To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

Go out of the house and leave him to it! You don’t need to do a single thing for him.

Go out of of the house?
She's clearly said she WFH...

I think if your Dh has agreed to this he needs to put strict rules in place. He cannot be wandering into your workspace and disrupting your work.
I'd get a wedge or lock for the office door at home and use it.
I wonder if his Mum is having him watch the younger child when he's with them and he's fed up of being the babysitter, or doesn't get on as much as you think with the new man in the house.
If he's a generally nice teen and is polite and you like his company, then I'd be fine with it so ling as he sticks to the rules, or gets a summer job.

Does his mum let him stay in his room gaming all day. Perhaps his parents need to communicate. Hes maybe thinking life at dad's is going to be so much easier. If you're wfh and Dss turns into the teenager from hell, its you who will be left to deal with it. Ground rules and expectations need to be set. Good luck

I'd say it is fine for him to be there, but he can't keep coming in to where you are working.

On the days you take off to go places with your son, take him along too. If you're cooking or making lunch for yourself, and your son, then include him in that. If you're not, he can cook for himself.

Talk to his dad about a gym or leisure centre membership for him, and a bus pass or whatever.

I don't think that poster was implying you are a monster, but I think it's natural to feel some residual anger at these situations if you've been there yourself as a child. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - surely having him for six weeks rather than three would not be an issue if he were out of the house more? So in my opinion your attitude shouldn't be "he can't come for that long," it should be, "of course he can come, and he follows the house rules which include a summer job/project/volunteering/sports" etc.

It’ll be mid May to early September as mum is no longer ‘around’ for his GCSE’s.

Absolutely this.

The op’s own DS is not a problem, her DSS on the other hand is a deadbeat hanging round the house all day.

No empathy for the fact that he’s been displaced in his mum’s house and resented in hers. Poor sod.

I completely agree that if he actually left the house on occasion it would take the pressure off me. It’s not necessarily him being at ours for longer that is the issue!

Could you point me to the part where I’ve said he’s a dead beat or where I’ve said I resent him?

His dad is more laid back because he is not actually parenting most of the time. No wonder his dad is thrilled at having his son more. It barely impacts him!

No he doesn’t take any time off during the school holidays.

@hackson when does he parent? What did he do before you came on the scene?

I wfh and it is much easier in an empty house. But my teen will be here over summer I just have to accept that. I do go into office an extra day but otherwise it is their home too so not much I can do about it. If it was a step child I would be even more careful they didnt feel unwelcome or that it wasnt their home.

I help with job applications, pay gym membership, insist they get some fresh air and tidy up after themselves

What is DP's self employment? If he's an electrician etc I would expect him to take DSS (or actually my own DS!) on as a summer apprentice, it will give him a boost into the working world and make him more employable in a tough market and so good for a lad who seems to be suffering a bit with self esteem/not having a purpose.

You don't need to suck this up. Your partner does.

I cook his dinner every day, do his washing, clean his room, help him with school work, chat to him, give him lifts if required, am the default parent for half the holidays

Why isn't your lazy partner doing this? Working is no excuse. Plenty of parents work and do all this for their children.

I would never want him to feel unwelcome, but I will admit that I am nervous about being the default parent for months at a time when DH is always at work and I WFH.

So your partner has lumbered this all onto you? I don't know how these men are so successful at palming off basic parenting of their own children.

Why on earth doesn't his dad take time off to be with his son?

@hackson what do you mean his mum is no longer around for his GCSEs. Assume upto and including GCSEs he will be revising. What are his plans post GCSEs, college etc?

I think DH needs to speak to DSS mum. You say he likes being at yours because of his dad being more laid back than his mum, and that dad isnt even going to be around most of each day.

I would guess there is a high chance DSS is choosing the option of unlimited gaming time, potentially eating junk, and no chores over still being parented a bit.

Get DH to find out what rules mum has, if they seem reasonable then have a conversation with DSS about how if he is with you full time then he will need to have more responsibilities like at his mums and not spending all day gaming as its not good for him.
If she seems unreasonably strict then DH needs to suggest meeting in the middle with the rules, explain that he doesnt want her to always be the "strict parent" whilst hes the "fun parent" and that he wants DS to want to spend time with both so a compromise where there is the same rules seems ideal and then DS wont have any incentive to avoid being at mums because of it being more strict.

Are there any additonal factors like a stepdad or siblings he really doesnt get along with at mums to consider?

Could you suggest stuff to do in a positive way to DSS & DP - 'it's great that DSS is staying, looking forward to it but don't want him to be bored whilst we are both working- how about DP gets him a summer gym membership or helps find a part-time job, would be great for confidence/CV/pocket money'

Plus I's be putting together a summer chore rota for everyone - regular cooking/laundry duties for both boys, maybe get DSS doing the garden for pocket money

If you can afford it DH should take some time off work to be around for DSS

I think you should consider changing your mindset. You married someone with a child, that child wants to come to your house more. Yes you do have to suck it up and stop seeing him as an inconvenience, poor lad.

See it as an opportunity to build a more grown up relationship with him - ‘You’re always welcome here, we’re more than happy that you stay over summer. You’re old enough now to live by the house rules though which are……’.

Well this is a different problem. Of course your SS can live in your home, but the same rules would apply to him as they would to your own child at 16. No wandering into your office (very firm rule here), you shouldn't be cleaning up after him (my kids clean their own rooms and they're much younger), etc. My daughter is 13 and can cook dinner for the family now and again (she likes doing that in the school holidays).

Good lesson here too about helping your 10 year old get more self-sufficient and help out in the house more now so at 16 it won't be a shock to him too.