DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

Op surely the only and best thing you can do is make sure your ds acts appropriately around the child eg the video games he was playing.
Talk to him about connections and bonding etc and maybe even some child care early years books

When I met my now husband, he was 19 and a trainee in his job. I was a few years older with a 4 year old. His parents hated me - they never said as much but I knew. I didn’t introduce DH to my child for about 6 months, and definitely didn’t leave him to babysit, but he’s a wonderful step dad to her (she doesn’t see her own dad). 7 years into our relationship we had our own child too. It was a bit rocky at first whilst we found our feet, but we are extremely happy and in a great marriage.

Just trust your son to make the right decisions for him. And don’t judge her too hard. Lift her up, encourage her to be the best version of herself for your son and future grandchildren

I don’t think there is a lot you can do, your DC don’t seem to have a particularly strong track record of taking your advice. Other than keeping good communication channels open with them.

No real surprises that DS thinks he can handle being a stepdad when his older brother became a "father" at 17.

DS pretty naiive to think he can take on the role of stepdad with his limited life experience and uni ambitions - both of which are full time commitments. DS gf also naiive to opt for a partner who will have extremely limited funds and fluctuating availability. She would as well be better choosing a partner with an aprenticeship or steady job.

Either the relationship won't last or DS will drop out of uni, find some basic paying job and shack up with gf.

He's not a stepdad. They aren't married

Do these agenda driven responses help anyone?

Op is blaming women because - one woman has left her 4 year old child with a man she knows for 3 months so she can do her hair. I think that woman deserves criticism even if she is a woman.

About older son, he was 16 and mother of his child was older woman. If the genders were reverse, people will call older person involved with a 16 year old girl a groomer.

Doesn't deserve being reported to social services

Teenagers mess up. It was ever thus. None of the young people you mention here are the first and they won't be the last. What you are looking for here is advice about the situation you find yourself in.
I would be worried too if I had a son of 18 so closely involved with a young woman of 21 that he is babysitting her child and bringing him around to your home. First relationships often don't last and this is an important time in your son's life leading up to exams which decide the next steps in his future and if this young woman doesn't have much support it's easy to see how he could start taking a step parent type role he isn't mature enough to handle.
Yes his brother was already a father at this age but from what you say you can see that he struggles with the role of father, has moved on to university and doesn't see his child much. And being a step parent is even more complicated than being a parent and you have already been down the route of trying to support a young family member with a child.
I would be worried too op. So what can you do about it? Practically not much.
Do you remember being 18 and knowing everything? Hormones raging? The only important thing the sex in a new relationship. And, and this is important, the more your parent tried to tell you something :for your own good' the more you resisted and went in the opposite direction?
If you back off a bit the relationship might take a fairly common course and eventually fizzle out and you will be there to pick up the pieces.
Don't say too many negative things about the relationship
Never say anything negative about the girl.
Later he may begin to have second thoughts and have no idea how to extract himself from the relationship. Don't say ' told you so' Listen to him and help him find kind ways to move on if this happens.
You situation is complicated because he feels there is some 'normality' in his situation because his older brother had a child at a young age. This suits his reasoning at this time but deep down he probably sees that his brothers situation isn't ideal and that his own isn:t really ideal either.
Thank goodness you could see straight away that involving social services wasn't an option. As you said, you weren't thinking straight and just wanted someone to take this situation away from you. That would be the way to push your son further into a relationship with this young woman and alienate him for ever.
If the child:s father isn't on the scene this young woman may be desperate for company and support. It could be that which is driving her relationship with your son or they could be very attached to each other. If she breaks off with him he is likely to be very hurt in this first relationship. You will probably be very relieved if this happens but if it does watch what you say. Just be supportive. Remember that young people sometimes get back together again so you don't want to say anything which might alienate the girl or him.
I would be hoping it just fizzled out op. It may or it may not. If it's for real then you may need a whole lot of different advice going forward 💐

And the Op agrees now .

I get your concern but at 18 he is an adult albeit an immature one which most of them are at that age. I think you need to let him get on with it because whatever you say will not make a difference. At his age I doubt it will last long anyway!

@PlumPuddingPonderer29 I mean its just the case of birds of a feather flock together and pot kettle black isn't it?!

Your first son was having unprotected sex with an older woman when he was very young which resulted in a child.
Now your younger son is with an older woman who already has a child and could potentially having unprotected sex.

Not really sure on the different situation.
I think its a bit much to say your older son is at uni to better his daughters life but that he doesnt come home and see her at weekends? Thats a big disconnect there. Hes choosing to not see his child.

As for your younger son, there isnt really at lot you can do. The little lad now knows your son, so damage is already done.

The time to stop this from happening would have been when they were both younger 🤷‍♀️ prevention is better than cure

The op other son had a child at 17

Why? You can look it up yourself. I will, however, say that it doesn't include people being BORED with each other or no longer 'in love'. So what? Stick it out till the children are adults themselves.

Then split.
People can do what they want but there are always consequences to those actions.

You're being very judgy OP and you are not really in a position to be; everything in this story is an absolutely hot mess.

All I can suggest is that you offer as much possible support to your sons as you can to help them to understand their obligations. Tell your son(s) being involved in a child's life is a massive commitment and being a father figure means he'll have to behave in a very responsible way if this relationship ends.

My father walked out on me. My mum didn't try and keep him away from me. It was his choice. With respect - the worst thing I can think of is "sticking it out". My friends dad was an alcoholic. Another girl from school had parents who hadn't spoken a word to one another in 17 years

Report her? Poor girl! For what exactly? 😂

How can you stop an 18 year old having a relationship?

For taking the child to Edinburgh overnight to see the Ops ex with the OPs son I presume

Right OK. All the evidence suggests that children of single parents fare worse than those whose parents stay together. Particularly boys.
This is not about individual examples, this is about the overall picture.
I'm not going to discuss this any further.

Yeah I bet you aren't.

Yes the other one does. That he never sees and he was a dad at 16!

Well.. no the other son doesn't have a son at all..

He has a daughter

Oh sorry yeah I got the sex of the kid wrong.

Youre right in some respects.
No he shouldnt have met her child this early. No he shouldnt be taking care of her child alone, this early.
Yes, he is very young, but so is she.

Theyre going to make mistakes, which is unfortunate for the child, and is concerning given that these mistakes leave her child open to being extremely vulnerable to a lot of really bad situations should the people she leaves him with not be trustworthy.

I was 20 when i had a 3 year old and met my ex. He met my daughter pretty quickly, and its something i look back at in my 30s and go, what on earth was i thinking?
Anything bad couldve happened. I didnt leave DD with him until 9 or 10 months in but he was around us, in our house from early on. I think I was incredibly fortunate.
He was however a really good influence on her life. He stuck around, and even after we separated 2 years ago, he still views himself as her Dad.

If you have concerns, speak with them.
This will either fall apart or she may be around for a long time with her child.
If shes around and you cant soften to the idea, your relationship with your son will become damaged.