DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

I think it's quite telling that the OP wanted to report to social services when the son, gf and child are going to Edinburgh to see her ex. The son hasn't stayed over at his gfs house yet but they'll be staying over with the dad? Is this what you are trying to prevent Op?

So basically - your eldest son was 15 when he had sex with a girl a few years older and has a kid but that's ok. But it's not OK that your other son has a gf who is a few years older and has a child that isn't your sons?

What is it with posters misreading what an OP says and judging them on mistaken information?? And it's never misjudging them positively?

The OP said the older son's girlfriend is "a few years older" than him, so if he was 15, then she was at least 17 and more likely 18 or 19 when her daughter was born.

On the actual subject here, I see the problem as being mainly about the risk to the small child of being abandoned by just one of possibly many future father figures - a child with multiple "uncles" throughout her childhood. The OP can't do much about that though, sadly.
@PlumPuddingPonderer29 I think the best you can do is remain supportive, but also point out (kindly) the problems with childcare that consists of playing videogames, and also remind him, as others have also said, that he needs to be aware that the child is getting attached to him. I'm not sure what he can do about that though - it's not as though the solution is to be cold and uncaring to her!

And if the relationship stays the distance, you won't have caused a fall-out with your son over it.💐

I wouldn't report her to social services, that's really harsh unless you're suggesting your son is a danger to her? And as you say they won't do anything because she is the child's mum and can choose who she introduces to her child. Whilst it's not ideal to introduce someone to early, it's an opinion that three months is to early because there is no law on it - my friend did this and had a very long happy marriage whereas I wouldn't drem of it.
I would back off or you will just push him more towards her and given she has her own flat and he's increasing his time with her I don't think it will take a lot.

So you have brought up two lousy men @PlumPuddingPonderer29 . The eldest 20 y old who doesn't see his 3 year old and the 18 year old who is so immature and neglectful that he lets a 4 year old play inappropriate video games when he's babysitting for a couple of hours. I would be so depressed if I had raised these "men".
Tbh my 12 year old ds would do a better job babysitting than your 18 year old- he would actively play with the child and put a children's cartoon on if tv at all. (I had a friend's 3 year old over and I asked if he wanted to help- I supervised obv but I was happy to see how responsable and mature he was).

Yes I misread.Very sorry about that

Personally I would be speaking to him about how damaging this will be to her child. I wouldn't get in to any other discussions though

Yes you do. You can look at your nearest uni, find a course you fancy, and put that on your UCAS form.

I do. Girls fare better. It's not as detrimental to them. Boys, as a general rule, don't. Of course there are exceptions.
This is not even a judgement, nearly all the research agrees.
So my take is that UNLESS the father is abusive - in which case the boys ARE better off without him, obviously-is that it's better for the parents to stay together.
Don't shoot the messenger.

Blimey, OP. Put your own house in order before criticising someone else's!

Ok, well I still stand by what I said. Given the age and stage of life, it's unlikely they will stay together. What's the alternative? OP, you cannot force your 18 year old son to do anything and if you try, you risk pushing him away.

My first thought is these young men are keep to play dad because they don’t have their own father active in their lives, but I’m happy to be told I’m wrong.

The son has contact with his dad

I think, in the circumstances you describe, you should prepare yourself for the distinct possibility of the arrival of another grandchild.

Parents of all ages adjust their study plans to accommodate their children, and to ensure they can still work to support them. Everything from deferring, studying part time, changing their course, changing their planned uni. Entirely normal behaviour for committed parents, and one of the reasons why we don’t generally think it desirable to have children whilst still a child yourself.

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?

I don't think so, with the exception of the girlfriend and child visiting the property.

It’s not an ideal situation for the child and I judge his mother for letting your ds into the relationship so soon

but it’s his responsibility to work this out. Unless the child is at risk of harm, and it sounds very much not the case, you can’t get social services involved!

Define abusive

Where did she say it was ok? Stop making things up. She has a grandchild now so wishing her away would be cruel.

She said it’s not ok that her son and his gf have already placed him into a little boys life so soon when anything could happen. Op wants advice on that.

Sorry op but it’s one of those things you need to leave and see what happens. She’s a young mum. I can see why she’s probably very happy to have someone in her and her sons life.

I think it's understandable you don't want history repeating itself, but there's not really much you can do, unfortunately. Maybe on some level your younger son is trying to compensate for his brother not seeing his own child? Regardless, all you can do is make it very clear to him that having a child now would not be a good idea. Then hope he meets someone else at university.

There's not much to do except hope that your son has enough judgement to navigate this relationship by himself.

I agree that you seem to have much more forgiveness and understanding for your older son's situation than for your younger son's girlfriend, even though their circumstances presumably were pretty similar, namely "reckless teenager becomes a parent".

I never said anyone should be wished away. Hth

He could get a girl without a child pregnant just as easily

Have you met the girlfriend? Is she nice? You would be completely unreasonable reporting her to social services just because you think your son shouldn't be involved with her. Shame on you!

I do understand your concerns as the relationship is moving quickly. However your son seems to care for girlfriend and child and if he wants to introduce her to his dad it must be serious. Maybe he wants to be a father figure to this child being abused he's seen what an awful mess your first son has made and the fact he has nothing to do with his child. Perhaps your second son wants to be better.

Can you get to know the girlfriend? If you are openly hostile to this relationship you risk pushing your son away. From what he's said about his brother he obviously feels you are treating him very unfairly and I think you are if you criticize him wanting to be a father figure yet your first son manages to avoid any responsibility for his own child.

Double measures, eh?
Stay out of it.