AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

Can you offer to pay for WLIs for her? Seems to be the only way ppl can lose weight these days.

OK... So I meant to report back earlier but didn't find time. 60% of mumsnetters thought she'd be better off if I said something so I went for it. We spoke about it late in the week using the subtle opening someone suggested above.

The good news is she quite openly acknowledged the issue, didn't shut down the conversation. So initially I was very encouraged. In fact I thought the problem was solved, on the basis that I think admitting the problem is 90% of the solution.

The results were:

WLI: No. But not totally opposed in the future.
Me shopping and cooking: No. (That's me being controlling.)
No snacks in the house: No. (That's me being controlling.)
The idea that we would police each other's calorie intake to some degree: Yes!

So on the face of it that's a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand the topic appears to be no longer verboten which I find hugely encouraging. On the other hand the things that would make things most easy are rejected. Also despite agreeing to help police each other's calories she's offered me Crisps and chocolate more than once. 😡

I'm actually pretty encouraged.

Time will tell. I really appreciate the helpful comments on here.

Yes.

I'd never heard of WLI until I started this thread. If her doc gave it the thumbs up I'd be happy to fund it. None of the side effects seem anywhere near as bad as the consequences of living with obesity.

TBH, I can't think of a better incentive to weight loss than the goal of quitting the injections.

Does your wife use MN? You could point her in the direction of the WLI board to find out more. Lots of people don't have side effects and the jabs don't hurt or anything. For me the only downside is the cost but I spend less on food and the health benefits are so worth it.

That's way beyond what I achieved, well done.

When I was a student I had a summer job delivering sacks of flour. Each sack was 5 stone. To prove you were a hero you sometimes carried two.

So getting rid of 7 stone means your skeleton is no longer bearing 24/7 an amount of weight that a strong, 6ft2 20 year old considered a man test over a short carry. That's before considering how hard your heart etc was working.

Respect.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife

The good news is she quite openly acknowledged the issue, didn't shut down the conversation. So initially I was very encouraged. In fact I thought the problem was solved, on the basis that I think admitting the problem is 90% of the solution.

Oh, if only that were true.

What was the issue she openly acknowledged? Was it her weight and the impact it is having/will have on her health? Or is it that she has an issue with controlling what she eats.

Different problems need different solutions.

Also - even when you have correctly defined the problem, that doesn’t mean that you automatically know what the solution is. Or that the solution will be easy to implement.

From age 9 (when my parents first made a comment about my “puppy fat”), I thought the problem was my weight. So I tried the “solution” to weight problems, which is some version of: eat less, move more.

In my early 30’s, I had an epiphany, and realised that the way I ate was abnormal, dysfunctional, however you want to describe it. It explained why I could only stick to “eat less, move more” for so long before I lost control and ate all the food. My understanding of the problem changed. Still took me 30 years to find a solution for the actual problem.

Now even if your wife doesn’t have dysfunctional eating patterns, something has prevented her thus far from doing “eat less, move more” with enough consistency to fix her weight.

All I’m saying is, that even with the subject open for discussion, it may not all be plain sailing from here on.

Yep I see that, and as you can tell from my post I'm far from completely reassured.

However if the topic is not closed I can find out more.

Ahhh, and I forgot to add the biggest win. Someone suggested suggesting walks. I've done that three times and every time she's said yes which has meant several hours on her feet and off the sofa. (Sadly each time prevented me doing things I wanted to do but 🤷‍♂️.)

Well done OP, for talking to her. You may have been a little blunt with her in the past but I guess that's just your way.

You obviously care about her. It's good that you are actively trying to help. Walking together - way to go!

Keep it up OP and wife!

I was fat. I just didn’t see it at the time and I truly beleive if I hadn’t just split with dh and thought I had to be a better healthier mum as only me now to look after her - that’s I wouldn’t have lost the weight

I honestly don’t know how I used to walk dd to school at 17s - dd weighs just over 3.5s so I’ve lost 2 of her but no way I could walk carrying 2 of her - yet I did with the extra weight - I struggle with one of her

be there to support your wife. But yes like with your doctor and mine , sometimes cold hard facts help and yes the truth hurts

How is you shopping and cooking being controlling

what does she eat

can you both meal plan together

you can make healthier options of classic like lasagne or shep pie

and maybe shop together

Me shopping and cooking: No. (That's me being controlling.)

I think someone else suggested something like this upthread but I can't find it now... the solution to this is to do the shopping and cooking half the time. Say, week on, week off. No one can argue that's controlling on either side.

Then you can make it that everyone is eating healthily at least half the time, and your DW might also start to get used to you doing it more and you can progress to doing it more than half the time.

But also...if you have never done this regularly for the family, you'll see what a thankless chore it is and start to gain perspective about what your DW does for the family, so win win all round.

Re the cooking, maybe suggest you could do a few main meals each week so it is not all on her shoulders. You could research some healthy but delicious recipes and lead by example. Although I realise it is often the snacking and not the meals that is the issue but it is part of it. My DH makes me a big pan of spicy lentil soup each weekend and I have a portion every day for my packed lunch at work. On the day he makes it, he bakes a fresh loaf of bread to have with it( as it is our main meals) but for lunch I do not have/ need any bread.
So... maybe, rather than making it look like you want to control her eating, make it about wanting to reduce the burden on her and see what happens

Doesn't matter how they look - the sugar and processed food is causing havoc on their bodies.

If you care about their health and your wife does too, stop buying poison for them to have every day!!