To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

Now you know why he married you.
Shit men like him always need a mug asap to do the skivvy work.

Did I mention work?

Ive Just noticed your DP ca t get off work for DS' GCSEs, honestly this is really mean, he should be booking at least mornings to get him there. He also needs to book leave in the hols and take the poor lad camping or something, it seems like hes bothering you as your the only one who is acknowledging him

It's her partners son, she should put herself in his shoes (or even the childs shoes). She can relate as she is already a parent. However, even she wasn't a parent, if you enter a serious relationship with a parent you should be prepared to be a full time step parent if that is required. Sounds like she enjoys only having time have him part time.

I know your WFH, but depending on your job, you could use co working spaces outside of your home.

Have you ever asked your DH what he thought parenting would look like? Did he not anticipate having to make some kind of effort? Ask him. Not in a hostile way obviously but it would be really good for you to understand his attitude towards fatherhood.

Does he understand that his son needs guidance and role-modelling from his father?

Does he use work as an excuse to remove himself from family life and parental responsibility?

Does he think it's not his job to support his son and see that he gets to exams and has an opportunity to talk to his dad one-to-one about what's going on in his life?

I mean, fuck sake, these are just the basics.

I think it a problem that’s easily solved by setting some slightly stricter rules for him, which is totally reasonable if he’s staying for longer stretches.

i.e no disturbing you while you work barring emergencies, has to do his own washing and has to sort his own food apart from dinner and has to make an effort to be getting out the house for a short stretch each day.

From what you’ve described of his mum’s house I can totally understand why he wants to stay with you. It sounds like he’s at the bottom if her list of priorities

Sounds like he's at the bottom of everyone's list of priorities.

He must have loads available to him then.

Not quite. He is self employed. I'm also self employed and there's no holiday allowance. Any holiday is unpaid. I decide when and how much to take (and this can be dependent on my client's requirements).

It is normal to set your pay rate to cover things like holiday, periods between jobs, sickness etc when you're self employed though.

In an ideal world, maybe …..

Yes I know. It's sensible to do so and sensible to take a break. But there's no actual obligation to do so. Quite a number of self employed people don't do so (a rookie mistake) or they may set pay rates to include holidays but don't take the holidays for a number of reasons. One can be down to having to fit in with a deadline of the client that's quite common in some areas of work e.g. theatre, film, construction etc. Others don't take holiday because they are obsessive about their work. Then there are those who are avoiding family responsibilities.

There are plenty of self employed people who have to keep their rates low just to get work.

If his job won't allow him to parent he needs to find another job.

I actually think he feels like he doesn’t need to be at home because DSS is pretty self sufficient.

Does he know that it affects your work?

What job does he do, could he take his son with him?

That's only a fraction of parenting though.
My 14yo SS is self sufficient, my DH still takes some time off to spend quality time with him. Even during Easter or Xmas vacation he'll take one or 2 days off so they can do day trips they enjoy together.

Doesn't have to be every single day given he is self sufficient but a day here and there is important.

I agree. I will be taking annual leave every school holiday until my DS tells me not to!

He's not self sufficient if he's aimlessly walking around the house bored and wasting hours a day just gaming.
His dad needs to show him that's he's important

So his happy that his son spends all his time alone in doors, isolated, bored and aimless? What a prince of a man - how can you even bear to look at him?

I agree.

The order should be the DSS, partner and only if things are desperate OP.

His son would rather be bored and alone at our house than at his mums so I think DH just thinks he’s better off to be here.

You seen really passive about your DH's attitude.
Would you be happy if he tested your sub this way? If in future you can't take every day off the school holidays etc ?
Despite people telling you how awful it is is you just accept it as the way it has to be....why?

Because it makes no difference to your DH. His life doesn't change.