To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

they share at their mums so they can share at yours

yes, it’s nice to have a guest room
for your mum.

I think they should share - if they had a room each, i imagine there’d be a ruckus when you had visitors to stay as to which twin had to move out of their room with all their stuff!

That’s what I said

so they get own room but still have a spare

@Hallamule They are not being treated as lesser. They don't get their own rooms at their mothers house they have to share a room there and with another sister in with them so 3 girls on one room. At OP's and their Dad's house they only have to share with each other and get an ensuite to boot. I see that as a step up to be honest

They have to take priority over the luxury of a guest room.

Different if your DM actually lived with you, but she doesn’t.

It sends a negative, unwelcoming and hurtful message if you prioritise any guests over them.

As you said each blames the other for mess and there are 2 in the same space, it will be much easier to instil accountability when each DSD has their own room.

If you agree to room but, say they are accountable for what happens in it and maintaining it, even if it’s the other that makes a mess, they are not allowed to make that excuse any more,

Also part of the routine in the new house should be a supported clean up, change beds etc before they leave for their DM.

Of course they can share. If they were with you 50/50 that would be different but it sounds like they already share at their mum’s so I think it’s totally reasonable for them to share at their dad’s too. You know both rooms will be a tip otherwise.

can you not remember what it was like at 12 starting to become a woman needing your own space. to have a room sitting empty and making them share just so you can have a neat spare room for your guests in your pretty location. makes you sound cruel, unloving and unkind towards your step daughters and you sound like you have resentment towards them from your post. its meant to be/feel like a home for them to. i think your being a snob in all honesty.

It's perfectly normal for siblings to share a room. It's quite unreasonable for two rooms to be reserved when they are only used eowe, if they start spending more time at your house, it can be reviewed then. DP should show more respect for you and your family.

@Cachet88 but he doesn’t want to do the necessary cleaning to make their room(s) passably clean.

Here's your problem right there ^

As you have a child aged 6 with this man you must have been with him for over 6 years at least. Surely in that time you were aware that he wasn't a hand's on parent with his own children, and that his children had disgusting habits?

Does he parent his own child or is that all on you?

And giving in to their sulking just teaches them that they can manipulate you.

I would say that they can share until they can prove that they can keep it tidy. Once they have proven they can keep it tidy then they can have separate rooms on the condition that when visitors are there they have to share.

Same. And you do understand op that your 6 year old will probably also have a messy room once they are teenager.
All of the children should have their own room and when you have guests they (including your own child) should have to rotate who gives up their room.
If your husband is putting equal money into this property then your step children should feel that is as much there home as your own child does.

It will feel like home to them as they share at home.

And even if they didnt, different houses, different set ups.

@Spaghettion "If your husband is putting equal money into this property then your step children should feel that is as much there home as your own child does."

They aren't married.
So OP has denied herself tax, inheritance, and Social Security benefits.
To say nothing of picking an idle man with two messy brats who she has to deal with.🙄

How has she done that?

By not being married to the father of her child.

See here -

https://lawhive.co.uk/knowledge-hub/family/legal-benefits-of-marriage-in-the-uk

No, explain how she has denied herself tax, social security, and inheritance

Im not married, none of that applies to me.

Try not to make assumptions

Please read the link I posted.

So you edited after I replied, very annoying when people do that

I am not married, none of that applies to me. You assume a property is over the IHT threshold, you assume he is the higher earner, you assume the employer cant name anyone but a spouse for death in service benefits and the such like. You assume that people dont know how to set up ownership of a home to protect themselves. You assume many things.

I would be financially disadvantaged if I was married and then we split up.

No I haven’t, I’m the higher earner with more assets. We own as joint tenants with insurance policies in place naming each other. If he died, his other money and assets would be split between his children which is what we both want.

I was looking for a link, hence the delay in the addition.

However, there are far too many people who have children without being married and/or looking at the legal and practical ramifications.

I was just supplying addition information for those who might be interested.

If you have researched the issues and made a decision that suits your situation, that's fine.

I agree. And I don’t have step children.

This is messiness isn’t unusual or deviant - it’s what some self obsessed teenagers do. Liza Slessinger - the American stand up does a whole skit on the fact that young women like to look beautiful bit ‘look at the state of her car’ to see his she really lives! It irks most parents who want a nice tidy house, and the uber controlling parents wont stand for it and that’s why kids move away to be slobs at uni as soon as they can. They change as soon as they get their own place but before that it’s perfectly normal (not nice, but normal).

I think the fact that you're negotiating and nit picking and trying to punish them because you see them as ‘disgusting’ (in more ways that one) is horrible. Let them be. I feel sorry for them having to live with that level of resentment.

Same here, we are tenants in common though so I have my share (bigger share) protected that way too.

Well you were very certain that she had denied herself these things, almost as if you couldnt comprehend a situation where that doesnt apply.

Ask them if they want to share or want separate. If they say the latter, explain that they need to earn this by sharing and keeping their room tidy - if they can prove they are capable in [test period of time], youll allow them to separate. Clearly explain what needs to happen to meet your criteria of tidy, maybe leave a ticklist of what needs done before they go back to their mums (beds made, washing in basket, rubbish in bin, etc). Check together before they go so you can point out whether its right.

If they manage it, separate them. If standards slip, move them back in - explain you dont want to clean after them and certainly not twice!

And like the idea that whoever gets the better room is the one to give it up for guests.

Mainly it was because the OP hadn't "done her homework" before having a child with this guy. She didn't seem to notice that he wasn't a 'hands on' dad with his own kids, that his daughters were scruffy and neglected. and he expected her to clean up after them.

What else had she missed I wonder ?