DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

Not introducing your children to a new boyfriend may be a good idea but it's not automatically going to ruin a child's life if their mother does otherwise. At this point trying to extricate him from the situation is going to do more harm than good.

Most children learn from an early age that treasured relationships don't always last. Friends move away. Relatives die. Mum splitting up with her boyfriend is just another part of that, a part of life that children can live with.

Read this again and OP - do you realise that in both stories, you blame the women? Your older son was somehow an innocent young boy at 15 when his girlfriend - living in care, about to age out, probably terrified and lonely - was the adult here? And your adult son now (18 is an adult, like it or not) is somehow being taken advantage of by another 18 year old. If you do the maths she got pregnant at 13 and possibly doesn’t have a lot of family support around either if she’s asking your son to babysit.

Your sons are just as responsible for these situations as these young girls. I think it’s fair enough to be concerned about your younger son, but it sounds bizarre when you shared the story of your older son as clearly you think very differently about responsibilities of men and women here.

Apart from watching her for a hair apt how is he ‘playing Daddy’?!
The little girl probably thinks no more or less of him than any other friend of her Mums, unless you mean the little girl is literally calling him Daddy instead of his given name and he is helping care for her rather than hanging out at their house/being around.
Glad you realise the social services comment was totally inappropriate, I’m sure the little girl is well looked after and hopefully her Mum has a supportive net work. I’m surprised you are being so judgy when it sounds like your other Son fathered a child as a teenager….
If he hasn’t stayed overnight yet and has to travel to see her not actually sure what they have done wrong, young Mums are allowed to have friends too.
Im not at all biased, didn’t have my first chid until I was 30 however if he hasn’t moved in, hasn’t stayed overnight and they aren’t really together every day I don’t know how he’s playing Daddy, he’s just her boyfriend.
Ideally he wouldn’t be at the stage of settling down with someone at the age of 18, but he’s right in that he’s brother fathered a child as a teenager and you’ve no right as an 18 year old to be telling him not to be with someone who is a single parent.

I've actually known almost exactly the same situation in real life.
Only in this case the guy was an unambitious cocklodger wanting to move in with a woman who had a place to live.

So, because of this, I'm going to go against the grain and say him playing daddy may not be a noble thing.

Whilst I agree that your son and his girlfriend are rushing this relationship, especially when it comes to her 4 year old. Maliciously reporting to SS would be beyond wrong for so many reasons, main one being SS have bigger fish to fry than a mum who's introduced her new boyfriend way too early on, unless you have reason to believe your son poses a risk to this child, keep your beak out, obviously go ahead and report if your son is a dangerous person as then that's reason to contact SS but you've not said anything of the sort so I have to assume your sons just a regular person. Yanbu to disapprove internally but Yabvu to consider actioning it in any way.

You dont get to just choose your uni like that. "Oh I want to do a BSC in flower arranging at Kings".

Introducing a child to a new boyfriend is a shit idea regardless of age. I’m judging away - shows piss poor safeguarding concerns. Leaving a child with him is also a shitty decision. I don’t care if he’s at school or university. He presents the biggest risk to the child right now as far as abuse goes. And let’s face it he doesn’t sound very equipped to take care of a child does he ?

I have been in the position of meeting a boyfriends child and playing happy families way too soon and then you break up and you never see them again. It’s a shit thing to do to a little kid.

You want to report the woman to social services for taking a train from Manchester to Edinburgh? With your 18 year old son? And your son had a child when he was 15? Your issue is that your son is in a relationship with someone a few years older who has a child? What else?

You said he was at college in your first post and now he's at school so he's not an adult because he's at school?

It’s not something you can report to SS however.

This

Well thats a massive generalisation and extremely judgemental of you.

Its You that need ,s to read it again the sons girlfriend is 21 and has a child about to turn 4 which would mean she got pregnant at 17 not 13 still far from ideal but not underage.

It's not about brains. The guy I knew who was in almost identical situation to the 18-year-old here was an extremely bright lad his mum, however, decided to split up the family unit when he was 11 as she was no longer satisfied in the marriage.
The husband was not abusive or unfaithful.

Unless there is actual abuse people really should think hard about the impact of depriving their sons of a full time dad before breaking up.
Girls do not tend to have such a negative outcome as boys.

I'd focus on giving him child care advice, his experience will be limited, and what's going to help him and the child the most and prevent things going sour, whether he and the mum split or don't, is him understanding both how to cope with the challenges that children present, and how to form an appropriate relationship - centering on trust, rather than 'love' and emotions, and building closeness and dependency slowly.

Sorry what - so women have to stay in miserable relationships as long as they aren't being abused so that a child has their father around? Some fathers aren't positive role models whether they are separated or not.

Your son sounds like a deadbeat whi needs to make more of an effort to see his own daughter. Worry about that more.

A 15 year old girl isn't a woman, she's a child. And yeah, I dont think children should be having children - I think its a terrible idea and one which typically has poor outcomes. But if a girl chooses to continue the pregnancy I think it's entirely appropriate to point out to her that she'll likely be parenting alone because children make crappy parents.

Seriously is this a joke?
Who in their right mind would be encouraging an 18-year-old boy to stay in this situation?
I admit that given the overall history described here it's probably too late for this lad's life to be good (exceptions exist but not the norm) but encouraging this?

Makes me wish for the return of National Service. Some guys really do require a substitute dad in their lives, sadly.

I know right!!

OP has made me aware that clever educated boys can be really stupid too!

I did need to read it again! All the teenage parents got me confused.

regardless she wasn’t 18 so younger than the OPs son is now. It’s potentially not a great situation for sure but I still think the older son is the issue here.

What makes you think that a father would sort this situation out? National service? So you are basically suggesting that women with young kids shouldn't have relationships? Yes?

Too late for this lads life to be good? Are you being serious? You're suggesting that anyone without a father figure in their life won't have a good one? I had better tell that to my degree educated brother with a full time job.

I think it's difficult, and no-one would be happy about the situation either.Really though what to do.Does he still see friends at all.its most likely that they will split up and yes the little boy will be upset. Sadly as an adult your sons life all you can do is be there if they do split. Not ideal but his life!

Everything else aside, why did he bring his gf's son to your house rather than be with him where he lives?

Especially as it was because the little boy had been ill!

It’s more concerning that she’s left her child alone with a man she’d only known for a few months…

He lives at home by the sounds of it