To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

Absolutely, play your cards right and he could be your new house elf. At no point in the discussion should you consider your husband doing some actual parenting, or spending some time with him. As long as he's as invisible to the OP as he is to his parents, the jobs a good 'un.

Teenagers should do chores of course but parents should actually bloody well be there for their kids - that's their side of the contract. Where's any attempt to stimulate, nurture, guide this boy, to help him to mature?

Um teaching teenagers a sense of responsibility is hardly making a bloody house elf. Iv 3 teens and expect them all to pull their weight then they can game as much as they like

Mine loved redecorating their rooms. Picked paint together, showed them how to edge and use roller. Bit of shopping for new rugs and light fittings. It can be hard to connect with teens but doing a joint task helps

Isn’t there a million 16-24 year olds out of work, education or training at the moment?

OP has avoided answering on what SS will do after his GCSEs, but if SS prefers her house to his mum’s, she may well find he’s there long-term.

@Allygat ss his mum has buggered off at one if the most important times of his life I’m not sure his mum’s house is the best place for him.

DSS needs to be concentrating on his GCSEs for the moment, jobs, projects like decorating his room etc can wait until exams are over

They will be over by june

But how would you be the default parent? Your DH is at work until 4.30pm... you are also at work (albeit at home).

Your DSS is 16... he can survive until 4.30pm without parental assistance.

I'm not sure what "defaults" to you?

She hasn't specifically said what his post GCSE plans are but I think she mentioned he's back in September so presumably he's planning on further education?

I know you've said your husband doesn't take time off 'as a rule', but this is quite frankly unacceptable and ridiculous. I think a firm conversation should be had about why he actually needs to be there for his son this time.

As it stands, your DH is an absent father. 50/50 custody is irrelevant as the boy has been looked after by other people during those hours. His son is almost a man now and is listless, disengaged from life and under-socialised. He needs proper care, a relationship with a present father who spends quality time with him and enriches his world. It's bonkers that YOU are the one worrying about how to occupy him while he's at your house!!

It's going to be a really important summer. Presumably it's a bridge between secondary and college/sixth form/apprenticeship, so in the autumn your DSS will have a fresh start to make new friends and discover himself. I think his confidence will be greatly increased by spending time with his dad (even for just a week or two!) where he is given some much needed attention and affection.

Seriously, I would demand that this happens. It's profoundly unfair on your son to be palmed off by his dad all the time and it's extremely unfair on you to be the default parent, especially when your work might suffer.

I'm not denying that but I'm assuming that, as well as getting them to help around the house you gave your teens some of your time and energy? That you are a present part of their lives?

By the sound of it this child has nothing like that. He gets a roof over his head, food and his clothes washed (and 2 of those things seem to be provided by his step mother, who also provides any adult input he gets which isnt much). He's isolated, bored and frankly sounds neglected (not materially but in every other way). And all you're offering is that the little bit of care he is shown should be taken away.

He’s planning on going to sixth form if he gets the grades needed.

@Thechaseison71 I know but he is staying from May, so talk of work etc can wait until end of June. House rules and some chores can be set in motion straight away though

@hackson is sixth form nearer you or mum

Mum.

What reason did you husband give for not taking annual leave?

No reason - he just never does take leave. Never has done!

Well time he did @hackson

It’s ok to be apprehensive about change. It’s his home though and he should be able to be there as much as he wants.

His father should make sure to establish rules about behavior and chores. You shouldn’t end up in the role of servant to a 16 year old or have your work day interrupted.

in out household, from the age of 13, we were firm with our dd that she would not be spending her summer holidays doing nothing. She had to find a formal activity of some kind and chose a volunteer position. This meant driving responsibilities for me, but it was worth the hassle. This summer she will be 17 and has lined up both a part-time job and volunteer work. Thankfully she can drive herself now.

Dad can make sure his son is not feckless. It just requires some effort.

But presumably he's also never had your SS stay the whole summer?

My SS14 is 50/50 also with us. I WFH (as does DH mostly). He takes 2 full weeks off when SS is here every summer, and will take an occasional day here & there to go have a day out together.

SS14 spends a lot of time gaming, but will also go out with a local friend (not from school, from the neighbourhood) or occasionally get the train into the town he lives with his mum to meet school friends (1 train stop 10 mins away). We encourage him to make plans.

He has to clean his own room (no idea why you clean a 16yr olds room), does the odd bit of hoovering or dishwasher emptying when requested, and we also give him paid chores lime power washing or cutting the lawn during the summer while he's off. These chores are paid and then enable him to have money for the cinema etc. But if we hadn't encouraged all these types of things, he'd happily sit gaming or watching TikTok all day everyday.

Your DH needs to encourage him to gain some independence and not waste his summer. Nothing wrong with gaming, but he needs something to get him out the house too.

Do you have a gym in walking distance? Do you have any pets?

Have you never asked him or just accepted he is a crap dad?

Honestly, I don't think it matters that much whether you want him there or not. He doesn't need babysitting so your DH doesn't need to ask you to care for him, and he should have the right to live in his dad's house fulltime if he wanted to.

Hell would freeze over before I limited the time my children could spend at my home. I would never prioritise a partner in this situation. If something happened where your son couldn't/wouldn't stay with his dad in the holidays, would you honestly tell him he wasn't allowed to be in your home more than 50% of the time?

You can't expect your partner to prioritise your wants in this situation. However, you can choose to prioritise your own feelings if you want. You're an adult and can choose to live apart or split up if you're not happy sharing your space.

@Tulipsriver I assume you would take leave, do some actual parenting, not expect step parent to do it

You need to have a proper talk with them both.

It's not acceptable that your DH is not using any leave to be with his kid!
It is not ok for anyone to interrupt you whilst you work!

Start with 'of course you can be here for the whole holidays, it is your house too - but lets get some expectations clear so we all understand one another.

You - DH - need ot use some annual leave to entertain and spend time with your son.
You - DSS - need to leave me alone to work unless a leg falls off (yours, the cats, whatever) or the house is on fire.
Everyone pulls their weight in this household, so that it is a nice place for everyone to be!

@hackson did he never take leave when his relative was looking after DSS. Apart from the holiday you mentioned has he never been on holiday with his son?

well the obvious starting point is that you say to your DH that if you're to entertain this arrangement that he needs to take time off work to be at home with him. At least a week each holiday and more in the summer. If he wont do that then the answers no !

I had a similar-ish situation when DSS was younger (although thankfully never for weeks on end). DH's view was "he's not doing any harm, he's just watching TV, you don't need to do anything" etc, but just having him hanging round the house used to irritate the hell out of me. So whilst DH was right to a point - no, he wasn't doing any harm, I still wondered why on earth he needed to hang round our house under those circumstances. It used to cause a lot of friction.