AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

@Violese

The delusion is really damaging, and we’re all supposed to pretend fat people aren’t fat because it might hurt their feeling. See the nonsense that comes out when someone says a BMI of over 25 is fat. ‘Oh but I’m big boned’, ‘oh but I could be an Olympic weightlifter’ etc etc. People kid themselves so much, society backs them up and they end up thinking they’re not fat when they are.

I don’t think it’s about pretending people are not fat when they are, or denying the potential practical and health consequences. Although I agree that “society has lost sight of what overweight looks like, and there are plenty of people who don’t think they are overweight when then are, and plenty of others agreeing with them.

Rather than pretending people are not fat when they are, I think it’s about believing two things:

1. that losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off is extremely difficult and requires sustained effort. Only the person concerned can make that effort, no matter how much others might urge them to do it. And urging them when they are not ready is likely to be counterproductive.

2. That if the person concerned is not losing weight, then it’s either because they don’t want to (unlikely, IMO) or that they have tried and failed so many times they are utterly demoralised and giving up hope that it can ever be possible. In that situation, when someone else says your weight is a problem how about trying to lose some, it is perfectly understandable that they feel got at rather than supported, at least I did. Especially when you put it in the broader societal view on weight (especially for women), which actually has very little to do with health, and everything to do with a woman’s duty to conform to the beauty ideal.

Why is losing a significant amount of weight and keeping it off so difficult, and why is it so easy and so common to gain excess weight. There are multiple factors, but it comes down to a mismatch between our genetics and our environment. We evolved to seek food high In fat and sugar, and to consume it whenever it was available and lay down fat. We are very good at this, though there is obviously variation in how good.

But we evolved that capacity when food was often scarce, unprocessed, and required effort to get. Whereas now food is abundant, requires minimal effort or cost, and is highly processed and highly palatable. Those last two combine to make effectively addictive for many people. A recipe for disaster, and expecting personal willpower to withstand it is unrealistic for the vast majority,

To be fair I gained a lot of weight , went from a 10 to a 16, took me about 4 years, I say 16. But it was really an 18. And I didn’t see it.i knew I’d gained bur didn’t realise how fat I was, until I got a blood pressure issue and sleep apnea and went on wli for my health. It was standing on the scales and taking a picture of my body I realised how bad it was.

i kept telling myself it was just bad pics or the ring door bell was wrong before.

now I’m back to an 8, bmi 20, fully healthy. But because it’s not like you wake up fat and were slim the day before, you find your brain does not really catch up. So although I knew deep down, I was deluded to an extent of how bad it was, and thought wearing black stretchy stuff hid it. It didn’t.

It’s more to find out if she actually obese as he states in his first post or that due to op losing weight he now sees his wife as big

are we talking say size 16/18 or more like 24/26

when op was bigger he didn’t seem to go on about her weight but now he’s lost weight he wants her to

The problem I can see with your response here is that you’ve ignored what I said about women and the menopause.

Saying “yes, we all get aches and pains as we get older” is dismissive and not what I was talking about.

While yes, both sexes do get more aches and pains, and yes, losing weight would help, what I was very specific in mentioning was the effect of the menopause.

It’s really hard for many women. All of a sudden you hurt for no reason, you’re exhausted, you get brain fog, and the bloody weight just won’t shift!

Our hormone profile is very different to men. We don’t all experience the same symptoms, some struggle more than others. Historically many women would have just put it down to “getting old”, not realising the menopause can make you achey and sore.

There are plenty of women on these boards who exercise and eat well and still struggle with weight loss around the menopause. You really do need to take this into account because it’s not as simple for your wife as it is for you.

I suspect that your wife feels judged by you. Intentionally or not, your posts sound critical and judgemental. And remember, not all people diet in the same way. If I have no chocolate at all I crave it and go on a binge when I’m next able to buy it! It’s coming across very much as “my way is the only right way”. In real life, suggestions need to be framed differently - why can’t your wife join in the activities with you and DC? If you’re going to suggest anything it needs to be “I need to get fit and I can’t do it on my own” or “this would be a lovely way to spend some time together plus I need to get fit” type of thing.

A size 16 is obese for most women, you don’t need to know just how obese.

You don’t even know how old she is. Or if she’s in the menopause or how long she’s been fat for.

I think some people are deluded, yet some are extremely self aware. I am very conscious of my size and sometimes visualise myself as bigger than I am. By comparison, a friend had an honest conversation with me recently. She was big and if I'm honest didnt dress for her shape, she dressed like a slim person, and seemed really happy and comfortable. I envied her, truth be told. We were similar but i gave all my mental energy to it whereas she didn't. She recently started to lose weight due to a health issue and told me that she now believes she was deluded, like a reverse of body dysmorphia, whatever that is called. She saw a healthy happy person in the mirror. She never ever felt big or felt shame or embarassment, and it was only when the health issues showed and medical advice told her to lose weight that the illusion was shattered. I think this is relatively rare, I suspect more people are like me than her.

I don’t care what size she is. I meant for op to look so he knows. Not to come back and write it on here

she will not lose weight till she is in the mindset of wanting to lose weight - same as I wasn’t till I knew I had to for my health and daughter

my mum always had favourite saying

you can lead a horse to water. You can’t make it drink

She’s 51. She’s either perimenopausal or menopausal. Either way, nothing I said is inaccurate.

if she her diet doesn’t seem too unreasonable and she’s more bottom heavy then it could be lipodema, which means it’s almost impossible to lose weight

@Notsosweetcaroline I agree with so much of what you've said.

Yes to wearing a lot of black stretchy stuff! I also decided I was only sizing up because I liked my clothes loose, or because that particular item came up small. Not because I was actually that size.

You are absolutely right your brain needs to catch up both when you've gained and when you've lost. It is very easy to just not 'see' yourself. Then suddenly something snaps you out of it, maybe a photo finally getting on the scales.

The OP probably knows this because he was/is overweight and something triggered him to lose. His wife isn't there yet. He said she's 51 so probably menopausal. That is the age when I gained the 3 stone, but I did subsequently lose it. If she doesn't do it soon, her mobility problems will make it all the harder. But it's her choice.

Being NICE to your wife, speaking to her positively instead of negatively, had never occurred to you?

You needed a 'genius' to win the internet today by suggesting it to you? Fucking hell.

I can see why you've found this thread so frustrating and found so many of the replies unhelpful. 99% of the people replying would have just assumed that being kind and supportive towards your wife was something you'd already thought of and tried before posting for advice.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife do you actually love and desire your wife? Do you cherish her, make her feel she is attractive? Because I have a BIL who, like you, easily and quickly lost weight, and goes on about it non-stop, and who also refers to his wife as obese, and frankly, if he or you were my husband, I would feel goaded to eat cream cakes IN YOUR FACE.

Criticism is no help. Maybe if you did the shopping and cooking (There are plenty of easy recipes on the WW App) and told her, both in words and actions, how much you loved her, she might be more motivated. Currently I think she must feel that she is totally unattractive to you, so why should she bother?

Spot on but the OP ignores advice like this.

if he or you were my husband, I would feel goaded to eat cream cakes IN YOUR FACE.

Explain why you'd do that.

Currently I think she must feel that she is totally unattractive to you, so why should she bother?

To avoid ending up disabled and /or a myriad of other serious and painful problems?

Already answered.

Can you answer my post then?

“Currently I think she must feel that she is totally unattractive to you, so why should she bother?

To avoid ending up disabled and /or a myriad of other serious and painful problems?”

Well, I could be wrong. But my hunch is that if she did come to that conclusion, in a context where she does not feel loved, cherished or appreciated in any way, then her lifestyle change could well involve a decision to reinvent herself as a single woman.

Has a doctor actually told her that she's likely to end up disabled? Or is that purely your diagnosis? Her weight may well be affecting her joints, obviously it's hard for any of us to even guess at that given you can't say if her BMI is more like 30 or 50+. Equally as has been pointed out peri- or menopause may be affecting them, as it does for many women. Or it may be something else altogther.
You seem incredibly fixated on her weight specifically though, rather than on joint pain, without apparently knowing if the two are linked. That won't come as a surprise to any overweight woman who's ever seen a GP about pretty much anything, but it's interesting that you came here to ask about how to help her reduce her weight rather than how to help her with joint pain.

The fact this is all you respond to shows you don't love your wife. I doubt you even care about her health you just don't want to have to do everything in the household she does.

Your avoidance of even knowing what height or weight she is just so you can judge her is pathetic.

FWIW to anyone agreeing with him, I'm 168cm, to lose 1kg a week of fat I would need to eat 1100kcals a day. Nutracheck even tells you not to do that. According to @Notsosweetcaroline I'm obese.

ETA and I'm not even peri menopausal yet.

I don’t mean to be horrid, but obese (well morbidly obese to be accurate) isn’t attractive on anyone.

But I believe OP love’s his wife (and may or may not find her currently attractive) and actually is concerned about her health and mobility. That’s his main concern. He wants her to lose the weight, and I’m sure everyone in his position would want the same.

Many men leave their wives when they’ve gained a great deal of weight and can’t see past not being attractive to them anymore, obviously they never loved them enough. OP is not like this.

Not living in a society awash with UPF that mess up our bodies and our regulatory systems. Some of it can barely be accurately described as food.

If people from that era were around now, they'd be the same as we are. The food industry has completely screwed us up.

YOU explain why you wont answer questions about you doing more of the shopping and cooking.

Just be aware that there is no way on earth that Weight watchers will ever promote weight loss injections. It's going to be the death of their business. So you could find she has already heard lots of doom and gloom about them from the people there. "My sister's friends auntie ended up in A&E" type stories. I would suggest doing some proper research so you can say "I've done a bit of reading about them today and I think it's worth having a proper look before dismissing them.
There are plenty of threads on here where the doom-mongers try and argue against them and plenty of posters pointing to reputable research. Ultimately, the risks of taking them as long as it's done sensibly with medical advice, are far less surely than the known risks of being so obese she needs a mobility scooter.

Because one of the reasons women overeat is as a stress response, another is to self soothe.

Nothing has me dashing to the fridge faster than a discussion about weight loss, even when I completely agree with them.

And there's the defensiveness as well - "I'll show them what I think of their meddling!"

It's perfectly understandable. She knows she's in pain, she knows she's judged, she knows everyone is internally criticising her. We fat people know that we're fat. It's very distressing.

The trouble is, the thing that helps us calm down is more food. The more attacked or criticised we feel, the stronger the urge to eat.

Be compassionate. Praise her (admittedly futile) efforts with WW, offer to support her and make it less difficult with the weight loss jabs, and try swapping out some of the higher calorie snacks.

I've been fat all my life. Losing 3 1/2 stone made my joint pain SO much better. Thank goodness for the injections.