AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

OP you're not coming across well on this thread at all. I would dearly love to hear your wife's side of this. I'm picturing someone who is size 18 at most, doing her best to juggle everything in life, and who's meeting her mates for a chippy tea on the evenings she tells her twat of a DH that she's off to WW. Rooting for you MrsHelpMe!

I notice you're saying distasteful and offensive rather than incorrect.

I'm going to leave it up because it does me a lot of good to deny myself all the false excuses we use to damage ourselves with overeating. I might not be the only one who needs to hear it.

Obesity rates in other eras were lower because the conditions were extremely different. So for 1960s UK, it's a roughly 50% smoking rate. For much of human history, it's the ever present threat of starvation, including situations where it was deliberately inflicted on people out of sheer wickedness.

You are not going to replicate these in 2026, so there's not a great deal of point ruminating on whether someone who's obese now would be so in a totally different environment. Because we're in this one.

What would the other side of this be? She's perfectly mobile, she isn't suffering any joint pain? I'd love you to convince me there's nothing to worry about. Can I safely bin the neurofen?

Depending on height a size 18 is morbidly obese. Why are you rooting for someone going for chippies who has health issues relating to obesity and has young kids? Very strange how normalised we make food addiction but not alcohol or nicotine addiction

Education = it’s always harder for women

This is horrible. This woman is suffering health issues, why would you want her to be gorging on fatty caloric food and lying about dieting.

You've got it deleted. 🤦‍♂️

"If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through!"

Appallingly ignorant and insensitive. You’re fine with being offensive and distasteful?

I’m inclined to agree with @CallingOnTheMegaphone. Has it occurred to you your DP’s comfort eating is due to unhappiness in her relationship?

You're not helping here @HelpMeHelpMyWife We all know the facts, your wife will know the facts for goodness sake. Knowing and being able to effectively implement, and want to effectively implement are very different things.

You sound like you have a lot of contempt for your wife, tbh.

Yeah, and it doesn't really matter if it's harder or not. The consequences are the same.

You sound like you have a lot of contempt for your wife, tbh.

If that were true why would I wade into the mumsnet lions den looking for ways to stop her self destructing?

@HelpMeHelpMyWife great to hear that you don't hold your wife in contempt and simply want to help her. Hopefully you understand now that she won't be ignorant of the facts of weight loss, and that the issue is around wanting to change and being able to effectively implement change. How do you think you could help with those two issues, given what you've read here on this thread?

Op, you have a double whammy of talking about weight and being male.

You are perfectly reasonable to want to address this and I certainly would, if my DH was getting obese.

There have been some good suggestions amongst the ridiculous, and I hope you find something that works.

My own over eating was because I really liked food and drink. The root cause of that was never solved. I still managed.

OP you ignored my question upthread about your wife’s time for herself/chore distribution and I wonder if you don’t think it’s relevant?

The reason I asked is because I’m overweight, do want to lose weight as I want to be able to cycle/walk/not have joint pain etc. I know I overate because I was stuck on an absolute hamster wheel of caring for kid, caring for my elderly parents, stressful job, then all the usual drudgery of cleaning/cooking/admin etc etc. Frankly some cake was one of the only highlights in my day because sadly in the food environment we live in that is very easily accessed. Much easier than planning a run, or planning a filling protein filled salad for lunch.

Making changes take time and headspace and you could potentially do a huge amount in giving your wife that time. Or just asking her how she feels generally. If she has got pain that she’s going to the doctors for - that again brings you down. I really would have an honest think about how much time there is in your wife’s schedule and how she feeling emotionally.

Thanks, there have been a couple of superb suggestions amongst the noise. Maybe things aren't so bleak for her.

If the household is in a position to afford long term ongoing WLIs, statistically that would be the most effective option. Pissing away money on Weight Watchers is not likely to achieve anything!

Over half the adult population are overweight and so we can assume that many of the posters are possibly overweight or have food issues.Someone mentioned fat people in the 1970’s, I was there and they were pretty rare. So you will have been hitting nerves. Plus as a man your assumption is correct about the lions den, though I have seen planety of critical posts that receive support over fat husbands.

All I see is concern plus she will be able to do less as it sounds as if she is also unfit.

A future with an unfit and unwell partner who has done it to themself that limits life for everyone is frustrating. If it’s at the stage she is in pain then it’s getting there.

You can't personally do anything about it though. Just carry on maintaining your own health and fitness and if you want to do things in the future that she is incapable of well it wouldn’t be stopping me.

Except it is. You make small changes to your diet. I’m not suggesting 5 gum trips and 4 runs a week. Just cut out some biscuits and crisps or a bit less alcohol.

The problem with men saying it's easy to lose weight is often they can cut back calories to an acceptable level to lose, say a 500cal deficit and still have enough to eat.

If you are a shorter woman, cutting down calories takes daily food intake to a point where it's frankly miserable. I have to be perfect with compliance to lose weight, no margin for error at all.

Climb over a fence?
Why would someone need to climb over a fence? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, haven't tried to.
Strange measure of being abled bodied.

Are you looking for a way out?
That's my suspicion anyway, your irration is a bit much, as is your willingness to involve your child.
Why? Are you looking for a way to blame your wife and get everyone on your side when you leave her?
I did everything to help her!

This is a terrible idea IMO unless your wife is incredibly thick which I assume she isn't. She's been going for years and hasn't lost a jot so how is she doing fab? It would be completely obvious that you're being disingenuous and might well put her back up more.

I also think it's a terrible idea to get your daughter involved. This is not her problem to solve or take any responsibility for. She should not have this on her shoulders.

What you should do IMO opinion is try coming from an 'I wish I'd been aware of weight loss injections when I was trying to lose weight, it sounds like it would have made things much easier for me' point of view. You can then find out her opinion on whether they'd have been a good idea for you to see whether she'd consider them for herself.

Ignore all the people on here saying it's probably 'her genetics' and all the rest of it. People really struggle to accept that most people just need to eat a lot less than they actually do.

It may help to ask yourself why you’ve side-stepped my question about your DP.

And instead talked about yourself.

Do you feel you work at being empathetic, sensitive, thoughtful and kind?

The Sergeant Wilson character you suggest you are upthread would never have make the crass comment you did above and certainly wouldn’t double down on it. Even Captain Mainwaring would find it beyond the pale.

Repeating my post from
last night. If you are serious about helping your wife rather than criticising her then can you answer these questions? Bleating on about healthy food and exercise is completely missing the point