DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

[PlumPuddingPonderer29]

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels.

In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4.

He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months.

I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue.

DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me

I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu

Happy to answer any questions

So yes it’s a different situation and not relevant at all so please stop derailing the thread its not about my eldest

It is relevant though, as you and your family have normalised children having babies and it’s seen as acceptable. That is then relevant to suggestions you are asking people to give re your second son’s current situation.

Is this ideal? No. But there’s nothing you can do.

But you absolutely need to stay out of it. Or do you want to drive him away? Drive him closer to being a stepdad / to living with his girlfriend etc?
Because that’s the likely outcome of you trying to oppose this. So make your home an inviting place, don’t make your son feel judged, support his academic endeavours and uni… and stay out of this! (and maybe gently emphasise the importance of using protection. Your older DS might be the better choice for this, however…)

oh, and don’t forget that there’s a slim chance that this relationship is indeed “it” for your DS / that they’ll end up being in a long term relationship. You wouldn’t want to have a bad relationship with our future DIL 🤷‍♀️

Some of the comments on here are just about kicking the Op. Nasty.

In some ways it’s nice that young men aren’t put off by kids and women/girls that have them early.
However I also think there’s not a lot you should be doing here as they do have their own lives and their own mistakes.

Have you talked to them together? I think getting to know the girlfriend, understanding she’ll have given up opportunities to have a child and that your son and her need lives and careers for the sake of the kids ( not more kids and benefits).
No WWE wrestling- wholesome activities only at yours

I don't think there's a lot you can do.
I completely agree with you though. I have an 18 year old ds and the last thing I'd want is him playing 'dad' to a girlfriend's child.
Their immaturity shows because they are clearly unable to recognise how this could impact the 4 year old.

He does though.

OPs other son had a girl at 16.

OP, you sound very judgmental of the young Mum but same issue is acceptable for son.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to be a parent at 16 but you can’t be such a hypocrite.

My two takeaways from your posts, OP:

1. 18 IS an adult
2. your biggest problem here is your other son not bothering to see his daughter at weekends.

Lol anyone getting pregnant by a 15 year old can hardly complain if the result isn't a father of the highest calibre. Even if its another 15 year old.

My BIL.met his wife when he was 19 and she was 18 and she had a 2 year old. Theyre now in their 60s. The 2 year old boy has kids in their late teens and the only dad he's ever known is my BIL. It's a bit different because my nephew looks like the milky bar kid and his dad looks like Seal, but they are definitely father and son.

It’s one thing that his gf has a child, but she seems really irresponsible to leave her child with your son so soon after starting a relationship with him. He is as bad for not seeing that as an issue. Poor child in the middle of that.

Most 18 year old lads wouldn’t be interested in a woman with a child, never mind be willing to look after the child, so I’d be questioning why he wants to. Does he have friends? What is your home life like? Does he have career plans? Plans to see the world? Is he going to uni soon?

Hopefully he’ll come to his senses quickly and realise he doesn’t want to be involved in raising someone else’s child when he’s barely finished being a child himself and that there is more to life.

The thread may not be about your eldest, but it certainly is about your attitude towards other people being young parents.

Glass ceilings and all that.

I think his brother had a child at 17 but is at uni and only sees child Easter/summer/ Christmas

I hope your grandchild has a man who is involved in her life. Honestly amazed that of all the things you have to worry about, your son babysitting his girlfriend’s child is your focus. Yes make sure he has access to contraception and yes to offering suggestions about ways to spend time with a toddler… but the biggest issue here is your deadbeat son. Your younger son will absolutely know that he can impregnate whoever and it won’t necessarily change his life at all. It’s the women left holding the babies. Your older son is the problem here, for everyone.

Do you think he might go to uni and work?

It doesn’t say so in the op?

Do you think all information is in the OP?

I'd say that the OP probably can't fund the son through uni so he most likely works and attends uni. The work would hopefully be towards any CM he pays. The degree will get him a better job in time. It's not ideal but he may be doing what is best for his child in the long term. Paying CM and trying ti get better qualifications for more pay and more flexible work.

Do you think I was judging him? Someone was confused I gave them the facts based on ops account. Op has also said she thinks he should come home more at weekends but she can’t make him though.

@GardeningMummy don’t be ridiculous. Why should the OP’s son not go to university to because he has a daughter?

Of course yanbu. This is not a good situation. Who the hell would think that it is.

Unfortunately, it's just the next thing in a very predictable pattern here.
You say you're a single mum yourself.
Now please, please don't misunderstand me IF your ex was an abusive arsehole then of course you were right to split up the family OR he left you then OK you have my sympathy.

If, however, you were bored or vaguely unhappy and your ex was a decent enough guy with a few flaws then you don't.
You'd have disrupted your sons' lives when they really need a father constantly present.
You're just reaping what you've sown.
There's not much you can do.
He's probably going to get her pregnant.

I'm not going to reply to people that say this sort of thing happens in 'good' families too - of course it does but nowhere near at the same rate.

At age 18 he is likely to get tired of looking after a small child when the novelty wears off, and will break up with her. I wouldn't fuss about it.

If you went down the road from you, you'd probably be able to meet and even help lots of young parents. They exist.

😂😂

So you believe a 15yo girl should assume full responsibility (and is at fault) because a fellow 15yo, but a mere boy, can’t be arsed? Always a woman’s fault, eh!?

He should go

But could go to the closest one. And/or could come back at weekends to see his child.

Id doubt it tbh.