To be unsure of new DSS set up

[hackson]

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

Currently in the holidays when i work from home DSS is clearly bored and constantly wanders in to the room where I’m working. Him leaving the house and doing something - going to the gym, getting a part time job, for whatever reason, I think would help alleviate some of that boredom.

Ah so there is a clear issue. This is where you tell your DH, and him that no interruptions are allowed. You are working. You tell DH to give him money to go out with friends and find/organise for him to do since DSS isn’t proactive enough. You and your office are off limits during working hours. If DH won’t agree with that and support you , then indeed you do have a problem.

Also , I apologise , it wasn’t clear from the previous posts what the actual issue was as you made it sound like you never see him as he’s always in his room.

I was expecting one of these comments.

I cook his dinner every day, do his washing, clean his room, help him with school work, chat to him, give him lifts if required, am the default parent for half the holidays… But because I’m a step parent I’m not allowed to have concerns that being with us for 6 weeks, rather than 3 every summer holiday for example may impact me more than it does now? Yes he is fairly self sufficient, but I am still the only adult at home for the entire duration, I WFH full time, and he is quite clearly bored when he is here (despite choosing to be here). Right now I am interrupted fairly regularly during the working day which on occasion can be a real issue (if I have meetings or deadlines). But I just need to suck that up, right?!

You were expecting someone to disagree with you? Isnt mumsnet for a range of opinons? I would stop doing his washing and tidying his room for starters and i presume you cook for and talk to everyone in the house

Well..yes 🤷🏻‍♀️
be with someone with a kid and at some point they may become a full time household member.
yes, wfh and all that but that’s just normal family shit to sort out. It’s a change but it’s all part of family life

Buy him a gym membership then? Just shut your office door and let him get on with his day. He’s 16 he doesn’t need a babysitter, he wants to be at his house and chill in it, I really don’t see the problem.

I was expecting someone to imply that I am a monster just because I’m a step parent. It’s fine to disagree with me, of course 😊

You don’t need to suck it up. Between you and your partner you need to lay clear ground rules about what is/isn’t acceptable for DSS to be doing whilst you’re working. In the same way you would when your own child is 16. What you can’t do is refuse to have him full time in the holidays because it doesn’t suit you. That’s not how parenting works (step or otherwise).

If you think he needs to get out of the house for his well being then his Dad should be taking some annual leave to encourage that. If DSS doesn’t have a friend network that go out during the day to play football or whatever then can’t just decide to throw him out during the day to wander around on his own.

I can see it’s a stressful change for you. But although they look like young men, 16 year olds are still children and need taking care of as such.

His dad should buy him a gym membership.

Can he do some work experience with his dad?

No more washing needed or tidying needed by you whilst working FT.

Leave chores to be done daily, for just DSS when he’s alone and both the boys when they are there.

He can cook some dinners.

Less chance of him disturbing you if you give him a purpose.

you know you have to suck it up as he’s DH son but you’re in human in worrying about how a big change will affect you.

You need a house rule that he does not come into your workspace during your working hours. How do you manage your own DS? Set a lunchbreak or coffeebreak times but apart from that you are on Do Not Disturb unless emergencies. If your schedule changes because of meeting times etc. stick your availability times on a whiteboard.

And he can clean his own room and sort dinner once a week. (It might not taste very nice at first but practice makes perfect)

You feel awkward about having him in the house, maybe that’s what he feels like with mum’s new partner. I feel sorry for him. Just wants some stability in his life

There need to be house rules, so no disturbing you when working (unless emergency) but assume same applies for your son. Give him list of chores, build on his independence.

I think you are getting a hard time due to being step mum

I assume when your son is same age you will expect him to get a job and not mope in school holidays

wfh - means don’t disturb unless life is death. Needs to be told by both you and dh that where you work is out of bounds while door is shut

how do you cope wfh when 10 son is off ? Assume you also tell him not to disturb you

This isn’t about him being there it’s about boundaries. Tell him he can’t interrupt you. Agree a lunch time you’ll come out if he wants to chat.
My 12 year old understands this.
And DH should sit down with him and discuss how he can spend his time - gym is a great idea. Our local leisure centres are quite cheap for teens.

@Blondeshavemorefun might be tricky getting a job when parents live a distance apart

I think you need a family meeting. We had these, we called them table talks. Everyone should know it is happening beforehand so they know what they want to say. This is about expectations.

Your expectations should be that you are not disturbed whilst you are working. Relate it to school, imagine your teacher being interrupted mid lesson, it is the same for you. We used to say unless the house is on fire or you have lost a limb, it can wait. Children are used to instant gratification which is probably why he wanders in.

You will however be available at lunch time, your DSS should be expected to make some of those lunches for whoever is home, you, your son etc. Menu plan together for this, help him feel included and not treated like a very young child.

Maybe at lunch you could watch something together, gives you something to talk about and you spend time together.

Lots of children don't meet up in person. If you are gaming then each person is at their own house, online and they chat over headsets. Better that than having 5 adult sized deep voiced teens in your house whilst you are working.

Your other expectation might be that your Dh takes time off to spend with his son too, a few days out together.

Not RTFT

but could he be encouraged to get a job?

Is he in year 11 or Sixth Form? Where is that? Is he likely to decide to move in full-time, and if so, how would you feel about that?

I strongly suspect he’s not a fan of the new stepdad, has more rules at mum’s house, and prefers loafing around at your house to being told to get out of bed and stop gaming.

I wouldn’t like it either. Would your partner agree to some kind of enforced ‘job’ for him over those weeks, either volunteering or repainting or garden work?

Does he want to be at yours as there’s a baby at his mums house that he wants space from, or does he want to be at yours so that you will entertain him/drive him places/provide him with expensive snacks for 6 weeks/not make him wash up after himself?

My views would depends on that answers. His dad needs to be having a serious conversation with him about your wants and needs as well. You can’t be WFH and interrupted all day just so that his dad can feel pleased his son wants to stay there (when he’s not having to be interrupted at all).

if you’re feeding him for the whole holiday, where’s the child benefit going-if applicable?

If he’s anything like both of mine were at that age there will need to be serious conversations/warnings about noise levels while he’s gaming and you’re trying to work.

You need to make this clear now, OP, before you’re sprinting upstairs in a meeting break threatening him with dire consequences if he doesn’t stop shouting. I speak from experience.

But surely that'd need to happen whether he is there 3 weeks or 6 weeks?

@hackson , it will be a lot more that 6 weeks if he's 16, won't it? He'll finish his exams in mid June and be off until September.

As his mother has moved her third (at least) bloke in his home, I can understand why he wants to move to his dad's house. We see endless threads on here about problems with new blokes and teenage boys.

That would be difficult if his mates, network, contacts etc are all 40 minutes away.

I understand where the OP is coming from. Her workplace is her home and she shouldn't have to think about entertaining a 16 year old. She already does a lot for him - more than I did for my own kids when they were at home 😬! OP why not put this on his dad to find ways to keep him occupied?

Can you give him a project to work on - plant a veg garden or decorate a room? Any boot camps he can attend - our local sports centre runs a number of week long sessions in the school holidays. Young driver lessons? Or if there is a large employer in the area there might be summer jobs.

This is a great opportunity to deepen his relationship with his dad and teenage boys so need that support. But it shouldn't be your problem to solve.

Does his dad take no time off at all during the school holidays? That's not really OK if that's the case. His kid might be 16 but he's clearly not ready to just be left to his own devices if all he does is games.