To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

Right. But he's 16. You say you're working and close the door. It's not like trying to WFH with a toddler / young child.

And what's cleaning and laundry got to do with anything?

Well for the same reason that loads of kids are at their "Mum's house" whilst their mum is at work?

16 year olds need more parenting, not less. It's a difficult time for them as they start navigating the final part of their schooling and move towards adulthood. Online content is a major worry. Some of the outside influences now readily available to boys/ young men is deeply awful.

It sounds like your DH is determined to shirk his parenting responsibilities and offload them onto you. Maybe his mum is of the same mind too.

Your DSS has two parents already. They need to step up and take responsibility for raising their son into adulthood.

As step-parent, you are in an impossible position.

Time to sit down with your DH and ask him why you are being used as the default parent and how he intends to father his own child through this important stage of his development.

He sounds like quite a lonely boy with only one friend who he doesn't see outside of school. It would be incredibly difficult for him to build a rich social life under these circumstances, especially since he has pretty much no support from either parents by the sounds of it (not including OP in this). I feel for him. It can't be easy to have your primary home invaded by step dad after step dad and then when you go to your actual dad, he spends all his time outside of the house.

Sorry - the thread seems to have glitched for me because j couldn’t see all the intervening conversation when I posted!

Definitely the problem is DSS disturbing you when you’re working!

He needs to understand he can’t do this and has to either make plans with friends or do his own thing if he wants to be at yours during the hols when you’re working.

It sounds as though you care about your stepson and in fact you are far more present and hands on than his own dad. There have been some good suggestions about keeping him occupied, but ultimately his dad really should take time off work, even just a day here and there, and spend some time with him. Or he should at least come up with some suggestions to help his son fill his days, rather than buggering off and leaving you to it every single day. That would be relevant even if he was your son, rather than your stepson. I have a son at home who is long term sick and am used to that, but when his older brother (17) is mooching about with his two arms the one length and a bored, grumpy face, I always feel it’s my responsibility to entertain him, even though he’s perfectly capable of entertaining himself!

I think you just have to set the ground rules right away something like: Look, you're very welcome but you must keep out of my way when I'm working. Just pretend I'm not here! I'll gladly pick up with you when I finish work at xx o'clock.

but if the responsibility is going to fall on you, then surely some of the decision making needs to fall on you? I mean you aren't the housekeeper and are being left to parent.

You need to speak up.
Clearly your husband has zero respect for you or your job.
You are there to be skivvy to HIS child.

Start speaking up for yourself.
Why exactly are you with him?

Why is he thrilled if he is never there for his child?
Your job is important and you wfh, so are entitled to peace and not be interrupted constantly.

I saw OP’s update about the only one friend after I posted. It does sound shit and quite concerning. However, none of that is OP’s fault or within her remit/ability to fix. Yet some posters are still determined to make her out to be an evil step mother.

This is what my DS12 is like if he’s not doing something during the hols when working.

It’s like death by 1000 cuts. It’s all tiny interruptions but each one breaks your concentration on work. I try to make sure I’m never in the position of working with him knocking around in the background.

He’s obviously younger and doesn’t have a gang of friends on the same street
like your 10 yo (we don’t live in an area where everyone would known everyone close by). Then the gets bored and tries to make plans with people who aren’t really his friends.

He has ADHD though.

DD at 12 was able to entertain herself in healthy ways so it never bothered me to have her in the house. For example, right now she’s doing a jigsaw in the living room with the news on, whilst DS is just watching tv on his tablet. I’m not working this week though so will go and make him get off it in a minute!

Thank you. I was expecting to be made out to be an evil step mother because I have my own opinion on things. I do really care about him though.

At 16bhe should be doing most of this for himself surely

I don’t think you sound like an evil step mother.

I think the main issue is that your DH doesn’t take any time off work!

Its one thing for the child to be with either Mum or Dad, but when a third party ends up being the parent its a bit galling. I suspect only people who've been in this position will understand the dynamic

To be fair the chatting to him isn’t something he can do himself!

If they live somewhere remote (which sounds possible with the safe street for 10 yos playing out) he might well need lifts. And it’s a bit harsh to tell 16 yos to make all their own meals!

Teens don’t go out as much as they used to… even our local skate park no longer has teens just hanging around like they used to.
Re jobs - there are hardly any available for 16 year olds, or anyone really.
Sports? Not everyone likes sport!!!

Being 16 now is very different from even 10 years ago!

I think the main issue is that your DH doesn’t take any time off work!

The main issue is that neither of his actual parents prioritise him. His father not taking time off work and his mother bringing new partners to live with them.

@hackson before you were with DH how did he manage childcare over holidays etc?

DSS went to one of DH relatives for every school holiday then DH would pick him up on the way home from work.

Gaming is how many teen boys socialise. Even OP’s 10yo may start to be like that when older

But he isn't doing any of the parenting? OP is

I am a step-parent and in exactly the same situation. I said it in my earlier comment.

Your issue is your DP.

the arrangement stays at 50/50 because you need to work, firm boundaries about not being disturbed when working, and dss needs to find things to do as much as possible so that he’s not hanging about or bored. DP needs to take time off to spend with his son and find things for home to do

when the 50/50 thing works for you, you’ll look at increasing it, but right now it’s a no.

Having RTFT I’d agree. SS is welcome half the holidays, plus whatever time DP takes off work.

(Or he can pay for your office space / travel costs to get to the nearest office.)