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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Needy man in the coffeeshop

258 replies

Member968405 · 31/03/2026 10:53

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

OP posts:
Villanellesproudmum · 31/03/2026 10:54

You said he looks at everyone? Not just females?

Rowley456 · 31/03/2026 10:55

I'd wear headphones and avoid eye contact. He'll get the message.

DreamyJade · 31/03/2026 10:55

You don’t owe him anything, but it would be nice to have a two minute chat if you can spare it. Often elderly people won’t talk to anyone for days at a time.

ChickenBananaBanana · 31/03/2026 10:56

DreamyJade · 31/03/2026 10:55

You don’t owe him anything, but it would be nice to have a two minute chat if you can spare it. Often elderly people won’t talk to anyone for days at a time.

This is very hashtag be kind but occasionally there's a reason no-one talks to them. You owe him nothing op

bluewednesdaysky · 31/03/2026 10:58

He's not your problem, just ignore him.

IPM · 31/03/2026 10:59

This is not a man/woman thing, it's a people thing.

There are some very lonely people around who crave contact from strangers in cafes, supermarkets, on the bus etc.

It can be awkward and annoying so you don't have to converse with them if you don't want to.

Not everyone is cut out for or has the desire for small talk.

2026IsMyYear · 31/03/2026 10:59

Just ignore him. I don't understand why you're engaging with him.

Is the coffee shop tiny? I'd hate that as i detest feeling like i have to engage with random people in small spaces

Bristolandlazy · 31/03/2026 10:59

Blimey, he's going in too heavy, that would stress anyone out. Headphones is a good suggestion. You don't owe him your time.

GinToBegin · 31/03/2026 11:00

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: Sorry to hear that, hope your day gets better, bye.

or better still…
Me: good morning - while walking past and not stopping.

Clearly he wants/needs company, but he isn’t your responsibility. Maybe give him a little more of your time once in a while, because for knows, life can be tough and lonely, but only if you feel you have the energy to spare.

SueBlime · 31/03/2026 11:01

but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length.

Does he allow you to speak @Member968405 ? Does he ever ask about you?

I agree with PPs though, you don't owe him anything. Your peaceful time is precious, don't let him take that from you Flowers

newornotnew · 31/03/2026 11:05

You can set your own boundaries. If you're not uncomfortable talking to him and want to spare the time, you can exchange pleasantries. If he brings up heavy topics you can say 'I prefer not to discuss such difficult topics'.

If talking to him is making you uncomfortable or you don't have the time, then just nod and say good morning, but don't stop.

You can change your mind any time, you can review your boundaries, you can stop talking or start talking.

The discomfort you feel is your issue about social obligations etc., you could work on that separately.

EwwPeople · 31/03/2026 11:06

Is this typical for your exchanges? Do you normally approach him first AND extend the conversation ? You can’t put that on him then. You seem to want the kudos for being kind and helping the poor lonely person, without putting the effort in. Not just that, but you resent it. Just ignore him, wear headphones, do a nod and smile and move on etc. If you don’t want to engage , don’t engage. How is he supposed to know that the nice , smiley lady who asked what’s wrong, doesn’t actually care , but is frustrated that he actually answersz

newornotnew · 31/03/2026 11:10

EwwPeople · 31/03/2026 11:06

Is this typical for your exchanges? Do you normally approach him first AND extend the conversation ? You can’t put that on him then. You seem to want the kudos for being kind and helping the poor lonely person, without putting the effort in. Not just that, but you resent it. Just ignore him, wear headphones, do a nod and smile and move on etc. If you don’t want to engage , don’t engage. How is he supposed to know that the nice , smiley lady who asked what’s wrong, doesn’t actually care , but is frustrated that he actually answersz

Yes agree with this.

The question 'what's wrong?' is an unwise manoeuvre with a known heavy topic person!

TragicMuse · 31/03/2026 11:10

DreamyJade · 31/03/2026 10:55

You don’t owe him anything, but it would be nice to have a two minute chat if you can spare it. Often elderly people won’t talk to anyone for days at a time.

Why is it the OP’s job to be nice to him? She’s already said it’s not a two minute chat, and OP is there for her own peace and quiet.

BuryAllYourSecretsInMySkin · 31/03/2026 11:11

He looks at you, you start a conversation, and then he doesn't shut up?

Maybe don't start a conversation because someone looks at you and you won't get trapped in a conversation.

Maybe he's sitting there thinking you're needy and he's doing his bit by talking to you.

Tink3rbell30 · 31/03/2026 11:14

Oh bless him, he obviously is just hoping for some human interaction with someone/anyone. Maybe he doesn't speak to or see anyone else. That could be us one day so it's nice to have a little chat where possible.

Seeingadistance · 31/03/2026 11:19

As others have already pointed out, it's actually you who's starting the conversation and then encouraging more by asking questions.

I'd go for a quick nod of the head, and maybe a "hiya" as I walk past.

Starlight1979 · 31/03/2026 11:20

TragicMuse · 31/03/2026 11:10

Why is it the OP’s job to be nice to him? She’s already said it’s not a two minute chat, and OP is there for her own peace and quiet.

Show quote history

So why does she ask "Hi, how are you?" if she wants peace and quiet?!

I mean, I'm not for being rude and would probably engage with the man for a short while if I had time, however if you don't want to talk to someone then don't approach them and start conversation!!!

CornishPorsche · 31/03/2026 11:20

Ugh, I can't be doing with this sort of shit.

By me there are two neighbours - both women - who do this. I am always on the phone when I see them now, I am not prepared to hear the same crap over and over. They need counselling, not to whinge at me.

IPM · 31/03/2026 11:21

TragicMuse · 31/03/2026 11:10

Why is it the OP’s job to be nice to him? She’s already said it’s not a two minute chat, and OP is there for her own peace and quiet.

Show quote history

But the PP didn't say anything about it being the OP's job.

They didn't even imply it was.

Maray1967 · 31/03/2026 11:21

I’m usually happy to chat to someone who seems lonely but I end it quickly if the conversation turns unpleasant.

That happened a few months back when I waited for my flu jab. There were only a couple of chairs set out in the waiting area. He seemed polite and asked if he could sit next to me on the only spare one. Yes, no problem. He then immediately launched into a diatribe about how the NHS was on its knees due to all the ‘foreigners and boat people’ and they all needed to be kicked out.

I stood up and said I don’t hold with those views and walked away from him and stood up until I got called. If he’d chatted about the weather that would have been fine.

MrMucker · 31/03/2026 11:21

Blimey, here we go again. Really?
Used to be basic, normal, random small talk because essentially we are all the human race and communication is cohesive and informative.
But now? It's a threat, a breach of boundaries, gender based cheeky fuckery, a symptom of being old/crazy/abusive delete as applicable.

Reality is that this man and op have way more in common than not.. It's two human beings in the same public space.
Sometimes I feel like crying that nowadays so many human beings try to mark themselves as private, different, special, "having boundaries", entitled to do their thing, leave me alone, how dare you look at me I have rights you know, and and and.
But actually we're all just people, exactly the same as one another, and it makes me so sad that we used to use small talk to establish the actual detailed facts about how we are different from each other, but now we assume our differences to be reasons to avoid talking.
Small talk died, I can't think of anything sadder.

BillieWiper · 31/03/2026 11:27

He just wants to talk to anyone. I don't think it's because he's male. Some people are lonely but also very sociable.

But of course you shouldn't get embroiled in some deep heavy convo about immigration, his personal life or such things.

Just a polite smile and hello if you have to look busy by staring at your phone a little until he finds his next victim then I guess that's just a minor inconvenience.

I do hope he's not just lingering there though, not justifying his seat and not buying enough. That would be annoying for staff at busy times. Though you or they can't really tell him to piss off!

GreyCarpet · 31/03/2026 11:27

Surely, you just smile or walk past and get on with your day?

He's not approaching you, you're initiating the conversation. He probably assumes you want it.

I'm no stranger to the needy man who inserts himself into your conversation, comes to sit with you, asks what you're doing etc but this isn't what is happening here.

To know he is looking at everyone who walks through the door and to have ascertained his intention ('please talk to me' eyes), you must be devoting a fair bit of attention to watching him so perhaps he assumes its you that wants a longer conversation?

Couldn't there be an issue of people pleasing/poor boundaries on your part that means you're seeking out this interaction that you don't even want? Because I've never found myself in regular conversations with people I don't want to talk to because I have initiated it!

Alittlefrustrated · 31/03/2026 11:27

MrMucker · 31/03/2026 11:21

Blimey, here we go again. Really?
Used to be basic, normal, random small talk because essentially we are all the human race and communication is cohesive and informative.
But now? It's a threat, a breach of boundaries, gender based cheeky fuckery, a symptom of being old/crazy/abusive delete as applicable.

Reality is that this man and op have way more in common than not.. It's two human beings in the same public space.
Sometimes I feel like crying that nowadays so many human beings try to mark themselves as private, different, special, "having boundaries", entitled to do their thing, leave me alone, how dare you look at me I have rights you know, and and and.
But actually we're all just people, exactly the same as one another, and it makes me so sad that we used to use small talk to establish the actual detailed facts about how we are different from each other, but now we assume our differences to be reasons to avoid talking.
Small talk died, I can't think of anything sadder.

In fairness "people can be so diappointing" isn't great small talk/pleasantries.