DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

okay? Open uni is available, as are other online options

I said it's probably too late for this boy's life too be good.
I stand by that statement.
Exceptions always exist.

The only thing you can do is to support your DS and try to stay close to him. You cannot change his mind and you can't control who he spends his time with. Push him to leave her and you'll push him away. You've asked for advice but there isn't really anything you can do to stop this. It is his life and at 18 he is young but (if not to you) is classed as an adult.

Your mindset is the only thing you can be in control of in this situation. Can you get to know his new gf and her DC? Welcome them and show your DS that you just want him to be happy. It may not be the life you want for him but it's the one he has chosen for now. Don't push him away and don't drive yourself mad trying to get him to stop this relationship. Love him and try to understand his feelings in all this.

If I were you, I would take a step back and stop trying to control the situation or you risk losing him.
Just show him that you're there for him if he needs to talk and while you're not overjoyed about the situation, you support him and are willing to help him with any decisions should he need you to.
As he is only in his first year of uni, this relationship is unlikely to last anyway.

The OP has said her son who has a child is already away at uni just now and rarely sees his child

its not ideal but it’s better than your other son becoming a father at 15 and not seeing much of his child I guess.

You can ban the GF’s kid from your house but that’s it.

BTW how is 18 too young to ‘play daddy’ but 15 is fine to actually become a father ?

He's not at uni. He's doing A levels. Her other son is away at uni

Open university is absolutely great, it really is, however, it's really better for a healthy 18-year-old boy to get out into the world and actually go to university.

You really don't know much about people who grow up in single parent families if your take is that people who grow up without a father don't have a good life. Hugely judgemental comment

Gosh everyone is being so judgemental. Op the situation is not really one that people can off much advice on. Your son has unfortunately met the child and formed a relationship. Perhaps it would be best to offer support instead of being down on him. If he is still with this girl in 5 or 10 years at least you can say you were there for them. Or if by being supportive it fizzled out, as you maybe hope your son will come to you just for support. The way its going just now you're driving him away. As for playing video games when he was looking after her that's not on. But it does seem a case of letting it go without saying anything. I hope you get to see your grandchild. Good luck

Gosh everyone is being so judgemental. Op the situation is not really one that people can off much advice on. Your son has unfortunately met the child and formed a relationship. Perhaps it would be best to offer support instead of being down on him. If he is still with this girl in 5 or 10 years at least you can say you were there for them. Or if by being supportive it fizzled out, as you maybe hope your son will come to you just for support. The way its going just now you're driving him away. As for playing video games when he was looking after her that's not on. But it does seem a case of letting it go without saying anything. I hope you get to see your grandchild. Good luck

@PlumPuddingPonderer29 at 18 I was effectively groomed by a man with 3 kids to 3 different women who all had varying degrees of mental health issues and vulnerability, leaving my ex as the only parent to his children, along side his controlling and enabling mother. I “played mummy” to those kids before getting pregnant with my own child to this man. The kids were much better cared for by me than their father but the reality of my situation was some grown man groomed me and manipulated me into staying because his kids needed me. Once I was pregnant he became dreadful. I think he presumed a baby would trap me. It didn’t. But the reason I say this is once I ended it the kids lost their mum as he refused to let them see me. He made out I was a monster who abandoned them and it wasn’t until many years later that they realised that I myself was still so young. My now adult DC thinks their dad is a “bit noncey” and thats a direct quote.
I am telling you this because I can see you’re desperate for the child involved to not get abandonment issues from your DS who is just swept up in his first romance and is of an age he isn’t likely to commit long term but is probably thinking he is going to because it’s his first relationship. I don’t think you can do anything, my mother couldn’t and I was 18 with a man in his 40s. It must have been hard for her to deal with that. I see your concerns are around safety and the long term implications on the future of this child. I don’t think you’re judging her for being a young mum, it’s simply you know with the experience of age yourself that allowing your son or any man to care for her dc unattended is hugely irresponsible. At 20 we don’t have the life experience of realising how manipulative predators are and we aren’t as cut throat as we are at say 30 about our children’s safety. I ended up a single mum very young and my now husband who has been the greatest stepfather I could have asked for my son would babysit him so I could have a bath and wash my hair or have a little sleep. But I wonder would I have allowed that if I hadn’t have known DH? If he was new friend? And I was so young I didn’t have the foresight to think that someone who seemed to want to help me was actually a danger to my DS. It just wasn’t on my radar as where now I have matured I feel so lucky my DH was trying to get into my pants and not those of my child which doesn't bear thinking about but could have genuinely been the case!
I was and more importantly my son were very lucky that my DH had good intentions. Not all men do as we see time and again in the news when mums get with men who kill and abuse children. I understand they aren’t the concerns you have around your own DS but you have those concerns if the child was left around a predator, who presented as a nice guy.
I don’t know what you can realistically do here, maybe it won’t fizzle out and this won’t end in heartbreak. But I see your concerns and worries as more than judgement of a young mum. I hope that it works out the best way it can for all involved 💐

Why would she not be able to fund her son through uni? Plenty of students get loans. People are assuming that he's away at uni doing his best for his child - the one he rarely sees?

So basically the OP had concerns about her son being introduced to the child too quickly and wanted to report the mum to social services because of this? She had to be reported. Whereas her other son actually got someone pregnant at 15 and the girl was also underage?

If my son was 18 trying to father someone else's child I would be concerned, too. Beyond having conversations around safe sex with him, it'd be a good idea to have a talk with him to highlight how careful he needs to be in forming a close bond with this child, and the kind of impact it could have on this 4yo child if he and his partner were to separate and he were just to leave. Maybe emphasise this is why you didn't introduce your new partners to him and his brothers, but in any case, that shop has already sailed.

I would also be wary that this woman is using him as childcare so she can go and do her own thing. I wouldn't dream of leaving my kids with a boyfriend of 3 months, but maybe that's just because I'm not 18. I think you have very valid concerns in this post but the way you presented it makes it read quite poorly. You've already explained youre not seeking advice regarding your other son, which sounds like a whole other matter, so I won't comment on that. You've also already stated you won't call SS, and I think everybody's glad because that would of been a very awful thing to do.

I think your best course of action here is to just be supportive. I know it isn't what you want, but going against them will just further drive a wedge between you and then you'll have no influence at all. If you're trying to prioritise what is best for this 4 year old, which you should be, you should facilitate the relationship between your son and his gf. Again, highlight the dangers of getting too close to the child in the event of the relationship ending. But other than that he is a legal adult and there is nothing else you can do. If their relationship does come to an end, it will no longer be your concern what happens to that child / any impact your son has had on him.

That being said, you seem quite adamant that this relationship will end. It might, it might not. If it doesn't, and you support them in their relationship, you'll be setting them up the best you can to be good parents to this little boy.

Careful not to overstep any boundaries in such a delicate situation. Try and remain positive, though I know it hard. Be supportive and let them know youre there (without being mistaken for a free babysitter), without being overinvolved. I know youre concerned about your son in all of this but just to reiterate he is a legal adult and there is nothing else you can do.

I hope it all works out!

Yes I know.

I worded it badly.

Seems odd that the little boy wasn't looked after where he lives.

That's usual isn't it?

Perhaps the mother took him to Op's rather than Op's son?

Just musing really!

He’s not exactly “playing daddy”. He basically babysat.

Your other son actually did “play daddy” at 15, which is pretty shocking.

Her other DS does when he was 17. It's on the thread.

You said it, she’s a child! Even worse that you seem to hold her solely responsible. I’ll rephrase - ‘always a females fault, eh’

So you've got one son who's a dead beat dad, and another son who is trying to be a good step day, which is better scenario?

I agree this is all too much too young, but there is much you can do other than buy a lot of condoms, because a pregnancy is coming.

And hardly sees his child

Yes OP’s other son had a child when he was 17. She’s mentioned that in the OP

I agree that it's not ideal and that the child's mother shouldn't be introducing who she's dating to her child so soon. But goodness, your attitude towards your golden child and your other son is a bit staggering. It's not his fault he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend and she got pregnant? And now he's 'doing his best for her' by furthering himself and rarely seeing his child, while his ex-girlfriend is a full time parent? Of course your other son having a child when he was a teenager is relevent. Can't you see how it has likely impacted your 18 year old's views? Whether, in the larger scheme of things, it's normal to have a child young or not, in his family, it is normal. It's also, unfortunately, normal to have something of an absent father.

Other than speaking to him about how a child is significantly more responsibility than he realises, and that you (well, generally the mother) give up your entire life, earning opportunities and career options when you become a parent, there isn't anything you can do. You can say you don't want the child in your house. That's it.

OP I can't see why after having your 15 year old get someone pregnant you would be concerned about your 18 year old being in a relationship with a young Mum with a DC of 4. The child will be at school soon. You might think it is soon for woman to introduce son to your DC but it's her choice not yours. She hasn't done anything to report her to SS about. You need to back off and leave your son's to sort their own relationships. If you want to see DGC more frequently nothing to stop you offering to babysit DGC sometimes.

If she reported the girl to social services - basically for neglect or for introducing her child too quickly to her own son - she's effectively wanting to end the relationship - because I'm sure the girl would know who reported her