To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

Sorry, brain fog 😄

This part says it all, please wake up! ‘He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not. So obviously not considering your feelings at all if he goes ahead!!

My gut feeling is that this is a disguised way of asking if he can cheat on you. I can't rationalise that feeling, but be very careful. Think about it, he wants to make another woman pregnant??? WTF???

It was very pedantic of me!

Yeah, like the idea of others having his babies thrills him 🤢

Of course it’s a thing in the UK 🤔

Of course it’s a thing in the UK 🤔

Yuck. I can't imagine being married to such a prolific wanker.

Being anonymous and being paid isn’t.

The issue is that it isn't a decision that affects only him, it affects his wife if he ends up having to have a relationship with one or more children in the future. It affects their kids now having a half sibling in the mix and you just can't say pretend you don't have a half sibling.

This is one of those decisions that require both spouses to be on board similar to the decision to have a child or adopt a child.

Hi @BamBamPadam, I have read your posts, but not everyone elses, so I am sorry if this has already been said.

You said in the quote above that you know his friend has donated in another country that he has strong connections with, would that other country be Thailand, and if so, my maybe/hopefully erroneous thoughts are, were his "donations" anonymous, and did he really wank into a 'beaker'?

From the little you have told us about your husband's best friend - I don't suppose you know that much yourself, and I wouldn't trust his friend to be telling the truth anyway - I think that it is much more likely that all of his friend's 'donations' were done face to face, and vagina to penis 😡

His 'payments' were probably given in kind, and by poor women (poor in both senses of the word) who have to continue to act as if they are almost Stepford Wives - and very sadly they might not even know that there are women in the world who don't have to kowtow to misogynistic men.

I hope that my - useless - hatred of your husband's friend is completely unwarranted, and that maybe he really spends half a year there because he helps a charity that's sole purpose is to educate women, and to help them find gainful employment in a fair wage, and fair treatment, enviroment.

If that friend of your husband is more like my first description of him, then your husband appears to look up to, and be swayed by, a very nasty person, but unfortunately, you can't ban your husband from being friends with him. Therefore, I have no brilliant, or even good, ideas to suggest what you can do, unless you do decide to leave him because of his own shitty behviour. Good luck for the future OP, I do hope that your husband comes to his senses before it is too late. 🙏🩷 xxx

The fact that he’s so blasé about possible children he might father then never see would be a massive turn off for me, relationship ending

Op I have just googled this does your partner realise he has to go through health checks it’s not just wanking into a pot and getting your cash. Op also you have to attend a few times so they only have decent healthy donors it’s not even that much money. If he went to a private clinic he is legally the kids father and could be financially responsible. Who wants that kind of situation for a few quid.

At a private clinic in the UK he would be a donor, not a legal parent.

Private clinics in the UK are quite carefully regulated. They would make him go through a reputable sperm bank, unless he were donating as a known donor; even here, it's not automatic he'd have parental rights, and many clinics make it quite hard for people to be or to use known donors.

I meant can't...

Is that what you think about women who donate eggs too?

Could you ask how he’d feel if you donated eggs to have a baby with another man? Or if one day a young adult appeared who was yours and someone else’s, would he definitely be fine with that? Maybe he’d understand the difficult feeling around this if he thought about it the other way around.

I really feel for you. We have discussed this too, but my partner said he would not do it without my full agreement/ consent as it potentially has a bearing on our own children too. Hope he can see it from your point of view.

OP, is it possible he actually donated the sperm all those years ago, and now you’re pregnant he’s thinking about it again. Maybe that’s why he’s saying he’d do it regardless….as he’s already done it?

No, because biologically he's tje father and to treat it so lightly as just sperms. His sperms could well go off to a different country anonymously but every child wants to know who their father is.
You're happily together and he doesn't need to do this, there's enough donors oit there.

Sorry my message will be completely have so many mistakes because I can't actually see it but wanted to respond. Xx

God no. This sounds awful. What is wrong with him.

I do think there's a difference in the way men and women see this one (thought not necessarily in the way actual sperm/egg donors who go through the process, see it!).

I think very few women think donating eggs is somehow slightly sexy, because women aren't socialised to think like that. Women who flirt with the idea of donating eggs tend to talk about wanting to help someone else have a family.

There are, unfortunately, some men (and it sounds like this is one of them) who think donating sperm is somehow sexy and virile and will make them feel all macho as they impregnate loads of fantasy women.

I don't think those men actually get through the process if it's a reputable clinic. But you do hear of them on dodgy websites, disturbingly often.

Donating eggs isn't anything like as easy as donating sperm; even if it were, I think it matters that women aren't socialised to think it's a sex thing, and obviously men donating sperm, on some level, always is.

He's doing this for cash. He doesn't have to and his partner is pregnant. Talk about insensitive

This would be a dealbreaker for me too.
I don't think I could ever look at him the same for even suggesting it, even everything about his attitude to it is just so gross.

• Wants to do it for 'fun money'
• Thinking he's great for 'helping people', go help people in other ways
• Saying he'd have a superficial relationship with them only, no consideration at all for how the children may feel.

And then his attitude towards you
You're pregnant with his baby and he brings it up again knowing you're not comfortable with, says you're over sensitive and he'll do it regardless

It doesn't just affect you though. It affects the whole family when your donor child might turn up in the future. If you're in a long-term relationship, it's quite obviously a joint decision.

I am not anti gamete donation (I have toddler born via sperm donation as I'm a lesbian), but he really needs to be considering the ethics of this. He is talking about donating his genetic material for a bit of cash with 0 thought to the impact on potential children who may be born through this, and that's before he's even thought about the impact on you and any future children you have together. Also, I'm sure it's like £70 or something. Can't he just sell something, or do some odd jobs if he's that desperate?

Huge red flags. He'll do it whether you like it or not! Run! Selfish tosser