Needy man in the coffeeshop

[Member968405]

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

He sounds really lonely. Not sure it's anything to do with all men thinking women owe them conversation.

I hate this. There’s a parent at a sports club I go to, he clearly has some issues but he wants to get anyone to talk to him and is a space invader and literally chats shit at you. He doesn’t get social cues and just gets on my nerves as he dominates the time I’m trying to watch my child. I started wearing headphones and not making eye contact. He pounces on poor newbies.

Just ignore him. You owe him nothing. I bet the shop wish he didn’t come in as he probably puts people off!

Knowing that for whatever reason he doesn’t follow the normal rules of brief social pleasantries it makes no sense to ask him what’s wrong.

Before giving up on your nice coffee shop just sit down and read or whatever. If you feel you can’t ignore him completely, nod to acknowledge in passing but don’t engage in conversation.

You owe this stranger nothing, ignore him and enjoy your cafe visit.

Do you ask him how he is?

We've his guy like that at our train commute. He absolutely talks at my very kind colleague all about his drinking sessions the night before and football outings, neither of which she is remotely interested in. He knows absolutely nothing about her because he barely registers anything about her other than her female face and beating heart. When she's away he walks up and down trying to make small talk to other women.

The thing is, your observation of people who dominate other peoples time like this is accurate.

But the OP is considering changing coffee shops over this and yet it would be really easy to put a stop to this.

If he were approaching her, my responses would be very different. But he isn't.

I just find it very frustrating when women put themselves in situations like this and react as though it's something imposed on them when she is seeking it out every time.

I've met people like this and do you know what I've done? Once I've clocked that this is how it's always going to be, I just stop.

Maybe a bit of self reflection is required on her part to understand her part in the interaction and why she does it rather than to just stop doing something she enjoys?

I've edited to say put themselves rather than find themselves. Because the OP isn't passive in this situation.

You can't change someone else's behaviour you can only change your own.

I've given up chatting to blokes at all because you never know how it's going to go so 🤷🏻‍♀️ speaking from experience!

Cannot understand how we have a loneliness epidemic, especially amongst men, given the supportive comments here...

Oh hang on.

Just ignore him…… you mean like don’t ask him how he is?

Yes, good call, OP should certainly consider that, instead of asking him and then complaining that he responded and is a “needy man that wants to encroach on women and their peaceful time”

Nonsense. There are LOADS of community activities for lonely people these days. Church/religious groups, meetups, community walks, online groups, facebook groups who arrange activities, sports groups, craft groups, book clubs hobbies, free night classes etc etc

There are online apps designed for people to make friends and chat to others, there are volunteer groups who will literally contact lonely people to chat.

There are options out there but people need to be willing to take some responsibility for their own unhappiness and be a tiny bit proactive rather than to expect random passing strangers whom they know nothing about to "fix it" for them.

Its wholly inappropriate to expect random strangers to do that- you know nothing about what those people might be dealing with themselves for example.

That's a different point and I've said she needs to stop doing that. I was responding to your 'Often just a hello is all that's needed.' which isn't the case with this guy.

Women got boundaries, and I can't think of anything more delightful.

I think, MrMucker, that if you review your memories, you will find that two men talking small was a vanishingly rare occurrence.

It was almost always women who had the responsibility for maintaining the fabric of society at their own cost, and now we may need to find a more equitable way of doing so.

No need to change coffee shop. Hold phone, wear headphones- smile, wave & point at phone.
he is probably used to it

Agree. I expect HE has been very disappointing throughout his life - that’s why he’s lonely and needy. He doesn’t seem to have developed any social skills which would enable him to be aware of the other person and adapt the conversation to mutual, respectful, mutual and reciprocal topics.

Have no sympathy for him - I suspect he has made many peoples lives miserable over the years with his dreary entitled approach talking ‘at’ people.

Swerve. You reap what you sow.

No you’re right @GreyCarpet , I do accept that he stays where he is and I have initiated conversations- albeit in response to him looking at me sadly.

I just need to stop that. I’m wrestling with the fact that he’s stopped me going to my favourite cafe though, and it feels as though it’s because of his behaviour. I feel we’ve gone beyond the point where I could blank him.

It's not a question of men thinking women owe them conversation. Women do this too. Most people did, at one time, but now they talk to strangers online instead.
If you don't like his opinions/find his talk racist or sexist, which could be inferred from the topics, just say you don't agree, and while he has the right to his views, you have the right to disagree and not engage.

Ive had to stop going to my favourite and very convenient local shop. Its a sacrifice I had to make for my sanity.

i think some like the art of conversation and it can be a mix

People can draw their boundaries in whichever way they choose, and that includes both the OP and you. You are not qualified to assess whether someone else needs counselling.

He's a stranger. He's not a friend. He's a man at the coffee shop.

There is no "we've" because there is no 'we'. You are two separate people going about your daily lives. You're not connected in any way.

Smile and say say hello (if you feel more comfortable doing that) and carry on walking. Its fine. Just try it! 😉

If you view his sad face as what it is, manipulation, then you can ignore him perfectly well.

But you're the one who's pushed it beyond that point. You're the one who keeps engaging with him, starting conversations with him.

If you don't want to talk to him, don't talk to him. Say Hi as you walk past and don't stop to talk to him. It's really not that difficult. It's not like he's coming over to your table to initiate conversation.

Oh stop being so soft

Why will you have to change cafés?