To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

Is this an elaborate way of telling you he’s knocked someone else up?! Paid sperm donation isn’t a thing in that UK.

My partner and I, like other female same sex couples, would require donor sperm in order to have a child (given that we don’t want to go down the adoption route). It sounds like you think this would be a bad way to bring a child into the world?

@Mrspenguinsschoolforfreaks this is a genuine question, not intended to be goady.
why anonymous?
I know a lesbian couple who have a baby with a gay male friend- he has a godfather type role and the child knows him well and knows he is her biological father.
i worked in child psychology for many years. Children who have been adopted iften really struggle not knowing their parents ir having a sense of their links.
they would almost always have a photo album, time line, lots of counselling, and as much information about biological parents as it is possible and safe to give.
and yet it’s still often really hard for them.
so that’s why I genuinely wonder - why anonymous rather than a friend?

@Mrspenguinsschoolforfreaks I think it is a bad way. To purposely create a child that won’t have that genetic link to their dad. I speak as an adopted person.

Sometimes it is a case when all because you can doesn’t mean you should.

He can't know how he will feel in 18 years time and at the same time, this seems like a callous attitude.

Forgive me pitching in, but:

It is quite difficult to have a child with a known donor at a UK clinic. Some clinics won't treat you. This is a minor issue but worth knowing.

I know people who've done this and for whom it has been wonderful and life-enriching and everyone has come out of it happy. But it's not at all easy and I am far from convinced it is a 'best' option for a child. Obviously, we'd all like to be able to look into a crystal ball and choose to a perfect life for our children, and anyone - whatever their circumstance - can find they thought long and hard about it and still regrettted horribly the way they chose to have a baby. But it's fraught, having a baby with someone you're not in a relationship with, and one of the funny things about lesbians is they don't always have a massive pool of male friends just dying to become perfect, not-very-involved-but-involved-enough fathers.

Surely the situation of an adopted child is completely different - they have been separated from their biological parents in circumstances which are generally quite dire and likely to be traumatic.

If my partner and I have a child it will be our child, not anyone else’s. Yes, half of its genetic makeup will have come from someone else, and we will be open about that from the start, but I don’t think genetics make a parent or a family.

All very good points, thank you. And you’re right, we don’t know any men we could ask to be a donor, even if we wanted a known donor

@Mrspenguinsschoolforfreaks they still don’t have that genetic link. For some it won’t bother them, for others it will.

When I had my DC it was the first time I knew someone who was genetically linked with me. It does make a difference. And I love my adoptive parents, and they are my family

@Mrspenguinsschoolforfreaks there is a reason they changed the law, well in England anyway, that you can no longer be an anonymous donor

Yes, when they at 18 they will be able to have the donor’s details

There are many things that may or may not make a difference to children.

You cannot go into parenting trying to second-guess what those things might be.

Will my child really mind having a mum who is gay? Some will, some won't.

Will my child really mind if we can never afford what her schoolfriends take for granted? Some will, some won't.

Will my child be horribly impacted if I'm left disabled by her birth and can't run after her? Some will, some won't.

Yes, some children may pin their disappointments about their relationships with their parents on something like not having a genetic link to both parents. But I think, on the whole, this is usually because there was something else going on and the genetic link was the easiest way to express it. I read a ton about this (because DD is donor conceived) and it is very common that donor-conceived children who express sadness about not knowing their donor parent, are the ones saying they didn't fit into their families; their special interests were not recognised or celebrated; they were conscious of a secret; the wider family treated them as not-quite-theirs .... things like that, which, frankly, are to do with a problematic family dynamic, not biology.

@SarahAndQuack so why do you think they changed the law?

I think the legal change is very positive; I'm entirely behind it.

We aren’t talking about women at this present or a specific woman. We are discussing OP’s partner, and again not all men. I hope that helps 😊

You don't think genetics make a family yet you're not willing to adopt? I don't see the difference, you use a donor and either you or your partner wont be the biological parent anyway.

Just seen this on the news-

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c74v5jd5zkjo

i Have 4 boys pregnant with my 5th baby I had gender scan 15w 1d they said she was girl obviously having 4 boys I just expected another boy now can’t keep thinking they must have it wrong I will upload some potty shots and 12 w 5 d scan could yous tell me what yous think

I feel much the same, Sittingonabeach. I am an adopted child.

Sperm and egg donation also smacks of people feeling they have a right to a child. Nobody does. In the past infertile couples came to terms with it and diverted their enthusiasm elsewhere, often living very fulfilled lives. Having been brought up by such.a couple, I always said if that happened to me, I would accept it and make the best of what else life offered. I hope that would have been the case but of course we'll never know.