To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

They can have a room each but need to share if a guest is staying

It’s half her house. She gets just as much say as her husband.

It's not a little thing at all. The room could be made up as a guest room at all times. It can be kept pristine between guests and also have empty cupboards/wardrobe for them. Giving the girls 2 rooms just makes unnecessary work for OP. Even if the girls were relatively clean and tidy, there would still be a problem moving stuff around. And I'd bet the girl whose room was being the guest room, would be moaning, 'it's not fair' that she needs to move. There would also be the added problem of needing 2 beds in the smaller room when the girls need to share. If they instead share the largest room, 2 beds will fit easily.

Well to start you could tell them that it's not happening unless they can prove they can leave a room in a civilised state. It's not part of being a 12-year-old, I never left my small bedroom at home in that state and you wonder how they behave at their mother's place.

You've obviously not had teenage daughters 😆

Yes theres a lot of shock on here about this mess these girls cause.

One poster asking if they have MH disorders!!! lol

No, this is some pre teens for you.

They may even get worse.

Im not particularly shocked.

It's half her bloody house, she lives there all the time, of course she gets a say. Presumably, she'll be paying for half of it. And its not as if she is doing anything bad asking same sex twins to continue sharing a room, that's all.

Well you must live in some parallel universe, because no kids of mine or anyone else I know, would have been allowed to behave like this.😮

@Cachet88 ignore all the people who haven't RTFT ("They can have a room each and share when you have guests." 🤪) and those who think you have no rights in your own home not to mention the 'Got It Completely Together' ones who just don't get why you ended up in a relationship with a man who already has children or, shock horror, isn't in every conceivable way perfect.
You have my sympathy because this is a very common dynamic, even if it plays out in different ways for different people. You have a basically nice man who feels guilty he split his first family so can be a bit of a soft touch, a bio mother who does things differently, kids who, even with the best will in the world, will have been affected by the family split and you trying your damnedest to pull it all together the way women usually do whilst not losing sight of your own wants and needs.
FWIW, I think they should share a room and you need to keep pushing Dad to assume responsibility for them and the room whilst you play the cool step mum and keep them onside. So hard, I know, because you still have to live with mental load and knowledge that part of your house is an absolute tip/outside of your control.

OTOH, I probably had the least messy teenager, and it wasn't because he wasn't allowed - he just wasn't messy. I can still well believe that these girls behave like this and, short of standing over them the whole weekend, there is little OP can do to stop it, As they are there such a short time, OP and her DH also want them to have an enjoyable time when they are staying and not be getting on to them the whole time.

I work with children, Ive worked with hundreds of children over the past 30 years, some are like yours, many are little grot bags. It sometimes takes continuous intervention to help them change, and sometimes they dont, they get to adulthood and are still little grot bags!!

FWIW, I think they should share a room and you need to keep pushing Dad to assume responsibility for them and the room whilst you play the cool step mum and keep them onside. So hard, I know, because you still have to live with mental load and knowledge that part of your house is an absolute tip/outside of your control.

And it is definitely easier to cope with one pigsty rather than 2!

How do you decide which one has to have their room double up as the spare?

even if all 3 children were my children, I would have the girls share and make 1 bedroom the spare/study if we had regular guests. And that’s regardless of the issues around the mess!

Well I'll take your word for it, as I bow to your experience. 🙂

So the bogie artwork continues into adulthood does it?

Presumably they'll find a partner who also wants to live like a pig in shit and then team up and create work for my Health Visitor friends.

I really thought I'd heard it all, but "every day is a school day" they say 😦

They can share and trash 1 room, why should you let them trash 2 rooms! Serves them right,tell them when they behave properly they can have a room each

No brainer. If they can't keep their room clean and hygienic, they don't deserve individual rooms. They share at their mums house so what's the difference? They're kids FFS! It's the parents job to teach them to be considerate of others (YOU!) and cherish the ordered home you provide for them.

For me three more questions

• what space do the girls have for their things at your home and at their mum's home?
• what size is the room they would be sharing?
• why doesn't their Dad make them tidy and clean properly?

I totally get why you don't want to have 2 empty rooms that can't be used for EOWE and half the holidays, but I also think it is important for these nearly teenage girls to have some space that is really theirs where they can put their things and not have to keep moving them. Sharing a room doesn't necessarily mean they don't have this, I know some kids who share big rooms with plenty of separate storage space for all their things, but also know some kids who share in cramped conditions. But is the room big enough for them to have separate sides? Areas? Storage? Do they have this at their mum's? Honestly they deserve a space to call theirs.

Sometimes, sometimes they get boyfriends and girlfriends and suddenly they find an interest in personal hygeine and want to show off their bedrooms nicely

Sometimes they absolutely go on to find similar partners and then I'll go through it all again with their kids.

But sometimes you wouldnt spot it from the outside, the girls will get all glammed up and be spotless and take a pride in their appearance but their room is smelly and disgusting with make up smears, hair dye accidents, floorobes, the works. The boys get their little man bags and curate 'hairstyles' and wear buckets of lynx (still).

I see!

They will be absolutely fine to share

Can you start with them sharing, and explain why, but give them the chance to prove they can earn a room each by taking care of the new shared room in the new house? If they can be trusted and learn to look after it with a fresh start in a new house they can be rewarded with a room each that will be easy to get guest ready. Then they have to take responsibility if they want it.

@Cachet88 the fact they are there 4 to 6 days a month, of course they can share a room, why should you not be able to have guests come and visit. They have a warm bed to sleep in a roof over their head and food in their bellies. If they lived with you all the time then yes it would be nice to have their own rooms. YANBU.

And it’s half their father’s house too, so he should also get some say. That’s if he decides to step up for them. Many don’t. Which is why a lot of children from broken families stop visiting as they get older, as they see where their dad’s loyalty lies. Usually with the second family.

This must be really difficult to live with. Stepkids is not an easy path.