To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

This.

So you do all the cooking, washing, cleaning while your partner never takes a day off?

I'd feel like a right mug.

Tell your partner he needs to sort his shit out and spend some time with his son, plus letting his son just stay at home all day is letting him down and he keeps interrupting you. If he's self employed he can take time off.

This is where you say you're the higher earner too, cherry on top

I think it is totally fair of you to speak to DH and express your concerns - you plan to take time off in the holidays to be with your son, surely DH understands he needs to do the same for his - this may mean working 4 day weeks so that he can take his DS out on Fridays, or taking a week off to take his son away camping etc. Obviously it is going to make you feel awkward if you take your won son out during the hols for 121 quality time and you’ll feel obligated to invite DSS - this intrudes on your parent/child time when DH needs to step up and do equivalent things with his son.

I don’t think you are being out of order to insist your DH and you discuss this and that he plans how HE is going to adjust his work/holiday plans to accommodate his DS in those circumstances.

I completely sympathise as I've been there. My DSS is a gamer and never left the house for days on end. We tried to get him to get a part time job but it never happened. He's at uni now but it used to drive me nuts having to listen to him gaming all day in his bedroom while I was trying to WFH.

It's shit parenting.

If my child gamed and never left the house I'd feel like I'd failed.

@hackson your 10yo may change his ways to be more like DSS as he gets older, so good for him to see ground rules being laid out now

As DP is self employed, tell him to take DSS with him. It will be good experience for him and he will get to spend some quality time with his DS instead of beign a crap father,

I would be very wary of this proposal. His mum needs to have input into it. If the only reason your DSS wants to be living with his dad most of the time is so he can do what he likes, then that's not a good reason. You aren't his mum so you'll never have the ability to influence his behaviour,

in short, his mum needs to make the decision with her ex, and you shouldn't get involved especially if the expectation is that you'll be with your DSS most of the time and your DP is off the hook.

I try and do bits with DSS so he’s not at home on his own all the time. This week I’ve taken 2 days off - one of the days I’m taking both boys out and the other just my son.

Does your DH ever take any time off

You shouldn't have to be giving this so much though, it's your DP who needs to step up and parent his offspring not you!

rid yourself of any misplaced guilt, it's your DP who needs to feel guilty for taking no time off even when he has the chance to be a proper parent, and stop absolving himself of his parental responsibility.

i bet you never signed up to this when you got together with your DP! Goal-posts shifting!

He does not.

If the only reason your DSS wants to be living with his dad most of the time is so he can do what he likes, then that's not a good reason
My guess is that the reason DSS wants to be in his father's house is that his mother has moved another new partner into her house and the DSS is not happy there. He already has a 5 year old half sibling in that house with her previous partner who also lived there.

@hackson do you never go on holiday?

We all went to the Canaries for a week last summer. He took time off then. But as a rule, he doesn’t.

Why though???

He's 16! Why isn't he doing this for himself (cleaning room, laundry and a share of the cooking)?? Ridiculous !! You need to stop, and your dp needs to step up here and parent his son, before he becomes an utterly useless partner to some poor unsuspecting lass in a few years time.

I'm pretty sure that 16-year-olds must remain in some form of education, training, or employment until they turn 18. What does your DH think about his son not doing any of these things? Does he have any qualifications?

Do you not question this stupid set up?

God, this poor kid. What a shit show in his mother's house to start with.

Your DH needs to pull his weight and spend time with his own son.

You would obviously not say this outright as it would negatively impact your responses. It’s implicit within the positive behaviours attributed to your own son:-
Your son has local friends, goes to clubs, isn’t under your feet all day etc
Your stepson stays in the house 24/7, spends his time gaming and is forming inadequate attachment to his sibling by his willingness to be away from home.

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

Does he bother you when he’s at home or does he just amuse himself?
If he doesn’t bother you while you’re working, I’m not too sure what the issue is.
If he is loud or demanding of your time, that’s a different story.

If his Dad is self employed, is it the kind of work where DSS can go to work with him a couple of days a week and help out / get some work experience?

I felt the comparison was needed to show why I don’t struggle to WFH when my own DS is there.

It would be lovely if DH took some time off occasionally to share the load 🤷🏼‍♀️

He gets bored and interrupts me while I’m working.

The pair of you need to lay down some rules prior to agreeing. His life at your place shouldn’t be a cop out, he should have chores to do like everyone else. You aren’t his maid.

You WFH he doesn’t get to disturb you finito!

That’s a line he doesn’t cross and his dad needs to reinforce that.

A calm organised household has routines so set one up for him. If he doesn’t like it he knows what he can do.

But his dad should take some time off work to spend exclusively with him if that’s at all possible to validate dss choosing to spend time at yours.

It appears his mums home has been somewhat unsettling with successive partners coming and going, perhaps you’re a refuge for him.

Could you stretch to a local gym or club membership for him to get him out of the house. Does he have a cycle at your place so he’s mobile?

At that age I was out cycling for hours.