To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

It’s down to us to get DSS to his exams now. I’ve offered to take him to as many as I can as it’s hard for DP to get out work and travel all that distance to the school. I am really trying!

I wouldn't like it either OP, from my own kids or step kids being there 24/7 not leaving the house. Not sure there is a lot you can do though.

What I would do is as others say, lay ground rules about what chores he will do, get a part time job, gaming is not 24/7 etc. and his dad needs to enforce that.

I would also ensure that he goes to see his mum regularly.

@hackson why is mum not involved during GCSE time?

Also, I would make DP take time off work. If he's agreed to have him there he needs to make sure he spends actual time with him. Otherwise I'd say no.

It's not okay for him to interrupt you while you're working. Can he not go with DP while he works?

Your partner really is determined not to do any parenting!

It sounds like neither his mum nor his dad is willing to give him the parenting he needs and deserves. That's quite sad.

Can you have a heart to heart with your H?

Well he needs friends to chat to not his stepmum. And absolutely nothing wrong with cleaning his room or putting washing in or making himself a sandwich or cook a family meal once a week. And he could cycle places . He will be old enough to drive in under a year

Surely families should have everyone ( who isn't a tint child) pulling their own weight. The OPs own DS is old enough to clean room and make a snack also

She’s on holiday.

So both his parents have ditched him at the most important time of his life?

What’s his plan post-GCSE OP? I don’t think you have answered this?

So to sum up: this is a surplus child who neither of his parents appear to have much time or care for who is being left to drift. His step mother provides basic care but doesnt want to do more than that because really, he's not her problem (only now he is).

@hackson I can see why you feel the way you do but honestly- poor.fucking.kid. Heartbreaking.

Agree with this. The complete lack of interest in him by anyone other than OP is awful. Poor boy ☹️.

Poor child, at one of the most important times of his life

Your step-son's Mum has a 5 year old with a now ex partner who briefly lived in the same house as your step-son. His Mum has a new partner of 18 months, who's recently moved in.

My guess is, that your step-son prefers staying with his Dad because it's consistent, stable and probably calmer. He also has no siblings at your house, other than your son.

It's probably not surprising he wants to stay at yours more. All you can do is set some ground rules and make him feel welcome.

Yep.

An the skivvy aupair step parent is left holding it together.

OP, you are being taken for a complete mug by your husband an his ex.

Its astounding how often this is the case on MN.

Have you asked him not to interrupt you? Presumably he can understand English.

DH is of course thrilled
Of course he is thrilled!
OP is the one who will be doing the extra work but he can take the credit / score the points.

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

You mean he wants his wife to co-parent.

It won't be forever given he is almost 16.
I can understand why you don't want a bored teen underfoot but your DH really needs to sort this out. He needs to take off time to spend with his son and drive him to exams. What does he say when you tell him this?
How about getting DSS to do more chores to keep him busy. He could clean his own room, do laundry and cook the occasional meal.

Yep
You are married to a decent typical man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50 will sniff out a soft-hearted woman who will do all the work for him so he can have an easy life.

My 16 year old stepson hangs out here in the holidays, just prefers it here. His dad isn't always around but he generally just plays on his PS5 and I throw a few snacks in this direction throughout the day. He's no real bother. My own DC used to be more of a hindrance!

Your husband needs to take some time off work during the holiday time. He's not co-parenting his son, he expects you to do it instead. That's not how parenting works, he chose to have a child with his ex, and that means he's 50% responsible. You're feeling overwhelmed because you know you're the default parent, to a child who's Dad, isn't particularly interested in him. As I said previously your step-son has a more consistent, stable home life at yours, than his Mum's, because you are providing that for him. Your husband and his ex aren't.

Your husband may be self-employed but that isn't an automatic pass to opt out of parenting. Most self-employed people, have to put money aside to cover holiday/sickness periods. I can only assume your husband doesn't bother because he knows you'll provide childcare!

Wow - bio mum is massively letting her child down.

@Roosch both mum and dad are

Id sit down with your dh and agree house rules for dss together

Like limiting his gaming per day (may be difficult)
Chores he has to do daily around the house - mine dont get their screen unlocked until chores are done.
Keeps bedroom tidy, puts his own washing away

Could you gat him involves in project like redecorating his room?