Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

You don't need to speak to any man, clearly he might be lonely but that isn't on you to entain it if you don't want to, honestly have a word with your self.

You started the conversation. Just don’t look at him, he then can’t do his ‘please talk to me eyes’ and you won’t feel like you should speak to him.

It's probably Ian McEwan and he's just using people for content. Be careful or you'll end up in his next novel.

If you ask how he is, you’ll get a response obviously! Why ask, if you’re not interested?

A breezy hi, cold out there today and move on.

Its nothing to do with home being a man.

But ‘I find people so disappointing’ really isn’t small talk is it?

We used to have a man at our gym who haunted the spa searching for people to talk to and invade their personal space. I just avoided any eye contact but actually a surprising number of people did engage with him and chat for ages. So don’t feel guilty, he will probably find someone else to ruminate with.

nb spa man was eventually asked to leave due to his behaviour.

‘Small talk died’ - that’s my exact point

I’d be very happy to have small talk with him, as I do with many people. We all know it’s not really about the topic, it’s about people feeling noticed, valued etc.

My point is that he’s breaking those ‘rules’ by never engaging on a brief friendly level, never asking about how I am, never talking about anything general. Just these huge topics. Which demand so much more time and attention than my friendliness warranted.

I’m grateful to most responders for understanding that.

think I’ll have to change cafes sadly 😊

Small talk is fine as far as I’m concerned. Political rants or very personal stuff are not. We used to have an elderly gentleman who just used to stand on the pavement (hopefully outside his own house) and ask people very politely what the time was. He seemed well dressed and was not distressed. I reminded my DSs to tell him the time politely and never ignore him. He never expected you to stay any longer. But we don’t owe people an audience if they want to vent on politics etc or expect you to listen to their grievances.

@MrMucker this is not small talk. This is draining, depressive shit talk that the OP needs to set boundaries around so she doesn't get dragged down by it. OP actually says she wouldn't mind a chat about the weather.

I have a friendly face and am an extrovert so am a magnet for these kinds of people. I enjoy a good little natter, but I'm not a therapist nor an.emotiomal dumping ground. Unfortunately it is the truth that some people use friendly strangers for escarly this purpose and its unfair and entitled.

Er, no, we are not all the same as one another. Some of us overshare, some of us demand attention from complete strangers, some of us talk endlessly about ourselves. And some of us don't do any of those things because we have manners.

Just stop talking to him! You don’t have to.

think I’ll have to change cafes sadly

Why?

If you're initiating the conversation, why can't you just stop?

Indeed. Some men are far too intrusive.

He sounds a barrel of laughs, just ignore him and sit away from him. You don’t need to listen to his woes.

Don't change cafes. Think of the cafe owner.
Just ignore or give him a brief nod next time and move past quickly.

If it was small talk it would probably be ok. But this is very large heavy talk! from a total stranger!
In future OP I would just smile (perfunctorily), not pause, not say anything, move striaight past

He's probably just really lonely. However that isnt necessarily your problem. I had to stop going to the convenient local shop because the .an behind the counter will talk at me for half an hour and I cant cope with that after an exhausting day working in the NHS.
He will continue talking as you are walking out of the door and down the street.

I think it's lovely that you have the impulse to talk to him, realising he is lonely, but you shouldn't be a martyr to the cause. It would not be nice for him either if he realised that you were starting to resent him. Unfortunately the people most in need of companionship are often the people least able to solicit it with grace and restraint.

I think I would be tempted to continue with a short exchange when you see him but with a firm strategy for not getting too embroiled. Take a notebook. You could be 'writing' too for your mental and emotional well-being. But you need to do it accompanied by Bach. On headphones. Explain this to him. I think there is a middle way.

A compromise might be to acknowledge whatever he has said quite seriously but have an excuse ready not to talk for long. Eg, 'Yes, people can be disappointing, can't they. I think on the whole it is harder to make friends than it used to be. There's a coffee morning on Tuesdays at the local church which is supposed to be quite friendly so it might be worth trying that. Look, I'm sorry but I need to get on with some work stuff now.'

I think it's very sweet of you OP to come and tell MN about this lonely - if irritating - "older" man and encourage people to slag him off rather than just not engaging with him beyond a polite hello, which is perfectly possible. You're obviously one of life's good ones.

You engaged him in conversation first, OP. I never ask people how they are unless I really want to or have time to talk to them. Some people reply with the only acceptable answer and say 'fine', but others will answer your question.

You could just wave give a smile and a good morning, that would be fine.

No need to change cafes. If you want/need to greet him say “morning” or similar pleasantries so clear just a greeting and not an opening move to conversation.

Failing that have one or two lines to hand if you do have to shut it down. So in your scenario I wouldn’t have said what’s wrong if I didn’t want to know I would say “sorry to hear that”.

He sounds like such a drag. I think you need to come up with a few phrases - “oh dear, hope things get a bit better!” “Oh dear, well I hope you have a good day!” Or wait for him to ask how you are, tell him you’re good, it’s nice weather (or whatever), you’re looking forward to your coffee, see you later. Don’t ask how he is and use a conversation-ending phrase at the end. One of my family members is a big fan of “hmm hmm… well I’ve had a very busy day so I’m just going to sit quietly over here” and people seem to get the hint

@Member968405 has he said what he's writing?

😂😂