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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

289 replies

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 29/03/2026 23:03

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

OP posts:
Rewis · 30/03/2026 00:04

You're right, she shouldn't have introduced her new bf to her child so quickly. It has happened. Your son propabky isn't mature enough to be a step-dad. Very few 18yo are. You can report this to social services but unless your son has some issues that are likely affecting the child, introducing new bf too soon is not a reason to take children into care.

There is nothing you can do anymore other than tell him to use condoms (which you did) and encourage him to be a good partner for as long as they are together.

As for your other son. Not sure how he is different from this girl and her ex.

Franjipanl8r · 30/03/2026 00:05

If you’re hoping your kids don’t become young parents, that ship’s sailed I’m afraid. Absolutely nothing you can do now.

Overtheatlantic · 30/03/2026 00:05

For everyone saying it’s not the OP’s business I’m assuming you’ve never had to pick up the pieces and financially support family members who make bad decision after bad decision. It becomes your business when there is a child involved who doesn’t deserve to suffer. Honestly.

Lavenderandbrown · 30/03/2026 00:12

None of it is ideal OP and I get your worries…
your son was way to young to be a dad and it’s difficult logistically to see his dc. Try to see dc yourself and keep in contact with the mum. Hopefully he won’t have anymore dc for a good while.
your other son is too young to be a stepdad but he does seem to enjoy the boy? It’s too soon for the boy to be meeting anyone but it’s done now. Make it pleasant / fun for the little guy and he will have a pocket of happiness being around you all. If they break up they break up and good job reminding him to be careful with protection. Her child doesn’t need a sibling just yet. But for the now you all can make one day out of many a good day for the little guy.

AnotherDogWontHurt · 30/03/2026 00:14

I’d be really concerned if this was my son. There is no way I’d want my child playing some sort of parent figure at that age. Encourage him to focus on school, planning for uni, going out with friends etc. Being ‘dad’ to someone else’s child at that age is far from ideal.

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

Original poster
PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 00:27

Rewis · 30/03/2026 00:04

You're right, she shouldn't have introduced her new bf to her child so quickly. It has happened. Your son propabky isn't mature enough to be a step-dad. Very few 18yo are. You can report this to social services but unless your son has some issues that are likely affecting the child, introducing new bf too soon is not a reason to take children into care.

There is nothing you can do anymore other than tell him to use condoms (which you did) and encourage him to be a good partner for as long as they are together.

As for your other son. Not sure how he is different from this girl and her ex.

Ok this is the last I'm going to say on the matter as it's not why I posted. We live in a rough area and DS started hanging around with some dodgy older boys and yes when I found out I did try to stop it. Granddaughters mum is a few years older than DS but at the time he was saying she was his gf, he wasn’t forced or anything (he was asked by social services) but then they broke up when he was 17 and told me that his ex wanted to have sex with him and the other lads were sort of coercing him/bigging him up and he felt he had to because he didn’t want to embarrass himself and he felt pressured and then they started a relationship when she found out she was pregnant. I dont blame her as she was in care and also vulnerable, she’s a good mum etc. He’s away at uni trying to do well for himself and in turn his daughter. I would like him to see her more but i can’t force him to come home at weekends.

So yes it’s a different situation and not relevant at all so please stop derailing the thread its not about my eldest.

OP posts:
SALaw · 30/03/2026 00:29

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 29/03/2026 23:12

OP son doesn’t have a son

Show quote history

Did you read the post?! It is set out very clearly in that.

ArtAngel · 30/03/2026 00:30

I wouldn’t be comfortable with any of this either, OP.

But is he really ‘playing Daddy’? He goes to her flat but doesn’t stay overnight, and has babysat the child once.

And lots of teens babysit, not sure what the big risk is in him caring for the child for a few hours.

What are his plans after A levels? Does he want to go to Uni?

Hopefully his future plans will take over.

Trying to put him off the relationship will presumably just antagonise him - and her.

Did you really not say his older brother was too young to have a baby at 15? Can you talk to him about how it really isn’t ideal for babies to have Dads who are not paying for their maintenance or investing time into bring fathers and you would love to see him get his exams, go to Ini (if that is his plan) have time to enjoy being a young adult and getting a good income before taking on responsibility as a father.

Maybe his own Dad will help.

Rhubarb24 · 30/03/2026 00:30

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

No. He's playing step dad to his girlfriend's 4 year old boy.

His elder brother is an absent father (away at uni) to his own daughter.

Anewerforest · 30/03/2026 00:30

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

No, there are 2 sons. The older one has a child. The younger one has a gf with a child.

EvieBB · 30/03/2026 00:33

Lemonfrost · 29/03/2026 23:15

Stay out of it. He is an adult and whatever your opinion, it’s nothing to do with you.

It's a bit to do with her if her son is still living in her house

SALaw · 30/03/2026 00:33

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

You need to try reading again. The OP’s post really is quite clear.

rainbowunicorn · 30/03/2026 00:34

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

No.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/03/2026 00:34

canuckup · 30/03/2026 00:23

He's 18, has a child that he doesn't see, but is playing father to a child that isn't his??

Is that the crux of it?

No

Meadowfinch · 30/03/2026 00:39

Op, there is no advice other than "stay out of it".

Your son is an adult, regardless of what you think. He will make his own decisions regardless of what you do. You have advised him on contraception. Now you have to step back and let your son live his life, or you risk alienating him.

And there are benefits to the situation. Your son will learning that parenting is hard work, he'll learn a lot of basic childcare that few 18yo boys know, and maybe he will put more thought in to becoming a father than either his older brother or his gf.

Rhubarb24 · 30/03/2026 00:40

EvieBB · 30/03/2026 00:33

It's a bit to do with her if her son is still living in her house

Show quote history

But what's the alternative? If she pushes it, he can just move out. It sounds like his dad lives in Scotland, so he won't be going there. He'll go to his girlfriend's. That's what my 18 year old does if we ever disagree on stuff.

Ilovecakey · 30/03/2026 00:42

InNewYorkNoShoes · 29/03/2026 23:09

You are soooo judgmental of her for being a young mum but your son was very young he had a child!

Exactly what a hypocrite and dont be a bitch and report her to SS that is evil! Just leave them to it they might split up anyway.

ChickenBananaBanana · 30/03/2026 00:49

At least one of your sons is acting like a dad ay. Shame it's not the one with a biological child

Iloveagoodnap · 30/03/2026 00:58

In some ways it shows what a lovely young man your youngest must be - not many 18 year olds would want to help take care of a young child.

The more you try to make him see that this is probably not the life he should be aiming for, the more he’ll feel pushed towards the girl and he’ll be less likely to end things (until something comes to a head) because he won’t want to hear ‘I told you so.’ So I think the only thing you can really do is talk to him about how adults can go their own way after a relationship and start again with a new partner but for a child if they lose someone who they were close to they might never get over that. So he should think very carefully about whether he wants to be with someone with a child as what will he do if they break up? Would he still want to see the child? If not, perhaps this is not the relationship for him. And then leave him to make his own choices.

But I have an 18 year old and if I came home to find him playing video games and ignoring a young child I would give him a talking to about how that wasn’t appropriate and pointing out the kinds of things he should have been doing with him.

VividPinkTraybake · 30/03/2026 01:04

AnotherDogWontHurt · 30/03/2026 00:14

I’d be really concerned if this was my son. There is no way I’d want my child playing some sort of parent figure at that age. Encourage him to focus on school, planning for uni, going out with friends etc. Being ‘dad’ to someone else’s child at that age is far from ideal.

I always laugh at people who say "encourage your child to..." It's meaningless advice when it's about a 10 year old and their friends it's even less likely when the boy is fucking 18

GoBackToBooks · 30/03/2026 01:10

You can only hope it fizzles out when he goes to Uni. Keep reminding him about protection in the mean-time.

I’m very surprised to hear that two boys with ‘brains’ have got themselves stuck with kids from such a young age. I thought this was more for the uneducated.

ImFinePMSL · 30/03/2026 01:17

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 29/03/2026 23:23

To me he isn't an adult, he's still at school, just because he's 18 doesn't making him an adult. There's a difference between being 18 still being in school/college and 18 away at uni. There's 11 months between my ds’s so I've witnessed it. Eldest and his friends were and are at completely different stages to youngest

I'm not judging her for being a young mum, yes my eldest ds was a dad a few weeks before he turned 16 but that was a totally different situation to this. I just think it's inappropriate that the poor child will lose another dad when they split up. And 3 months in he shouldn't even have met him let alone looked after him alone. He seemed to meet him straight away with going to her flat etc. They only started dating in November when he told me.

I said I know it's unreasonable to be thinking of Ss and I won't obviously.

He’s an adult.

You said he was in “college” in your OP, so why is he now in “school”?

You can put a stop your son bringing this child to your home, but apart from that you can’t really dictate who he has a relationship with.

I doubt it will last much longer tbh, especially if he does plan on moving away to uni. He’ll want the single guy uni party lifestyle.

AnotherDogWontHurt · 30/03/2026 01:21

VividPinkTraybake · 30/03/2026 01:04

I always laugh at people who say "encourage your child to..." It's meaningless advice when it's about a 10 year old and their friends it's even less likely when the boy is fucking 18

Show quote history

You can laugh all you like but for many people, thats all they can do with an 18 year old.

And actually my own children are teens to adults and still come to us for advice and we have always been able to steer them in a good direction as they know we have their best interests at heart. If that’s not the relationship you have though, ion a situation like this, all you can do is try to get them to focus on other things. A friend of mine ‘encouraged’ her 19 year old daughter to have a gap year travelling to get her away from an older bloke with kids that she was dating. Within 2 months of travelling, she’d dumped him and realised there was much more to life than raising someone else’s kids when she was still a teenager herself.

patooties · 30/03/2026 01:24

Oh wow. Just wow. Not in a good way.