To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

[BamBamPadam]

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

I don't think this has anything to do with money, I think it's ego.

That’s scary, the thought of him being locked in a private room and engaging in self stimulation with porn and then donating his sperm to hundreds of women and then have multiple kids all over UK would be enough to dump him and be disgusted by him. I’m sorry OP, it’s him who’s being hormonal and unreasonable not you.

Lol what a fevered little imagination you do have.

Exactly this. These men claim they are “helping women”, but they don’t know what kind of family they’re bringing their biological kid into. What kind of mother their child will get.

And how the child will feel about not having had a chance to have a relationship with their biological father or even know who he is as a child.

honestly if these men really want to help families how about you help children already out there that are in bad situations, or help single mothers who already have kids get out of bad situations etc . I feel it’s more about ego and a need to feel powerful by procreating. It’s sad.

I wouldn't like it one bit.
Sounds like him and his mate are making an event of it , popping down to make a deposit .

It's a bit gross especially as you are pregnant .

If he did this I wouldn't marry him
How much do they get paid per w* ?

@BamBamPadam Geeezus.
The fact he would even consider this again is mindblowing. And just making it sound so blasé...just a standard thing everyone does for pocket money 🤦‍♀️

Id be out of there.

It's a massive massive thing and hes being talked into it by a mate who holidays in Thailand 👀👀🙄

What other things can he be cajoled into?next time you post he will have done the donation and used his "pocket money" to go to thailand with his mate for a "good time"

Red flags everywhere

Run dont walk

You get paid for sperm in the UK? But you don’t get paid for egg donation…typical.

(and no, the compensation you get to cover expenses is not the same as getting cash to wank into a cup!)

ETA just looked and it’s £45 for sperm. Absolutely not worth it at all.

This would be a real deal breaker for me. You and your unborn child are the only people he should deeply care about. You are his family

Your partner sounds like a happy go luck rolling stone,power trip type. Who is very immature and needs to grow up pronto.

A lot of men who donate sperm also seem to have huge egos about fathering for the sake of mankind. Very Sixties and massively Chauvinistic.

All l can say that they may change their tune if they had to pay for each their donated children.

But there again he could go out and donate and get paid for it and not. tell you about it!

I wouldn't want it. Plus doesn't children now have the right to track down their biological father now? It doesn't stop anonymous anymore. Then there's all the DNA and ancestry testing now. My niece has done one and so have all of her school friends. Just to see where they originate from.

my children were conceived via IVF. I participated in the donor program and donated some of my eggs. I didn’t make any money from it (didn’t have the sense to freeze my eggs when I was young) so only tried to conceive at 38! Neither my husband and I share your concerns. (Aside from the fact he is driven by money rather than an altruistic purpose)
not sure what you can do now, if he goes ahead and does it you are having a child with a man (who potentially has other offspring) and if he doesn’t do it he will come to resent you. (For not being able to do the things he wants like the ski trip) hopefully you both realise there will be less money going around once there is 3 of you? How will he get his fun money then??
are you two married?

Surely he can brainstorm and come up with a way to earn £45.

I think most people would just go without a few cups of coffee or treats for a couple of weeks rather than want the father of their child to go and donate sperm.

Im really sorry this man is disgusting this has made me feel sick, his friend goes to Thailand to do what we know men do in Thailand and then sells his sperm to god knows who, and your partner who should love and cherish you at a time he should love you the most wants to donate his sperm, can you imagine how your child will feel when they find out! He doesnt care about you or your unborn child, hes basicly saying he will do what he wants in the relationship because you cant leave, please tell me he doesnt go to Thailand also, there just feels more to this, i would tell him to leave, how dare he ruin this a precious time for you,. It all feels too deliberate

This is disgusting, especially whilst you’re pregnant!

Personally I don’t believe in it. Imagine if these half siblings met in the future and developed a relationship without knowing?!

I’ve lived in the ME and seen first hand what cousin marriages can produce, never mind siblings.

Honestly I see it as the equivalent of male prostitution. Also a man who would happily write the rights off a biological child is not one I would want to be fathering my children.

Absolutely terrible idea.

completely irresponsible of him

one day your children may end up
with multiple siblings and this could become a serious problem

How can he possibly be motivated by the money?

suspect he likes the thought if his sperm
populating the world

In his mind, he’s getting paid to jizz in a jar.
He’s not thinking bigger picture at all.

It would be a deal breaker for me im afraid. I understand every reason u have highlighted and its for those reasons he should be respecting your wishes too.

How will he explain to your child when he/she is 18 why they have 20 extra half siblings popping up all over the place ...

On the flip side of the coin ...

Yes, it does help a lot of couples to have their much wanted child & im sure anyone going thru fertility issues would be eternally grateful. Would you be grateful if you wanted a baby so much and your hubby had low count or no count - or as a single woman wanting a child etc etc ...

But still ... hes your husband and your wishes as your wife should definitely be considered, especially with a new baby in the way ....

And exactly how mych does he think he is goung to get? I thought in the UK its voluntary.. and you do not get paid ..

He sounds like hes waited for you to be trapped by pregnancy to spring this on you again! If so what a massive cunt.

This whole thing would give me massive ick. Especially since you've already had this discussion when you had chance to walk away.

There wouldn't be any sperm banks if there were no donors though. It's not like they can manufacture sperm without a willing man (unless I'm behind the times, who knows these days) so they're a pretty important aspect of it! Some men are dumber than I thought if they're fine with being paid barely anything whilst the clinics make all the money. I really don't see why so many are willing to do this?

It’s called ✨altruism✨ sweetheart

This would be a dealbreaker for me. The fact he is considering it when you’re opposed is worrying.

I’m so sorry this would be a deal breaker for me.

I would be taking this all quite seriously and speaking to your parents or a friend so that someone knows there are some points of concern in your relationship. 🚩 red flags:

1. He has raised it before but despite knowing your feelings has raised it again now - while you are PREGNANT YOURSELF.
2. He has done no research and has not thought this important decision through at all
3. Like others I am extremely suspicious of this mate who spends several months a year in Thailand enjoying a bachelor life and would be worried about my own child in that context.

im sorry OP, i hope Im wrong, but please think through and make sure you take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost.

Then I agree with a PP that there is so much they could do to help children and families that already exist. Why does everything always come down to creating new life? And then doing absolutely nothing to support that life once it's created in this case!

Totally understand your concerns OP, I’d feel the same way. But this falls into the “his body, his choice” category, the same as it’s a woman’s choice over what she decides to do with a pregnancy going forward, if you get my drift.
Different things, same principles. You, as the woman, can only voice your opinion but it’s ultimately up to him (the same way a man can voice his opinion at the early stage of pregnancy, but it’s up to the woman to make the final decision)