To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

I wouldn't clean the room after they leave.
They can come back to the mess & the smell exactly as they left it.

@Spaghettion I don't understand your post.

You say "I’m the higher earner with more assets" and then "we own as joint tenants with insurance policies in place naming each other. "

That may well work regarding property if he predeceases you.

But have you ring-fenced your other assets so that your child/other family members aren't sidelined?

Have you made provision in case you split up?

I've only read your posts OP, but perhaps a compromise is the twins officially share a room, but one is allowed to use the spare room if it available, on the understanding that they treat your home with more respect? The spare room is decorated to your tastes, and they can use it with permission.

When I met SDs they were 3. It’s reasonable to assume they might mature in nine years!

He is hands on and they didn’t look scruffy or neglected.

That’s my post, not @Spaghettion

We’re not married, so I’m not sure what provisions you expect me to have made for him in the case of a split? If we split, the house would be sold and I’d buy another one.

Correction: we own as tenants in common, not joint tenants.

My (larger) housing deposit is ring-fenced, and if I die, the mortgage would be paid off via the insurance policy for DP, and everything else goes to DS in trust.

Is that how you treat your children? I agree it's not the OP's job to tidy up after them, or even to make them tidy up after themselves, but really???

@Cachet88 "He is hands on and they didn’t look scruffy or neglected."

But he isn't hands-on is he?

You have already said he won't clean up their rooms after them and leaves that to you.

And, as you are probably aware, there is a difference between "joint tenants" and "tenants in common"

As tenants in common:
you can own different shares of the property
your share of the property does not automatically go to the other owner(s) if you die
you can pass on your share of the property in your will

Well what's the answer then ?
The kids won't do it, the DP won't do it and it isn't OP's reponsibility.
So I guess the place will just have to stink 🙄

You and their Dad can:

• treat them as full persons equal to your DS by them having their own rooms
• teach them how to clean and be clean in a kind and non judgemental way without showing disgust
• can send them back to their mum’s with clean clothes and supplies for cleaning so they can keep whatever corner they live in clean and tidy
• stop making excuses for their neglectful mother and pretending it is normal to never wash and never put on clean clothes all week long.
• reassure them it’s not their fault
• make them feel welcome in your home and offer them their rooms as theirs to move into full time if they want to.

Having them ranked lower than temporary guests in your home and you being disgusted by them means they will feel very unwelcome and unwanted. It would be better for them if they did not live with their mum.

Why is sharing considered so awful?

Of course he is. He does an equal amount of household chores and childcare, he hoovers their room, he does all of that. He’s not sluicing down their bedroom EOWE, or keeping them in line as much as I’d prefer, but he’s not neglecting them.

And yes, I am aware of the difference. So what you said about me being foolish not to get married is completely untrue.

I think you’re just looking for a fight now.

Me and DP share a room, are we not considered full people either? Are SDs only 1/3 of a person in their mum’s house?

Obviously we’re not doing loads of their mum’s laundry or sending them home with cleaning products. That’s what child maintenance goes towards. They are capable and able and welcome to spend more time at ours if they want.

Well that’s her problem isn’t it. She’s an adult, these are children. She chose this, they didn’t.

This is the way to go. If they want separate rooms, they have to

1. Show they can be trusted to care for a bedroom properly over an agreed period of time
2. agree to share if you have guests visiting
3. Agree to give up having separate rooms if they revert to their dirty practices

I would also be keeping an eye on their general behaviour because they do not sound right and I would be worrying about neglect.

Of course they should share - they're not royalty. If they could keep their rooms tidy enough to use one as a guest room when necessary then fine but they can't. So they can't have one each.

Decision made, move on.

@Cachet88 "I think you’re just looking for a fight now."

If anyone posts on MN asking for advice they may well get answers, suggestions, questions, & opinions they don't like.

To accuse anyone of "looking for a fight" because you are not getting the answers you want is deflection to avoid an honest look at your situation.

"but he’s not neglecting them."
Well something has gone wrong somewhere with his and the exW's parenting otherwise the girls wouldn't be turning their bedroom into the equivalent of an H Block 3 "Dirty Protest" EOWE

Because of course OP this is all highly relevant to the house layout query that you actually have!!!

You accused me of being financially foolish. I explained I wasn’t, you ignored that and accused DP of being a bad dad. I explained he wasn’t, you’re ignored that and now you’re saying I’m not taking an honest look at the situation.

Just comes across like you’re trying to argue instead of making coherent points, tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, you have been given 18 pages of 'coherent points.'

And you still haven't decided what to do.

What exactly do you want from this thread?

See page 14 where I decided what to do.

Now I’m just seeing if anyone else has anything useful or new to suggest, or anything I might have missed.

Of course they “want” a room each, who wouldn’t. But in your circumstances it doesn’t make sense. Is there a room big enough that you can put partitions in to give a seperate space? Or bunk beds in the middle & sectioned/closed off to each other, so that they have their own space within a room? Let them chose the decor in their own section?
Don't give them the smallest room to share.

Room to share until they can look after the one they have and show they are being clean and responsible.

Then what happens when someone comes to stay, one twin or the other will have a fit if they have to vacate their room instead of the other twin. And other twin will have fit because other one is encroaching on their space. Nah. Share a room.

She has a say about what happens in her house though.

Maryhadalittlemouse seems to be quite argumentative today, and has committed the cardinal MN since of commenting without RTFT.
Naughty mouse! No cheese for you tonight...