Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

Nonsense. She's had extended conversations with him multiple times, and far from being 'in love with the OP and hassling her constantly' the only thing he does to 'hassle' her is look up from his writing when someone enters the room. She's the one initiating all these conversations.

Well, never ask a question if you don’t want to hear the answer!

Use slightly abbreviated statements with a friendly tone but a level intonation, so you don’t appear to be asking a question:

‘Nice day.’
’Good to see you.’
’Better weather today, isn’t it’.

I have a personal dislike for the ubiquitous ‘How are you?’ as uttered by a thousand people in customer service roles: it feels both false and intrusive on the lips of someone who really doesn’t know you at all!

Actually my comment was specifically responding to what that poster said about the fake conversations.

FWIW I have already said Op has no obligation to listen to the man and in fact she is being a marytr for even opening up the conversation.

I have said upthread I myself have removed myself form trauma dumpers - both strangers and friends - who just go into monologues and don’t give a damn about your capacity and won’t ever listen in return.

OP is thinking she’s being nice by asking how he is even though she doesn’t not only really care - she actively doesn’t want to know and is resentful afterwards . So yes it’s not the exact same doing that to a friend vs stranger, but OP’s behaviour is still a similar sort of fake nice that some people I used to be friends with have engaged in as well.

As I’ve said the answer to her problem is just smile, nod and sit somewhere else.

Again, yes he shouldn’t be pouring that all on a random stranger, but she doesn’t help the situation either by asking follow up questions and ultimately has only herself to blame knowing what he’s like.

This is, amazingly, the most absurd of all your posts. You initiate conversation with a clearly lonely and/ or ND older man then claim he’s stopping you going to your favourite cafe?! It’s your behaviour that’s the problem here. Get over yourself

@Chaibiscuits

Exactly, it’s ridiculous. If you don’t want to know, why would you ask when you are aware they will tell all. Bizarre.

And there’s happy medium between completely blanking someone, and asking questions which essentially ask them to elaborate on what’s wrong.

Neutral pleasantries you can utter as you pass, perhaps with a cheery wink:

"Looks like we're still on target for the cup!"

"Green as a goat out there and it's not even May!"

"Enough brass monkeys to clear my sinuses, at any rate!"

"Lovely shot from Shearer in the second half!"

"It never rains but then three come at once, I don't know!"

The phrase “wrestling with…” is particularly infuriating and self victimizing, as though the OP has undergone some terrible ordeal that she’s struggling to come to terms with. There are plenty of hideous and traumatising things women have to cope with because of men and this isn’t one of them. Grrr

Female socialisation.

Is he there all day? Could you switch your schedule around so you could still go, at a different time?

The point is, she doesn't need to. She just needs to stop approaching him and initiating and engaging him in conversation.

It's that simple. It doesn't need a plan of action beyond saying nothing.

So he is decision, she needs to work on her own skills.

*her own

He's probably just bored and lonely, but you owe him absolutely nothing at all.

Sit somewhere else whenever possible and ignore him as much as you can.

When I was teaching English we taught our learners that when an English person asks 'how are you?' they don't actually want to know. They are simply acknowledging your presence and your answer should be 'fine, thanks.'

Apart from the football ones none of these make any sense 😂😂

@Member968405 how are you doing? Have you gone back to your fav coffee shop or have you chosen to go elsewhere? How have the various opinions on this thread impacted you?

Her OP is about whether it’s reasonable to not continue a conversation with him each time. Not about some deficit in her perceived ‘skills’. I’m sure she’s more than capable.

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

No, see this as a good thing - now you can go back to the first one!

It’s not small talk or a two way chat when the other party completely dominates the conversation.

He's probably trying to avoid you. He's been going to a cafe for peace and quiet, to think and write, and you keep starting conversations with him. He's tried being grumpy and talking at great length to put you off, but still you persist!

It's getting a bit nightmarish. Are you sure that other people can see him?

Next time, quietly ask another customer - "Can you see a sad-eyed old man sitting in that corner?"

The puzzled reply might be, "Eh, no? It's just an empty table..."

...followed by sudden discordant incidental music.

Ah mate. Don't avoid doing what you enjoy. Big sunglasses, headphones a cap, different coat? Maybe a wig and a beard...

😂😂😂 this made me laugh so hard

That was my thought too.😎