with him.

PurpleReindeer2 · 31/03/2026 17:16

His action speak louder than his words! He doesn't care about you enough to put in any effort to come and visit you even though you are in pain. Dump this man. You can do much, much better than him.

Idrathertalktomycat · 31/03/2026 17:18

I'm so sorry. He sounds uncaring and selfish (to put it politely) and is totally unworthy of you.

Definitely dump him now as he's shown his true colours.
Focus on your recovery.
Is anyone looking after you?

When you meet the right one you will know. It's definitely not him.

NewZebra · 31/03/2026 17:18

So selfish and uncaring of him! Get rid op.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 31/03/2026 17:18

Use your recovery time to ask yourself why your standards are so low. He sounds terrible and you deserve someone who will treasure you.

FreyaonFire · 31/03/2026 17:28

Oh OP, I really feel for you. You have every right to feel let down. Because much as he wants to minimise what you’re going through, he has let you down badly. And he truly is old enough to know better, or treat someone he loves better. The bare minimum would have been to be with you the day you left hospital, to sort you out with dinner, do you a shop, sort out some meals for the days ahead, ensure you were comfortable. It’s not beyond him, but he has CHOSEN not to bother. This is how low his effort bar is. Take this as useful information and don’t gaslight yourself about this not disappointing you. You feel this is not right - and it isn’t! Act on this info. Either he shapes up or you move on. You deserve so much better and are too young to settle on this minimum effort guy. As others have said, life throws us all much worse than this and when kids come along it tests people to the limit. If he’s already like this…think about your future with him long and hard….

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/03/2026 17:29

He is a walking talking example of that Maya Angelou quote -

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

He's showing you who he is. He is someone who is only interested in spending time with you if there's something in it for him. That could be sex, or being entertained, or whatever - he's pretty sure that visiting someone who can't leave their room for six weeks and is in pain is also not going to be up for sex, is not going to entertain him, and he is not interested. Believe him.

Your boyfriend is NOT a partner, and your relationship with him is going nowhere.

I would ditch him.

skyeisthelimit · 31/03/2026 17:29

So in Jan 25 you were living together, so looks like he has moved out since then if he now lives an hour away. However, he could have moved temporarily back in with you to look after you and make sure you are ok.

You already know that he is selfish. He is an uncaring ignorant selfish twat. Your family would be upset if you told them, because they know that he isn't right for you.

He won't change. So you have 2 choices, put up with this, or ditch him and move on.

You need to take the second choice.