Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

You don’t need to stop going. Just walk in, smile, order your drink and go and sit elsewhere. Pretend to be on your phone if that feels easier

I'm thinking it might be Ringo. Better to have a chat with the poor sod than put up with his drumming.

I'd buy him a coffee and a curled up sandwich, listen to his woes for a while then say, "Don't pay the haters any heed lad, and remember, you'll always be a Fab Four."

That's not my experience of her. She had a fascinating career in science and engineering, but is slowly losing her marbles, and wishes her son would visit more often.

He may well be going to the coffee shop because he has a need to speak to people BUT OP is going there specifically to NOT!

Her peace is not less important than his loneliness.

Let other customers entertain him, OP.

If I were you I wouldn't ignore him but I would shoot him a breezy 'Hi. Oh I'm gagging for a coffee, just 20 minutes to have a bit of peace and quiet/alone time/peace today! If I don't get my little bit of silence I start to go mad!' and walk away.

Make it clear that you are there TO BE ALONE. And then railroad every attempt with a glance at your watch and a reminder that you have jut few more blessed minutes of quiet time to yourself that day and turn away.

He'll soon learn to rely on others.

I know how it feels to need a few minutes ALONE!

Protect it, OP.

Find out if there is one of those Man Shed places in your area and recommend him to go there. It may be that he has MH problems or maybe just that he's incredibly sad and lonely and would benefit from being around others who can relate and enjoy the opportunity to chat and share their worries.

Do you wonder why OP asks him “how are you”, if she wants to be alone?

Why is she greeting him and asking him questions if she doesn't want to talk?

MN rule 86.1b.
Old people in public should be ignored.
They have nothing useful to contribute to modern society.
😉.

You absolutely can start blanking him. You just need to override your people pleasing tendencies. People tend to get the hint once you start pointedly ignoring them.

Sounds like the sort of miserable self-pitying thing this guy would come out with.

I had something very similar in a clinic recently. I was being talked ‘at’ - him rambling at me about his minor issue - kept saying I am sorry if I am boring you - but carried on - I had been diagnosed with cancer 2 days before and was in complete muted shock. I wasn’t up for a conversation and there was no other chairs to move to. I didn’t even have the emotional energy or capacity at that time to actively shut him down as I was so consumed with what I had ahead of me. I didn’t even nod, um ahh etc and he kept going - so selfish and intrusive. He didn’t care or consider that I was anything else than a convenient vessel for him to vomit into.

Stop asking him how he is and he'll stop telling you how he is. Cause and effect. It's astonishing that you haven't grasped this.

Why are you deciding to be what you seem to be "polite" at a detriment to yourself?

PLEASE don't let this man bore you out of going to your favourite cafe!! Practice this in the mirror for next time:

You: Hi how are you? Hello
Him: Not good Hello
You: What’s wrong?

That's it. End of conversation.

If he tries to engage you, a quick 'that's a shame' or 'that's nice' is more than enough. Take headphones with you for 'listening to a podcast about how to repel boring men' until he stops imposing himself on you/goes somewhere else/dies.

Fuck his sad eyes, you don't owe him anything. He doesn't give a shit about how you feel, does he?

But - whatever you do - PLEASE keep going to your lovely cafe!!

Thats the social norm.

Hello.

Hello

How are you?

(Arm visibly broken in two places, bone sticking out)... fine thanks, you?

(Wearing neck brace, clearly hasn't slept in a fortnight) ... cant complain

Well, must get on (has nowhere to go)

Me too, lovely to see you (doesnt give a shit)

Bye then, must grab a coffee soon

Walk away from each other, both knowing that coffee will never happen.

Yep 😂

I would ignore on the way in and give a few mins if I had it ion the way out if you wanted to. I personally would ignore anyone I didn’t know, I don’t like small talk.

Did anyone actually say "be kind" prior to February 2020?

So selfish of him. How are you doing? 💐

Nope. But it's the best thing to be added to the kick women campaign since the evolution of the Karen accusation.

Bloody hell, this is a simple everyday event; I don't know why people are either pitying the poor old sod or vilifying him.

You walk into your favourite cafe, he is sat there. If he looks at you, smile cheerfully, make a quick comment about the weather (for eg) & carry on walking, pick a seat away from him.

You get peace; he hasn't been ignored. Job done.

TBH I wouldn't even smile at him. Why do you feel the need to? Are you so conditioned to please men that every loser sitting alone in a coffee shop is someone you feel you have to talk to?

She could ask, "Why the long face?"

And when he starts answering, "Sometimes I just find - " she could interrupt and say, "NO, you're supposed to reply, "'Cos I'm a HORSE!"

...then burst out laughing and carry on to her own table.

I would smile at anyone in that situation, be it man, woman or child....smile and keep moving.

Well I can understand what you are saying and actually I think I am quite good at small talk. However there are some people who don’t want to have a conversation, they want to talk at you and you be an appreciative audience.
I suspect the coffee shop man is one of these.