To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

His mum has been with her partner for around 18 months, and he moved in last year. I think they get on ok.

So is his sibling a baby/toddler?
To be honest I can absolutely understand why he would rather be at his dad’s house .

Again, just from my own experience with DSS14, they find young kids very annoying 😂😂

Not your decision but it is also YOUR house and you are the one at home all week, so surely you can communicate with your husband? I'm not saying it should be set days etc but it certainly isn't in anyone's interests he doesn't see his family for the entire summer at least?

But all in all, I don't see an issue with him being there. It's his home too.

No sibling is 5 (I think!). Mum had them with her ex partner.

So if you tell your dp you don’t want his ds there, you happy with him vetoing your son staying?

Fair enough. However if a new man has moved into his home I couldn’t blame him for wanting to not be there! Presumably the father of the 5 year old lived with them at some point too.

I think he did briefly.

This isn't her son though?

Tbh if my own son was in the house 24)7 it would get in my bloody wick as well

I actually think that’s part of my concern! My son is always out with his friends, he’d drive me mad if he was always under my feet.

He probably feels that your house is a safe space.

I would have some ground rules around you working from home. Do you have an office space or use dining room etc? Just let him know what the rules are (assuming these are same rules your own son obeys) if you’re working at home and he’s home.

Wouldn't bother me, its his house too so doesn't need permission to be there at 16 but I would expect him to keep the noise down while I'm working. No shouting and swearing when gaming or groups of friends wandering through the house.

I guess it's one of those things where you all feel the way and adjust when time comes. As long as partner doesn't allow rubbish habits or behaviour then hopefully get a nice rhythm going together. Hopefully if there's anything bothering him, he'll open up to dad.

It doesn’t sound like he’ll actually be seeing that much of his dad given his working pattern so I presume there are other things he prefers about your house and incentives for him to be there (in his mind). I can see why it’s a bit overwhelming - another person in your home all day while you’re trying to work. I used to wfh and found it easier to concentrate when Dh wasn’t here even though he worked in another room.
However I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, it’s his home too. Maybe set some ground rules but hopefully at 16 he won’t be under your feet too much.

I agree about ground rules. You work from home so you need peace and quiet during working hours. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you do expect the house to yourself some of the time, if that's been your usual set up and your own son recognises that he can't hang around all day when you're working. Maybe explain when you keep time free for calls/really concentrated reading/whatever is relevant to your job? Eg. 'On Monday and Tuesday afternoons I usually expect the house to myself; that's when I'll be on conference calls'.

That could help motivate him to go out and get some more contact with the rest of the world, too? As I agree it sounds a bit lonely if he's usually home frittering his time away.

Just take them both. Then you can leave him to his own devices for the rest of the week. Job done!

My step son is 17 and it’s really not an issue. Aside from the massive amount of food he eats, he’s usually in his room gaming or talking to friends. He does go out with friends though usually weekends. Rules are he keeps his room tidy, puts dirty washing in the basket and helps with drying dishes/unloading dishwasher (not everyday). Unless he’s noisy and likely to disrupt your work I can’t see it being an issue.

So moved in 6/12mths after they met depending when moved in last year

maybe why wants to live at yours ?

need to get a little part job is possible / to not bum around the house /dp to spend time with him after work

I understand your reservations but I think you just have to make him feel welcome and accept that this is his home too. Agree you need good boundaries around WFH, but he’s old enough not to need supervision so you can surely just carry on as you were, albeit with a new person to factor into the routines of family life. It’s nice for your husband and a chance for you and DS to build a stronger bond with him. Poor lad must feel a bit lost, 16 is a tough age.

I agree about getting a part time job or something to get him out of the house occasionally. Being here for weeks on end and never leaving the house feels a bit much.

Poor lad.

Having had 3 men at least, and now this random guy is living with him and his half brother.

Not surprised he wants out tbh

Sorry, it’s not a ‘what do you think’ situation. This is the child’s house too! Imagine being told you were only welcome at home
for a certain amount of time.

You take on this possibility when you marry someone with children.

honestly, step parents enrage the 13 year old girl inside me!! How bloody dare they push a child put of their own home.

The real question is why and how is it too much? You don’t need to look after him, entertain him or feed him. He’ll be doing all that himself and spend most of his time in his room.

Is it the fact that you know he’s there? Is it the fact that you think he should be doing x,y,z and he isn’t? At the end of the day , he’s not your responsibility or problem to fix, so stop making it so.