DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

That’s a lot of judgement there. They did have boundaries and I always made sure they knew education was important and generally they did value it. Eldest went through a phase where he was getting into trouble at school but I gave consequences and he did well in his GCSEs and A levels (2 A* and an A) and youngest is predicted good A level results too but I worry he just won’t try now hes somewhat distracted with a gf. If it were a gf his age and no child involved then fine as she’d likely to be also working hard on A levels aswell and they likely wouldn’t see eachother as much during the revision/exam period naturally

Very unlikely that the OP fully funds her son through uni. What do you think he might have to do on weekends if he goes to uni and lives away from home? Even more so if he pays CM?

None of your business

Do you think that's worth missing that time away from your child? Lots of students get student loans and a contribution from parents - not every student works. Even away from home because part time jobs aren't always easy to come by

Trying to ruin your DS's GF's life is not going to stop him making mistakes, and frankly isn't fair.
I take it DS still lives at home, concentrate on what you are in control of and say you think he is making a mistake and it is upsetting you to watch it a a slow motion car crash, so you would like him to leave.
You can't stay in control of his life by having him live with you- so I think it would be better all around if he didn't

Perfect parent alert.

I don't plan on kicking my son our when hes about to sit his A levels in a few months

As for my eldest, it’s not relevant but yes he does work part time in a bar. He’s not on shift every weekend so could come on the saturday until sunday afternoon if hes had a shift on the friday but he often says hes tired and his daughter doesn’t miss him anyway. Unsure how the judgemental perfect posters expect me to force him to come home as that’s what it seems like posters want but how. I literally can’t.

What? He’s about to take his A levels.

Some of the responses on this thread are wild, like be proud, give him childcare advice, it’s none of OPs business and now kick him out…..what is going on on this thread? 🫨🤪

Really it's his life he is an adult, the fact he is about to take his A'levels doesn't change that. In a perfect world the OP wouldn't interfere, because it is not her business, yet the OP wants to get her son's GF in trouble with social services so she can continue to try and control her DS's life. She should leave him alone but feels she can't, to the extent she is going to lie to the authorities in order to get her way- but you think asking him to leave instead is an extreme outcome??

Unsure how the judgemental perfect posters expect me to force him to come home as that’s what it seems like posters want but how. I literally can’t.

I think the judgement from PPs comes from the fact that you are judging this young mum on her choices and how it impacts your son but you have a child who has a child himself and barely bothers with it.

This young woman is taking care of her child every day, yet you seem to somehow think she is worse than your other son who barely sees his own child.

If my DD started dating your other son I would be devastated, just like you are with your son at home dating this woman.

Its ok to be concerned about your son but not if it means judging someone when your own child is worse than them.

It’s like judging someone for enjoying a few drinks on a weekend when you’ve got a child who’s an alcoholic.
Don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house.

That being said I understand your concern, however unless you choose to stop paying for your son, then there is literally nothing you can do about this relationship and anything that you do do to try and split them up will actually have the opposite effect.

Hello
you have two lads who have very significant responsibilities at a young age. The oldest has no choice but the youngest has. There is very little sympathy for men who are pressured to have sex with a woman a few years older and I think your oldest deserves much sympathy. Hats off to him for going to uni and not giving up. Hats off to you for hanging in there. The oldest will likely have set some kind of template for the youngest - even if it’s unconscious. All is not lost for your youngest. Keep lines of communication open. Point out to him that he should be careful to guard his heart especially wrt the child - if there is a split he will lose the child as well as the girl. Of course it’s no good for the child either!!!! But your child is your priority. Encourage him in his studies. Love him. Don’t let your fear overcome you. Have faith. Encourage him to be kind and a good man. Wobbles now don’t mean all is lost. Parenting is a very long haul

YABU

Just because she had a child young doesn't mean she will have another anytime soon. I had my first young and I haven't had another. I'm early 30s now.

I don't agree. The younger son has been in a relationship for four months. He doesn't have significant responsibilities - the mother of the child does. He's looked after the child once for three hours. How is that having responsibilities?

The older son isn't stepping up to his responsibilities - he sees his daughter during the holidays - summer probably.

I would be concerned in your shoes OP. You have one son who already has a daughter, that he doesn't see a huge amount of, due to being away at university, you don't want your youngest in the same boat. Your son's girlfriend is 20, and is responsible for a little boy, yet she shows poor judgement. At this point, her son shouldn't have even met your son, let alone being left with him, so she can attend an appointment.

I doubt your son is mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. However, he's in a relationship with her, and as it currently stands, you can't do anything about it. He knows you disapprove, and the more you show your disapproval, the more you will drive him towards her. You need to back-off. Tell him, that it's his choice, and although you don't approve, you respect that it's his decision. Tell him, that you're there for him, if he needs you, no matter what it might be.

I suspect the novelty of having a girlfriend with a child, will quickly lose it's appeal. Or she'll realise how immature he is (like most average 18 year old lads) and drop him.

For me it's where your attention and worry is. One of your children has a child he doesn't parent whilst your post is concern about someone else's child. If you had posted about the former I'd understand it because it's a worrying situation. Instead you are putting your energy into a situation that you have little ability to influence.

Speak to your son who is the parent and throw your energy into doing what you can for your granddaughter to have the best life outcomes possible.

As a young parent I had to make choices about university. And those choices included attending a commutable university, despite holding an offer for a far better institution.

I feel like I've read this before quite recently

My life isn't perfect. However I have a father who fucked off out of my life when I was very small. I don't hate him. I have no idea who he is but I resent him. I resent the fact he made no effort with me. I resent he left my mum in the lurch - and they were married. My mum also had me at 19 but she tried everything she could to make sure my dad saw me - and he could not be bothered. Oddly enough. He was a teacher. Cared about other kids. Not me

Your oldest son was in a relationship with his ex for two years and then ended it and went to uni and hardly sees his child. No wonder the kid doesn't know who he is. He's making no effort

Your oldest son could also have gfs at uni. You don't know

You're giving your son grief for no reason while your eldest does not prioritise his child

I'll also say none of this is your fault. But your youngest son sounds like a good kid and your oldest obviously has had it hard - but he can't be a summer holiday dad. It's not on. At all.

It's not far on his daughter and it's not fair on the mum - and I sincerely hope he's paying child maintenance -that's the least that child deserves.

And lots of first relationships are intense. Mine was. He'll be fine - he sounds like a good kid.

I agree and had to do the same.

I think it’s shocking that he made a child then fucked off and made the mum do it all and apparently it’s ’ok as he’s at uni’.

And then OP is judging this other woman, when she is actually taking care of her child FT and hasn’t decided to just ditch the kid and go to a uni that means she only gets to see the child a couple times a month.

OP wanted to ring SS because of this mums parenting, yet she has a son with a child who is barely involved.
You couldn’t make it up.

There is a very misogynistic tone in OPs posts.

Oh come on now. The girl went out for a couple of hours, there's no reason to think her boyfriend would hurt her child and he'd spent lots of time at her place - so he seems to have a good relationship with the child.

Op has said calling SS wasn’t a serious idea but her train of thought.

I also can’t believe you are suggesting that doing an equal share of raising a child is more important than a teenager growing up, getting qualifications and getting aspirational. Much better potential for supporting a child long term. It’s also a door open to the mum.

Being a childminder is a tough job that OFSTED have to monitor. Ops other son is potentially that or a step parent which is even harder. He has no connection to the kid apart from through the woman he’s dating. He’s not a family member, nor a friend.

They are different situations not misogyny.

But it's not either or. As a parent the son needs to do both. We can't pretend that a teenager having a child will not require guidance. That's what the OP should be focusing on, guiding her son who is already a parent to be a GOOD parent.

The son has said that his child doesn't know who he is. That's because he sees her in the holidays only. The other son has looked after the child once for three hours. That doesn't make him a childminder or a stepfather.

The oldest son isn't doing an equal share - nothing like it. The Op also made a comment that he sees the child when the mum allows it. I bet that there's resentment there that he dumped her after being part of the child's life and went off to uni and hardly sees the child.

Your son's a nice boy. Even if he does have a child with her it's better than being a party animal in the Uni, getting drugged and drunk and being detached from realities of life. I think you should support him and he will definitely cool off at some point but will remember you as a caring and supportive mum.