To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

I’d tell them that you’ll consider giving them a room each when they learn how to respect your home and follow your rules on not living in a pig sty.

is there any way of putting a partition in a room so they can have some privacy?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I shared the same room ( bunk beds) with my sibling every other weekend with my sibling when staying with my Dad and stepmum, they had a spare room for guests as they lived in a seaside location so would often have visitors.

by the time my step siblings were born I was 12 and 14. By 15 I was more interested in being with my friends at weekends and got myself a waitressing job so wasn’t bothered about staying at my Dads.

Definitely make them share and keep the spare room as a guest room where it sounds like it would get more use anyway with visitors using it during the week and weekends

You will damage their relationship with them and their father if you don't let them have their own rooms. Poor kids. It's bad enough they don't have their father around 100% of the time, you need to do better by them.
He is their father, this is their home. Albeit they have a space at their mother's too, but I am sure they both relish the prospect of their own private space when they can.
Don't shack up with a man with kids if you aren't prepared to put them first.

Even with 3 nights per visit EOW that’s still only 6 nights every four weeks.
Id have them share- with separate spaces in the room for each.

Have you actually read what they have done? Deliberately .
Is that how you let your children behave ?
Some people have higher standards.

They need to learn a lesson in civilised behaviour.

I think if it was me I’d give them one room to share ( not least because otherwise you’ll have two messy rooms!) but try and divide room up somehow so they can have their own space if needed

You are not being unreasonable. They sleep there 4 nights a month!

So many posters have missed the fact that these filthy kids are doing this DELIBERATELY.

YANBU I see nothing wrong with them sharing especially as they already share a room at the mums house and they are only with you every other weekend. It sounds like you have other guests that stay frequently and therefore have a need for a guest room on a regular basis. The hygiene is a separate issue that needs to be addressed too. Your husband needs to step up and enforce some rules there. I would shut the door and refuse to touch it if they show no respect for their room and furnishings.

No I parent my children. I don't leave them in dirty conditions and I dont not give them their own rooms because I can't be arsed to get them to clean up after themselves.

I would say this! If they leave their rooms a mess for a couple of visits they go back to shearing. This seems very fair to me.

You are a couple. The twins are not a couple.

Since they want a room each, I’d be using it as an incentive and telling them you will only consider separate rooms if they can show, during a trial period, that they can keep their space tidy and clean.
The hygiene issue aside, on the whole I think yabu. Guests should never be prioritised over actual family members who live there a significant amount of the time. Have sleeping solutions that allow them to share when guests come.

You actually sound like a super caring, but extremely exasperated step mum. Hats off to you for asking for help here, moving closer, offering 50:50 if they want it and for all the things you do for them including being the only adult to detangle their hair for one example. Many people would not entertain having the girls stay given their absolutely disgusting attitude to your one and only home.
You asked for some advice so here goes :
You are defending your husband but he is the person who massively needs to step up here. Using the embarrassed card not to sort out used sanitary products deliberately left everywhere and snot smeared on walls is your DH neglecting his duties toward all of you.
Personally if they blame each other I would make both of them clean up immediately each and every time they do either of these things. Sure it makes for a few initial disagreements but it’s better in the long run. Your DH should be leading this not you.
From what you’ve said, I would not put clean bedding, or clothing, into their room in the short term; there’s no point you having to rewash when it’s put in the laundry basket.
I would make DH take up the basket an hour or so before they leave and he helps them strip the beds and clear the floor. His reluctance to do this is a huge part of the problem.
You can be waiting with a treat type snack to finish off the visit on a pleasant note.
I know you can’t see it but he does need to physically step up to start changing the dynamic.
As to the room, if they are getting a large room with en-suite then that is absolutely enough. One side of the room each, then you will see who is making the mess. A divider can’t work I’m guessing due to access to the en suite. Only on MN can kids being given their own en suite be an act of neglect or segregation.
I would also like to broach that there does seem to be an underlying issue no-one is addressing as to why they are like this and why they seemingly have no friends. I would advocate separate counselling if you can afford.

Good move

It wouldn't be teaching them anything by rewarding them with a bedroom each to demolish. If they can't respect a shared bedroom, why on Earth would you give them two spaces to destroy?

Thank you. I am exasperated!

Their current room is divided but it’s equally messy on both sides. You’re right, splitting the room wouldn’t work in the new house due to the en suite location. It is a big enough room to have sides.

Because we do make them tidy up, and do call out anything gross we see, they now hide it. The snot was behind a cushion propped up on the side of the bed, for instance, so only seen when DP changed the sheets. When DP challenges them over the phone, they huff and deny it, then don’t speak to him for ages. We made the girl whose side it was clean off the snot the next time they were here, which she did whilst sobbing then refused to leave her room all day, which meant we couldn’t go on a planned family day, which meant DS was upset too. We then received messages from their mum saying “it’s abusive to make children clean your house for you,” that we should be treasuring our limited time with them, and that she wouldn’t send them again if we made them clean.

So as you can see, something which a) shouldn’t have happened and b) should have been resolved quickly turned into a battle over a whole fortnight with tears, accusations and a lot of drama.

It’s exhausting.

This particular situation could have been completely avoided if your DP had gone up with them to help/supervise cleaning up the room. He would have seen the snot smearing (which is NOT normal behaviour for 12 year olds) and told the girl whose bed it was to clean it off.

The answer to mum's message re 'making them clean your house is abusive' would be along the lines of 'cleaning snot smeared on a bedroom wall by (name) is not house cleaning. It is that person cleaning up a personal mess they have made'

He really is a big problem in this whole scenario.

Why doesn't he want to have a clean up session with them at the end of their stay?

What is his answer when you suggest it/ask him to do this?

And like a PP said, they could have a treat afterwards...

They were supervised by him in a half hour clean up session. As I said, it was hidden behind a cushion on a made bed. Nobody expects to see snot up a wall. We don’t make them strip beds because we do that during the week.

Responding to their mum like that would just generate a flurry of insults and accusations, and probably the girls being mysteriously too unwell to stay the next fortnight. It’s been a decade for DP - trying to engage with her doesn’t help.

What on earth?

No one should have to 'supervise' 12 year olds tidying up their own room, just a quick check that it's been done. And checking the state of their room wouldn't have shown the deliberately hidden snot in this case either. No one goes around lifting pillows on a 'made up' bed checking for things like this.

They're actively hiding their disgusting, unclean behaviour is the issue here. And then being outraged when required to sort their own deliberate disgustingness. And getting their mother to threaten him with not seeing them over it.

Ah, so that girl was being really sneaky!

DH has to out-sneak her ...

I agree no-one should HAVE to supervise 12 year old tidying up their room.

But these particular 12 year olds DO need to be supervised.

The reasons why they do it aren't clear, but they apparently live differently with mum, eg different rules/expectations, than they do with their DP.
That's probably part of it, but I'm sure there are other issues too.

OP, they sound positively feral.
This is not normal behaviour.
His lazy parenting is having a huge negative affect on those girls.
Those filthy habits will leak out as they grow up and will hold them back.
How can you seriously not see that.
Theirs is really not normal messy behaviour at all.

I agree.

This needs to be sorted out, otherwise they could end up in a whole pile of trouble in later life....

https://osvilt.com/about-health-5/grim-poster-begs-medics-to-stop-smearing-their-bogies-on-walls.html

I've never supervised any of my children cleaning their rooms and yet they all turn out ok with all their different standards

Or they simply grow out of it