To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

Actually she seems to be married to a workaholic who wants the kudos of his son wanting to live with him but doesn't expect to have to do any of the work involved. So he dumps it all on the OP and his life changes not one iota.

@thepariscrimefiles I think DSS is studying for his GCSEs

Is he coparenting 50/50 though if he never takes time off and at work while he is there? OP spends more time with the kid than the dad is!!

Noooo - I’d knock this idea off immediately - stick to 50/50 - Ss obviously thinks he’ll have an easier life at yours. When will he see his mum??

There may be co-parenting going on but OP appears to be the co parent not his dad, although looks like mum is opting out of parenting round GCSE time

You need to nip that in the bud right now, before this new set up starts/

Could you have a chat with him that you can’t be disturbed between so and so hours, but you’ll be free to have a chat/cuppa with him at lunchtimes?

He sounds lonely and bored. Does he have any friends?

What’s he doing after the summer OP?

In your shoes I’d be concerned he was being moved in by stealth. If you don’t want that, now is the time to make it clear.

How long have you known DH and step son?

What does your DH do for a living? Can he take his DS with him?

Oh, "blended families".
Obviously, everyone to their own.
But, why do people willingly create problems and stress for themselves. Just why?

OP, I’d be really concerned about DSS tbh. It sounds like his mum is a real problem. Moved in a new man she’d known less than a year and now is disappearing from mid-May when her child is starting GCSEs? I’d be worried that DSS has downplayed how he feels about living at his mums.

However, this is mostly DH’s problem to deal with. For a start, he needs to cut back his hours a bit over the exam period so he can be around for moral support and to check DSS is studying. During the actual holidays he should be taking DSS to work a couple of days each week. And he needs to take actual time off to do fun things too. His son needs him around.

Maybe because his mates are 45min away? Which also probably makes having a part time job quite difficult if you think about it. 🤔

So he’s opting to check out of real life by loafing around gaming at OP’s.

Most teens in blended families pick a ‘base’ and that’s usually the one that’s closest to their friends, so they can go out and see people and get a local job.

In OP’s shoes I’d be worried that this was the start of SS moving in and treating it as a dosshouse whilst he games and has no responsibilities. It’s not healthy for him.

He has one friend that I know of but doesn’t seem him outside of school.

Do you think his mum has told him he is “not doing nothing all summer” or the new partner has? so he has decided to come to you instead? I wouldn’t want him in the house 24/7 either step parent or not. I think perhaps his dad should chat to him about a part time job or some sort of hobby/activity that will get him out and meeting people.

Are there also no trains, buses, cycling, meeting places half way, and occasionally lifts/taxis?

Have you told your husband that if he wants this new arrangement then he needs to step up and take some time off to spend with his son?

Or the other alternative would be that his mum actually does give a shit and he doesn’t like that and prefers the “lax” dad(by OP’s own admission). Mum expects and checks revision, studying, chores , doing something other than festering in his bedroom all day gaming. Dad is always at work , when he isn’t, if the kid doesn’t leave his room that’s fine with him and is more lax with rules.

What is there to be nervous about?!

I have DSC (14) and when it's holidays and she's at ours, I WFH and she generally just chills in her room, goes and watches TV in the lounge, makes herself some food... When I have lunch / a break I go and check she's ok and have a chat with her. And that's about it.

I really, really cannot see what the issue is at all.

I think youre getting a hard time OP, you sound genuinely concerned about a lad who doesn't seem to have a friend or family network outside gaming. I dont think sitting on his phone for months will help him no matter where he stays

Indeed. Nothing OP has written suggests that DH wants to co-parent 50/50. Rather, he wants OP to do it.

OP the actual issue here appears to be DSS mithering you when you're working. That's what needs to be discussed with DH. Why exactly can he not take any time off?

OP already said that he constantly interrupts her during the working day. She also does the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc for him.

I think you have to say that’s fine and just carry on as you usually do. Perhaps suggest DH take some time off to spend with his son, but really a 16 yo shouldn’t need much from you.

I would carry on as usual and (hard as this might be) carry on with what you usually do as before. I’d include him in any meals you’re making for you and your son, but you don’t need to do separate meals at other times.

I have a 17 yo (plus an 12 yo and also share holidays with their dad) and basically at 16/17 they can be where they want to be.

I get this OP. In your shoes, I wouldn't want him hanging round the house all day, and I'm never sure why step children need to be at their Dad's house when their Dad isn't around, although I realise this is an unpopular view.