Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

Here is how this should go if you don’t want to engage:

You: Just a nod or Hello if unavoidable and move away quickly. Never ask How are you.

If you do get drawn in:

Him: How are you?
You: Fine, thanks.
Him: I’m not good.
You: That’s a shame. (Move away quickly)

I have found that, as people age, many become introspective and deep thinking. And their friends die off so loneliness is a thing.
An old man speaking like that is not unexpected so only give a brief nod and smile unless you have five minutes to spare.

Don't worry, he will find someone else who will engage.

Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

YOU: Fuck, yeah.

Move away.

Just stop saying hi. Who care what his eyes do or what you think he wants? You want your peaceful time. Stop creating this issue. You're going into the cafe for a coffee and some quiet time. Ignore him. Wear headphones if you need to. But it's perfectly fine to stop engaging. If you say hi how are you, then you're literally asking for it. Whatever you think the rules of small talk are, he doesn't use them. If you keep doing the same thing expecting a different response, more fool you.

Post the cafe address so everyone who feels the need can go and give him some attention?

It's lonely being old. My own dad says he just wants some human interaction when he goes out. People are normally friendly and say hello, have a quick chat. When ever I see an elderly person I keep this in mind and have a quick chat or a cheery hello. We all might be in this position one day. There's no need to switch cafes. Often just a hello is all that's needed.

Oh yes. At length

I’ve never greeted strangers in cafe’s. I’ve never seen anyone else do that either. Is this something you do generally OP? You’re definitely not obliged to.

Id just cop out and change cafes. You dont owe anyone a conversation.

He sounds so similar to somebody who used to frequent a place near me that I feel like it's him, but I'm sure there are lots of them...

Her whole point is that it's not just a hello that's needed for this guy. My late dad was good at chatting with strangers, but he didn't start up on everyone. It would come organically from an interaction and only continue if the other person was chatty too. This isn't the case with OP, where it's one-sided and draining. She needs to give clearer signals for sure but saying hello is the whole problem - with this guy it opens the floodgates, so it's really the last thing she needs to do.

I see you think he has broken some sort of rule, you asked how he was and now you are uncomfortable he isn't "fine", just stop engaging with him.

Unless he is actually approaching you and coming to your table then you get to decide how any conversation goes.
You can smile and say hello then proceed to your own space.
Don't ask open questions, linger or engage in interactions that you don't want to have.
There is no need to be rude or feel guilty.

OP started the conversation not the man

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

But you spoke to him first?

I wouldn't have even talked to him in the first place!
Don't even smile at him from now on - ignore ignore ignore!

But, OP, You started the conversation by saying Hi and asking if he was ok. Why do that if you dont want to engage?

You're clearly not engaging with anyone who points out that you are talking to him first (and asking follow up questions!)

But your complaint is really.

I see this man in the coffee shop. I say hello and ask him questions. AIBU to find it annoying that he answers them?

If you know he is going to do this and you don't like it, why do you keep on doing it?

I can't help but wonder if he has a negative impact on people going to the coffee shop because they are fed up with him trying to engage them in conversation.

Or maybe he's employed by the coffee shop to suck people in, so they order more coffee and cake?

Or keep them from lingering, to keep cleaning and washing up costs down?

You can see why he has no one to talk to when it's all me me me. Old people can be twats too.

This is your time for yourself, keep it that way. He'll no doubt corner some other poor sod.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But I do think your suggestion about men and expectation of women to speak to them absolutely ridiculous

But she's the one talking to him and asking him questions. He's actually just minding his own business with his writing and looking around the coffee shop until she speaks to him.

I think @GreyCarpet has it spot on. This kind of thing always happens to a friend of mine - who then moans about it afterwards.

I never get in the same kind of situation, as I just don’t engage with strangers.

I’m not rude, and I understand some people are desperate for a chat, but I prefer to keep myself to myself.

If I go out into my garden, the old woman next door is out like a shot to tell me all about the stuff she told me about the last time. She's lovely, and has had a very interesting life, but she's clearly very lonely, so I try to give her a bit of my time when I can.

I agree with you to an extent - I usually talk to people when I'm out and about and to be fair it sounds as if the questioner does too? And for the most part what I notice is that , I usually end up listening - probably at least 75% of the time. I think the thing here is that the questioner doesn't have a lot of personal time and space (I remember it well, when my children were young - you just get five minutes and someone wants to intrude on that and you'd really rather they didn't). I also think that we all (even old and lonely people) can learn to be self aware enough to not just be on output and maybe this guy has never learnt to pay attention to other people and really get to know them - maybe he expects strangers to listen to him? So on this occasion, I think the questioner should do whatever she wants BUT it sounds like it is going to play on her mind whatever she does so maybe find another coffee shop even though she loves this one? Probably I would just say hi, exchange a few pleasantries and then move on to grab my coffee on my own. That keeps thing pleasant but also signals she isn't up for being a neverending listening ear.