DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?

Well that is the thing isn't it-you can't force a boy/man to be a father to his child.

Oh please don't be silly.
What man who isn't a bit boring wants to stay at home with children?
Ffs.
Surely it's better that he's safe and dependable.
And if he's exciting and really, really good-looking and young he's not going to want to do sit at home with kids.

This is just common sense.

I personally don't think one instance of babysitting is playing daddy.

He is an adult at 18 regardless if how you see him

What a strange take

Because he's at uni trying to make a better life for them. Just like thousands of women leave their children in developing countries to earn money to support their social mobility in the future. You think all those women are terrible parents too? Make sure you tell that to many of the NHS nurses the next time you're admitted to hospital. Tell the international nurses that any of you who are working here with your kids back home are shit parents.

So you think that a man who loves excitement (which means that he's probably not going to enjoy the repetition of early years childcare) and extremely good-looking and young is good stepfather material to a small child?
Words fail me.
Seriously.

I'm not judging her for being a young mum. And no DS being a dad at 15 isn't “ok” the mum was 18 nearly 19 and he was coerced into having sex with her but even though it's not ok and I obviously wasn't pleased even without knowing that he was coerced I can't exactly go back and stop it when I didn't have a clue.
And it isn't ok he doesn't come to visit her more but how to posters judging me propose I do that? I suspect the trauma of being coerced has somewhat affected their bond otherwise he probably wouldn't have told me. But he refused to report it or have counselling. He admitted that he only started dating her when she found out she was pregnant because he ‘thought it was the right thing’ they were together for over 2 years until DS ended the relationship. im not denying the mum was vulnerable with her having been in care but ds was vulnerable too. It’s nothing to do with how a raised him. There’s nothing different i could’ve done

I didn't split with their dad for “no reason” and I always tried to keep their relationship going but then he moved to Scotland and didn't see the boys as much it was always them going to him during half terms and holidays. There were very few occasions he came here. Yes it probably did affect eldest especially and he was off the rails somewhat at 15. Youngest hated going with his brother to visit their dad as he felt pushed out as eldest and their dad had more in common like football etc whereas youngest does like football but not as much

Throughout ds’s teen years he didn't have friends as he didn't really fit in and kept himself to himself. He's now at a sixth form college and still doesn't have loads of friends as in he doesn't go out with friends ever. Before he started dating his gf the only time he went out was for school and to the shops etc. He didn't have a social life but he didn't seem upset by it.

This is his first relationship and it just feels intense, there's no rush to introduce the child and gf to his dad and of course he would want to but he could wait until his dad comes here instead of taking a young child all that way somewhere unfamiliar meeting someone unfamiliar especially when the child suffers from travel sickness . Coupled with the fact he barely left the house previously and of course I'm happy he found someone but i don't know,,

He has an unconditional offer at a uni further away but also an offer at the Manchester uni, but he's now saying he wants to take a gap year or go to the local uni and while it is a good uni I can't help but worry it's because of the gf. The other uni is York so not exactly super far either. His attendance has slipped at sixth form too, and I worry it will affect his grades

I've also said multiple times I'm not going to report to SS, it was just a comment. Doesn't mean I'm going to do it, the judgement on this website…

Keep your nose out I would.

So according to you they've all to be boring older and average looking to be stepfather material?

Maybe be proud you have a son whose happy to look after a young child he didn't make?

Report her for what. That could end up having severe consequences as Social Workers are a nightmare. I agree with you that it’s not ideal but it’s really not your problem to be interfering with.

Perhaps you are getting pushback because you typed that you felt like calling social services presumably to break up your sons relationship. As for your other son it sounds like an awful situation but they were in a relationship for two years and then he went away to uni and rarely sees his child?

I’m looking at an account of 4 young people who have made poor life choices which affect their long-term outcomes in life. Really sad, TBH.

Eh?
I think that any woman - whether she's a single mum OR a woman seeking a man to have children with - would be wise to pick a man who doesn't crave excitement and no longer has the desire to have youthful hi jinks all the time.

As for the extremely good-looking bit, if he's young and craves excitement and good looking he's probably going to be a shit father/step father.

All I can say is that if there are women out there who have children with men on the basis that they're exciting, hot and immature instead of being dependable and boring and more settled in life then it is really no surprise that there's so much single parenthood.

A man HAS to not mind repetition and boredom to be a good father for fuck's sake.

Reminds me of a girl on my course at uni—had a baby at 16 and left him behind with her parents because she wanted the “uni experience”. She was only about 45 minutes away from home, yet lived on campus, and never went home at weekends (had a uni boyfriend and wanted to party with him at the weekend). I recall her saying toward the end of final year that she wasn’t going to move back in with her parents, and that she and her boyfriend were going to rent somewhere together. She said that her boyfriend didn’t want her boy living with them, so that was that. I kept my thoughts to myself, but I definitely had some opinions. This is why children shouldn’t be having children.

I've said multiple times that I wasn't going to though and people are still fixated on it. And calling me judgemental of a young mum but they're judging my son for having a baby at 15 and saying I think it's “ok” but I didn't at the time but it's not going to change things, she's here now and has been for 3 years.

If I had said DS sees her regularly but doesn't work or isn't in education and spends his days doing nothing but drugs or whatever posters would still call him a shit dad and rightly so but he's at least doing something with his life and his end goal is to be a teacher.

That wasn't the point of my thread anyway I would've said if i’d asked for peoples judgemental or (non) advice.

To the posters saying it’s not any of my business about my younger sons gf, he lives here with me so I’d say it is especially if it’s going to mess up his education that I had put money away into savings for (if he didn’t want to go to uni at all in the first place fine but he did before he met his gf and he had somewhat of a plan too for what job he wants etc)

You see your oldest son as an adult but not your youngest - and there's only 11 months between them. The point is - he could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a child and the same things could occur. Dropping attendance - risk of pregnancy. It's no less likely just because his gf has a child

In my opinion an 18yo living at home still at school/college is different in maturity to an 18yo away at uni loving away in halls or a just turned 19yo. As I said when my youngest turned 18 his maturity was extremely different to my eldest and his friends when they were 18 and had just gone to uni. Especially as youngest has not much experience going out with friends on holidays or just out places with them/nights out as he doesn’t have close enough friends for that. I know he talks to people at college but i don’t think he classes them as “friends” and he doesn’t see them outside of college

I was 18 when I started dating my first boyfriend. I did go on nights out with friends but had never been on holiday with them. There were friends of mine who were in serious relationships at 14 or 15. So your issue is that you think he's too young to be in a relationship?

I can understand your concerns about his uni future. But I don't think 18 is too young to be in a relationship

I understand your concern and as a parent I would also not be happy about this. However, regardless of your son's situation/maturity level, he is 18 years of age and legally an adult. There is nothing you can do about this.
You cannot control who he enters a relationship with. You can control what happens under your roof but just be careful as if you start making life difficult for him, he's likely to distance himself from you.
I remember being 18 and if my parents had tried to control my relationships, it would have made me even more determined to go against their wishes.

No, i just think it’s too intense for a first relationship. Especially for an 18yo who doesn’t have much life experience probably compared to others his age who socialise with friends and may be more independent atleast semi independent. It highlights that with how he wants to travel so soon just 4 months into a relationship that he’s eager to travel to scotland to see his dad to introduce them when there’s no rush really and he could wait until he comes to visit himself or until they’ve been together linger. It’s not like he and his dad are close that he wants to involve him in these things as they aren’t

Im sorry but theres lots you could have done when your lads were younger which meant they had boundaries and valued their education so didnt choose unprotected sex and "serious" relationships over concentrating on school/uni and just having fun with their friends and relationships with people their own age with safe sex to avoid anything tying them down.

The only reason people are coming at you like this is becsuse you suggested reporting this young mum to SS and seem.so bothered about what your son is wrapped up in but its a little bit of "acting after the horse has bolted" so to speak.

If he had his head screwed on he would know that now is not that time for embarking on a serious relationship with a young mum and toddler.

Sounds like he has attachment issues himself and looking for someone/something to love/nurture

But doesnt go to see the child at weekends??