To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

My husband donated after we had kids but would never ever have done it if I was uncomfortable with the idea.
Also - it's not anonymous and it's not paid that much.

This is not about the money, if it was £200 or whatever (which it’s not in uk). You can make £200 doing something else. This about being ‘manly’ and caveman esque about siring heirs and more children. It’s about ego

He’s literally waited until you are pregnant to bring this up again thinking you are now trapped. I’d bin him off regardless, he’s grim. It’s not about the money is it, it’s about sowing his seed as far as possible regardless of how you feel.

I'd be absolutely disgusted if a man I was in a serious relationship with said he might do something like this after I'd repeatedly made it clear to him that it bothered me. Especially considering that you're already pregnant with his child, his lack of regard for your feelings is enraging. What a selfish piece of work he must be!

As for it being a good thing to do, I'd assume there are plenty of sperm donors already out there. Is the world really crying out for his special DNA contribution? 🙄

And if he really likes the child? Or a daughter is a real beauty or a son is a chip off the old block? How can he possibly know how he would react to potential children that are his but not yours? I sort of get he thinks it will not impact him or your family but it might.

Another poster said it already but breeding fetish also crossed my mind. It’s such little money that there must be another motivation.

I'd be wondering if he has a breeding kink. I do notice he waited until you were pregnant to bring this up again.

There is supposedly anonymous donation for pay where I am, but as another poster said, there is no such guarantee in this day and age with DNA testing readily available.

He knew how you felt about it and he's still bugging about it.

How will you kids feel when a sibling or two show up after they find Dad through DNA testing? This could have lifelong results.

His body is his but this has an impact on both of you and your child and he doesn't seem to consider that.

That he's friends with a dude who spends half the year in Thailand is a red flag to me unless he's Thai and his family is still there.

It isn’t anonymous in the UK, you aren’t paid either.

I looked into a few years ago, but it was for a specific person to use, not for ‘general’ use. There were quite a few tests and screeners that were needed, then they see if your sperm is suitable. I decided against it in the end, DNA doesn’t matter to me so it wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest, but I had to consider how my children would feel about it, as that isn’t an answer I would have for another twenty years it meant the only decision I could take was to say no in the end.

sorry but I absolutely could not, this would be the end for me

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a prick.

Is this the first time he's had an incomprehensible, absolute dumb as fuck idea? Because I can't believe this is the first time he's surprised you with his stupidity.

"fun money"

what an absolutely bazaar way of raising cash.

I doubt he's doing to help people, not with an attitude like that.

that would be the BigE for me.

A few thoughts ...
If you are pregnant with your first child, and your first child together, it seems a very strange time to bring up the idea of sperm donation. It detracts from the pregnancy and at the very least is quite insensitive
If he wants to 'help people' there are other ways to do that
If he wants extra cash there are other ways to do that (worth knowing how much he gets per wank fest

This may seem also insensitive but the thought crossed my mind so i'm going to share it. Is there any way that he could have another child, and he's setting up this idea of being an anonymous donor so that he can hide behind that when the time comes and said child comes into his life. I am sorry for adding to worries, but i really don't see how anyone who is thoughtful and caring would bring up this idea and notion whilst their partner is pregnant.

Is he thinking this is a way of spreading his seeds or something?

Whatever, it seems grossly selfish, unthoughtful and pretty disrespectful to your relationship and growing baby. Some serious talking needed to understand what is going on, as it doesn't seem quite legit somehow.

Good luck with it all. Sorry it's happening at such an important time for you all.

This... The whole idea sounds like ill thought out pie in the sky, but the friend has really talked it up to sound wonderful. He sounds very easily led and an idiot to swallow the friend's advice wholesale whilst not inclined to even do minimal internet research to see if its worthwhile or even feasible. I also think the single friend who spends half the year in Thailand sounds like a very bad influence

Its on a par with "man down the pub said so".... What other amazing ideas for improving your partner's life will this single holiday lifestyle friend come up with when your partner complains of sleepless nights looking after a new born?

Even the money the idiot friend told him he could make is a pathetically small amount to put you through this much stress when pregnant... I would feel that my child wasn't enough.

I didn't like the part where he said he would do it anyway if he wanted to, regardless of how you felt about it. It would make me wonder what other subjects he would say this about and why he thinks that is OK in the first place. Why is he giving the Friend's opinions more weight than yours? I'd worry this would be the case in several areas where the friend might proffer his opinion.

I wouldn’t want my dp to do it either. It means your child will have half siblings you know nothing about, and who could turn up unannounced in 18 years time.

Im going to say it his body his choice, us women say it all the time on here.

lol bless him - he thought he was gonna get paid ££££ for his sperm 😂😂😂
I mean I get him thinking that, if he is a David Beckham lookalike with his football talent
But even golden balls Beckham didn’t pass on his good looks and talent to his kids.
Although Harper is very pretty

But if he is your average bloke in the uk and he definitely sounds like it from what you have posted and pretty thick as well

So I don’t think anyone is gonna be queuing up for him to wack one out into a glass jar and pay him for the privilege 😂😂

He be lucky if he gets the cost of his petrol to the clinic ( although petrol has gone up quite a bit )

Tell him to grow the fuck up - and concentrafe on the baby your having not some imaginary wank fest

Total dealbreaker for our relationship if it was me,

youve asked him not to, he should be respectful and not be a dick about it.

My DH also said that - not even for money but because he thought it was a nice thing to do.

He did look into it but was turned down due to age (over 35?) as his father had cancer.

I agree with this.

And I would wonder if he went ahead with donating sperm when he originally suggested the idea earlier in your relationship but didn't tell you.

I am afraid I woul also be wary of his close friendship with a single guy who likes the bachelor life style and spends a lot of time in Thailand. Particularly as this friend seems to hold quite a lot of influence over your partner OP.

This is correct.

As the mother of two children born with the assistance of sperm donation, it makes me uneasy to read some of these posts.

First and foremost you have set a boundary and it’s a betrayal if he crosses it. You need to outline clearly that there will be consequences.

Second, take the information you have learned here to teach him about the process of, and rules around, sperm donation in the UK. Look up HEFA, the governing body.

Ultimately you should not be forced into a situation where your children have “donor siblings”. Your husbands approach in my opinion is not for the right reasons and as much as you would “feel sick”
about a woman being pregnant using his sperm, so would I if I knew my chosen donor was an absolute pig who went against his wife’s wishes. Our children’s donor shared a heartfelt handwritten note outlining his altruistic reason for donating (and was not paid - European sperm) which means everything to me. I’m not bothered if my children do or don’t meet him, that’s up to them when they turn 18, but personally I want to hug him and thank him for giving me the greatest miracles of my life.

For many of us it’s what we have accepted the life that donor sperm brings and work everyday to ensure our own children feel secure, loved and attached so that whatever happens in the future, they are not disappointed by rejection. its not something he should take lightly for a few bucks.

Since you aren’t married any offspring that turned up age 18 would be on a similar footing to your own children. I would not like this at all.

Is he following socials of those creepy 'impregnate as many women' men?
Does the friend actually offer what is euphemistically referred to as 'live insemination only'? 🤢

Maybe he should watch some documentaries about the ethics of it all. The real, official UK ones are generally okay, I don't think he'll pass the initial checklists with his motivations. I'm fairly sure they ask about current partner consent?

Fine for the thought to cross his mind but the fact that he's so weirdly set on it is a red flag.

My ex husband wanted to do this as I already had a DS and didnt want any more children.
I wasnt particularly bothered.
He trotted off and it turned out he had no live sperm, not a single one. He never got over it.
He'd had undescended testicles as a child and it had made him infertile.
So that was all a complete disaster.
Its outrageous he is going on about this while you are pregnant when he knows you are against it. Id be reconsidering the relationship quite honestly.

Categorically untrue