DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

I was with you up until you said that your other son had already fathered a child at 15/16. Obviously something went quite wrong somewhere for them to both think that it is so normal for teenagers to be running around impregnating/getting pregnant and having children that they are far too young to raise. I know you say you live in a rough area but good grief.

Only on Mumsnet do I see post after post of teenagers having babies.

You already know you’re BU so won’t comment on that. Advice - keep your opinions to yourself. Your DS is an adult and he’s finding his way through adult relationships. Of course you don’t see it that way, you’re his Mum, but that is the reality. Be there for him, give advice only when asked for, and try and find common ground with GF. Anything else isolates DD and encourages him not to confide in you. And don’t blame a rough area/background/other people for the actions of your children. If they’re old enough to do the deed they’re old enough to take responsibility for their own actions

I’d be horrified if this was my only just adult child playing dad to someone else’s child. It’s really not the life an 18 year old should be living. Will he be going to uni soon? Hopefully some distance will split them up. What a nightmare.

The mother of the 4 year old sounds really irresponsible introducing a bf to her child and letting him look after the child alone so soon into the relationship. Poor kid.

I wouldn’t be keeping quiet. We all give our opinions freely in our house and we would be honest with our son that this isn’t a good relationship for him to be in.

lol. He’s 18. Why would she be pleased that her child seem to be playing dad to someone else’s kid when he’s only just become an adult himself. He is also involved with a woman who seems completely irresponsible, willing to leave her child with a man she hardly knows. Proud? Definitely not. I’d be very worried.

Lucky for you that you clearly grew up in a nice area. I grew up in the Welsh valleys and the number of girls in my year who had babies before we left school was definitely into double figures. I assume that you are judging OP’s parenting here. I knew plenty of lovely families whose children had children young or who got into drugs etc. It’s a consequence of living in an area of high poverty.

Only on mumsnet do I see people who’ve clearly lived very sheltered lives!

OP, you can’t do anything here. It’s sad for the child that by introducing so early he’s likely to be very confused in future (if they break up) by men coming and going, as well as being at high risk if he’s left alone with a violent partner. But you can’t control the way she lives her life. I would take a step back and let them carry on, it will either fizzle out or turn into a long term relationship and you can’t influence that.

So your son chose university over his own daughter? Despicable

One who he doesn’t see even though according to op he’ll “always be in her life”.

He should make an effort to see her more, but hopefully he’ll be able to provide a better life with more money by going to university longer term.

@PlumPuddingPonderer29 do you have three sons, or two? I’m a bit confused.

It sounds like your other son(s?) became a dad at a younger age than your son is now, so he’s replicating what he sees around him. Is there a male role model in his life that you can ask to talk with him?

Well it's not just unreasonable, it is completely pointless as she has done nothing wrong. You are being a bit silly I'm afraid.

I’d be worrying about your son that already has a kid and not the one who is an adult who’s girlfriend has a kid.

Im baffled he thought it was acceptable to go away to uni instead of to a local one he could commute to.

Your teen son had sec with an older girl as his mates egged him on then she got preg

obv mates didn’t tell him to use a condom - are your sure baby is his ? DNA test ?

do you see a lot of your grandaughter and support the mum ?

yes in an ideal world as together 3mths the child shouldn’t have even met your son but thy have

I can see your youngest getting her preg so have another chat about contraception

Reporting her to social services is vindictive

Are they being cared for properly

This place is nuts. If a 35+ year old, solvent woman poster hints at her boyfriend, of six months, even being in her children's company, she gets shot down in flames, but teenagers playing house is fine. New boyfriends are bloody dangerous for children under 10, she's put her child at massive risk, so you are right to be concerned. You've had the contraceptive chat, that's all you can do.
However, if the child is brought to your house, you can insist on appropriate childcare. I don't know WWE, but wrestling used to be a family show, because it isn't real. I wouldn't allow a pre school child to be exposed to other, adult games. Keep talking, ask about their plans re days out, make suggestions. You'll get a picture of what her life is like. You can be non critical and interested, without encouraging, as such. She might be what he wants, time will tell. Most of us wouldn't want our 18 year olds making life decisions based on a b/g friend, regardless of the replies you've had. Don't behave in a way that will push him to her place.

It is all well and good saying the grown ups should stay out of it yet when the children have endless issues it is always the grown ups that have to fix it and pick up the pieces, and of course provide childcare for the endless children born in non ideal circumstances..

It would be good if people used their intelligence and stopped using their parents as a crutch and stand by their decisions but sadly the real world is not like that as as usual children end up suffering time and time again or the overun social services

“I imagine it would be very different if it was an 18 yo girl playing mummy”

well, if you want to play the double standards game, I imagine you would feel very differently about a young woman having a child she barely sees because she is at university.

you can’t pull the double standards card when you quite clearly live by it yourself.

I would be heartbroken if my DD was playing step mum to a child at that age and I completely understand your concerns.
It is also way too soon to have introduced a child to your son.

However, there is literally nothing you can do about it.
If you think they’ll separate soon (because that’s your concern for the child) then leave them be.

You and their dad do need to take some accountability for the fact that one didn’t use protection and got someone pregnant so young and now barely a sees the child and the other met his new gfs baby after literally a matter of weeks - neither son is looking great right now.

There is literally nothing you can do.
Even if your DS was a DD, you wouldn’t be able to stop her from seeing him.

There will be a mum saying the same thing about her DD dating your other son who has a child with someone else.

I would be gutted if this was my DD but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I had a child young and whilst my friends were out doing drugs and potentially messing up their lives in other ways, I had my head screwed on and was more sensible and stable that most of the other girls my age.

Do not say anything to your son as this will only have the opposite effect.
Be supportive and be there for him if it all goes wrong.

The fact you raised your child independently from your parents is not something all young people can do, how many grandparents have to have them living with them because children have ''accidents'' it is not fair on grandparents but do children ever think of that when they want to play happy families?

I so completely agree but the danger comes from the male, not so much the female.

If this is what OP is concerned about then she is concerned that her own son will harm the child and therefore thinks SS should be involved.

But I do not actually think OP believes the child is at risk from her son.
She is just disappointed that he’s a stepdad at such a young age and is worried about him being trapped.

It’s hard to be supportive of OP when she has another son with a child and his gfs parents will be thinking the same about him. It’s even worse as he barely sees the child too.

Its contradictory to worry about 1 son’s relationship but not the other, when the other is the 1 with the actual child.

You have bigger problems than your Son's girlfriend. Read back what you've just written before you judge anyone else on their parenting.

What a mess.