To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

It’s not anonymous. The offspring can access his info once they turn 18 and can also dna test and find him on any heritage sites. It also means your child potentially being contacted by siblings they didn’t know existed at some point in the future. He would be pushing relationships with strangers on them too. I would split up over this as the ill feeling and stress it is causing you should have been enough for him to draw a line under the whole idea. He’s not doing it to help people he’s doing it because he thought he could get easy money. If he does it then you will always be waiting for that letter or email. I’m sorry he’s an arsehole. Tell him to get a paper round!

There are so many possible scenarios to consider with things like this. I'm not sure it is fair to create a child if you're not open to a proper parental relationship with them once they turn 18. Why have a child if you intend to hurt them in the future?

Any children created will be your DCs biological sibling. What if your child wants a relationship with them, neither of you can prevent that. What if the DC was raised very differently to your DC and grow up with views you do not agree with or are dangerous? What if your child finds out their sibling died for example. There are so many things to consider here.

But as PPs have mentioned, it sounds like a breeding fetish here. And that is why your partner trapped you before going ahead with what he wants to do.

I meant private arrangements not private clinics if it’s licensed then it’s legal either way it’s not just a drop in session.

I'm just clarifying because there's a world of difference between a clinic and a private arrangement - the latter would be dodgy as fuck.

He sounds like an absolute wanker, if you'll excuse the joke.

Good point actually.
It's not the same situation but my dad had a daughter before he met my mother which they didn't bother to tell us about, and she tracked me and my sibling down and it was actually quite horrible to deal with, she didn't really want a relationship with me, just with my dad and he didn't want a relationship with her and I was left to tell her, and it was a horrible situation to be in. I hadn't had a good relationship with my dad anyway but of course my half sister thought I did so I felt a lot of guilt that shouldn't have been my guilt to feel.

Ops partner might only want a superficial relationship with them if any donor children reach out and try to keep them away from the family but if they contact your children they may well build a relationship.

The tf is he getting money for donating? Is he thinking of private donation with a private agreement or an actual clinic? I mean if he can walk to the clinic and doesn't have to take time off from work he might get a few hundred quid. Otherwise it is basically petrol money.

What is this really abour for him?

I’ve 2 children from a sperm donor & I’ve donated my eggs.
im in the uk & used a donor clinic from the USA.
huge waiting list in the uk, the criteria for sperm donation is strict, counselling is required, full health screen, consent for the method to be contacted by the potential child.(the donor I used wrote letters, photos of him at various ages & voice recordings) you get this gist. Men can’t just Rock up & ‘save the day’ on a whim
Clinics aren’t desperate, donors are not paid handsomely & even if by some miracle they say ‘yes you can donate’ somebody has to choose it & it has to be biologically compatible . My donated eggs didn’t work out for those who received them, & honestly it broke my heart. (You can find the outcome)
Uk is Comparably a very small island to others, the number of permitted donations is very very limited.
Sounds like if he realised the hoops he’d have to jump through vs the reward (in term of cash) he’ll probably loose interest in it

I would not be happy at all. Doing this while you are pregnant seems mad!

I believe so, but a lot of people worry about their child meeting someone at, say, 16, when they don't know, and it turning out to be a sibling. I guess we have all heard the stories of someone being attracted to a sibling (when they don't know they are related, obviously). I think it's called GSA, and was once a reason why people didn't approve of having casual sex-because children brought up with their siblings, as would have been the norm, do not suffer from this. Obviously sperm donation is a modern variant of the issue. OP, I agree, I would never be ok with someone having a baby with a stranger. Being a surrogate for a sister is one thing-getting a stranger pregnant (even without sex), and never knowing how or if that baby will be cared for, or if they might meet your daughter at college one day-no.

He doesn't really want to "help" other people, though.
Sperm is easy to come by. It costs the donor negligible effort or time to produce, and there are many men who would happily jizz into a jar for a tenner.
Donating eggs, now - contrast the effort, health risks and discomfort involved. Few women do it. That's really "helping".
This guy fancies himself as a sire of many without having to put in the effort of fatherhood. He is prepared to disregard the entirely natural feelings of the woman who has made herself irreversibly vulnerable and physically changed by carrying his child. In doing so he has revealed himself as an arse. I hope OP can awaken his conscience and empathy.

Can he give blood instead?

"...Is his friend talking bollocks or a just bit thick? For someone supposedly doing it he doesn't seem to know much about it if he is where your DP is getting his info from?!..."

his "mate" spends half the year in thailand.

i think we can guess what his "mate" is like...

He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

That's what you need to listen to. Ultimately, he will do it anyway. Eventually. Does he think you won't leave now?

I suspect some kind of fetish. Surely he's not that hard up for cash. I really wouldn't like this.

@Hellohelga you just made that up off the top of your head. You should think before making statements like that.

It's only easy to come by because men give it away so readily instead of realising that their sperm is basically the only thing women need men for in this day and age (to be extremely cynical) if there suddenly was a shortage of it women would be paying top dollar all of a sudden. Any man who wants to give it away for peanuts is dumb as rocks!

His whole attitude is weird. I think this would be a dealbreaker for me too.

My major concern would be for your child's future relationships. If their father donates, then anyone they meet could potentially be a ½ sibling.

How would that work in real life? Ask how they were conceived? Did they use a sperm donor ? DNA test....
I know its unlikely but there are documented cases, and it's something I've become aware over the last few days.

I was watching one of those shows yesterday that helps people discover their personal history. One woman's bio dad was an anonymous sperm donor and although she had a family and a good life, she had, absolutely had to know who her dad was, even just a name. So for your husband to assume it would help somebody, there's a lot more awareness now that everyone has a right to know where they came from.

That is an incredibly low probability.

Sounds more like he gets a kick out of the idea of spreading his seed everywhere rather than the financial gain.

Isn’t that one of the reasons that they limit the number of children from an individual sperm donor (in the more regulated countries) @Bigcat25

He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

This is truly horrible. He is saying ‘fuck you, I will biologically father children alongside yours and give our baby bio half siblings because I want to”

YANBU OP.

His horrible sexual-tourist mate is disgusting, the pair of them clearly think having paying for sex with women buys consent and getting paid for wanking means nothing and that paternity has no connection to family love.

He will deign to take your feelings into account but impregnate other women if he feels like it… who the fuck does the emotionally abusive patronising misogynist twat think he is??

(I am upset and angry on your behalf)

His body his choice..

Do you feel ill at the thought of one of the female members of your family killing an unborn baby by having an abortion?

Are you super sure its anonymous? I got the impression kids were allowed to find out where they came from. They could very easily sign up to a DNA website and find relatives. My adopted son found cousins on ancestory.