DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

You cant stop them from having relationships. But you can educate them and set boundaries and examples of healthy relationships from when they are young to help them with their choices.
Safe sex for example?
Having own boundaries and being able to make the right (and often more difficult choice) for example if you are sitting exams you really should be focusing on those rather than babysitting a 4 year old child playing WWE games.

There are always plenty of opportunities to stray, make a wrong choice, be reckless etc, for anyone....children need to be guided and educated and supported when they are younger to see that 16/17/18 is not the time for serious relationships its the time for investing in their future.

Yes have fun, but not serious relationships like these two lads embarked on.

I think it's reasonable that you think it's a shit situation, OP. It will be confusing for the child involved if your son and his girlfriend break up and he disappears from the child's life.

That said, truly what could you do? I understand that you don't view your son as an adult while he's still at school but legally he is. He can make his own decisions and mistakes. And while his behaviour is stupid and unfair to the child, it's not illegal.

I think that having said your piece you just have to leave them to make their own mistakes.

I agree. There are decent, stable, usually a bit older, men, who may make a suitable father figure for her child.
She may have to look a bit further afield to find such a guy and be very discerning.

They may be boring and not exciting and perhaps not the best-looking men but it's her best option given the circumstances.
Hanging around with an 18-year-old boy isn't a good idea.

You are wholly wrong.
Children whose parents separate and co parent amicably and consistently do far better then children growing up in a household with rowing/atmosphere/no love/parents not sharing the load/absent parenting/abuse etc you know, the people who "stay for the children" 🙄

Children need to feel safe and feel loved. They dont feel these things in a home where their primary care givers despise each other.

Children with two happy separated parents do better

Yes. Because its well known that women who have kids will have to settle for older boring and not so nice looking men - because that's all they can get. Because they have a child

Going to the hairdressers perhaps?? 🤣🤣

Or children with one parent who cares about them when the other doesn't

What do you mean boring and exciting and not good looking ? Why not good looking ?

Because single women with kids won't attract a good looking guy

Oh no it's not just about his looks.

What is it about then

I agree…………….. but he does have a child.

I get that, which is why i was highlighting she’s out here pointing fingers when maybe she should be looking at her son and his parenting choices. Which are essentially… not parenting.

I can see your concern, absolutely. But as sad as it is for this child when the relationship inevitably goes south, and he loses a father figure, I can't see how it's your problem. This child, and his mother, is nothing to do with you.

I suspect, deep down, you're worried about history repeating itself, and you having another son out there, creating kids he's got no interest in. Especially as your other son is such a poor example of fatherhood.

Research says otherwise.

Completely agree.

I'm flabbergasted that he's "away" at uni, presumably living the full student experience, when he's got a young daughter at home.
He should be living locally, working, perhaps doing some uni part time, contributing towards, and seeing his child regularly.

This thread is, I think, a prime example of "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

Well it seems very odd that she wanted to ring social services when her other son sees his kid during uni holidays

When I was 19 I was playing mummy to my husband's 7 year old....God I wish I'd not done!

SS wouldn’t do anything as there’s nothing to do, you’d be wasting their time purposely because you don’t like your son’s behaviour. I agree with you that he’s being foolish though.

What a funny thing to say? I'm a lone parent, my partner's quite handsome. I don't think it works like that.

What it does work like is that single or lone women often end up attracting the wrong type of men, nothing to do with looks. They are sometimes emotionally and economically vulnerable and this can lead to risks to the children, I've seen that happen many times and why I would strongly encourage all single mums not to move in their partner or have them in sole charge of the kids for years, not months.

Anyway, that ship has sailed here, OP, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Support your son with his studies, his friendships and provide a steady base so he can make the best decisions about his relationships possible. It may be his future lies with this woman and her child, it may not, but by being constant, not judgy, and always somewhere he can talk and come back to, he will be better able to make good choices for himself.

I know someone who met his partner when he was 20 and she was 40 with two children; his parents absolutely hated her and blamed her for taking away his chance to have children. When I met them, 20 years later, they were happy, in love and very stable, and he'd loved bringing up those children in their family. It was right for him.

Not judging and keeping the lines of communication open will help him far more than giving him advice which, to be frank, you are in no position to give.

I completely agree.

I think OP is just a good example of sexism and the double standards that young mothers face, no one is ever trying to hold young fathers to the same standards.

Well having taught for 23 years I have encountered more well adjusted happy children from separated, consistent happy homes, and more children with self esteem issues, confidence issues, attendance issues being raised in a household with arguments and an unhappy atmosphere....these are the children that dont want to go home

Maybe the reason he wants to “play dad” is in part because seeing his older brother become a teen dad has sort of normalised it for him. Maybe he disagrees with the way his brother has handled that situation and that has influenced his own behaviour.
Anyway, as hard as it is my advice would be to stay out of it but set boundaries like he can’t bring the kid to your house. I know you’re worried they will have a kid together but there isn’t much you can do there. If you leave it, I bet he will get tired of the whole set up very quickly. She shouldn’t be leaving her ds with someone she only knows for so long but the good thing about that is the reality of it will hit your son quite soon.
Let it burn itself out.
I remember my parents going mental because my younger sister started dating her friend’s dad. She was eighteen so nothing they could do. I told them just don’t give her the reaction and it will soon fizzle out and it did.
If you try tell him what to do it’ll just add fuel to the fire. No eighteen year old is going to want to deal with the reality being responsible for a small kid if they don’t have to.

Maybe the uni he could afford to go and what would accept him on the course he can reasonably succeed at is there. 3 years of that to have a better paying job with prospects is worth it and if anything, it speaks well of a parent. Not the opposite. Nit every uni has every course and will accept every student on said course.

Parent who hardly sees his child