AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

@Carla786

'expecting personal willpower to withstand it is unrealistic for the vast majority'

• what's the solution then? Without willpower you place your fate in the hands of food companies.

It’s not that you don’t need to use willpower, its more that it’s not enough on its own. Some other things which have helped me:

• knowledge about the metabolic effects of UPF’s increased motivation to eliminate them
• understanding the addictive nature of them (especially, for me, sugar) eventually made me willing to embrace abstinence rather than moderation
• a supportive community of others walking the same road
• the desperation which came from the impact my obesity was having on my ability to function and enjoy life
• A shift in mindset which eventually led me to see that social occasions could be enjoyed without stuffing myself with metabolic poison. Eventually, the little voice which told me to celebrate anything and everything with cake dwindled to almost nothing.

There are other sources of help as well which I have not personally had or used but others do, such as a supportive partner making changes with you, and the WLI.

I would love to see legislation to limit the availability of UPF’s and increase the cost. Coupled with public education about how bad they are, plus, you do not need to eat 15 times a day and drink sugary drinks. I would get “healthy” banned from food packaging and advertising, and enforce standards on food In schools, prisons and hospitals.

I am not against WLI. But I don’t believe they can, or should, do most of the work on this. We need to fix the food environment first and foremost, but sadly that is the thing which will probably take the longest to do.

OP YANBU to be concerned about the effects your wife's weight can have on her health.
As a registered nurse, working in a cardiac area, I see what obesity as well as other lifestyle issues has on health.
It's nothing to do with "body shaming" or whatever. Even getting a procedure done when obese can increase risks.
I say this as someone who is a bit overweight myself who is trying to do something about it, increasing exercise etc.

She should also be on omeprazole then if on naproxen

I’m on it for my ankle and hips - severe arthritis

If on nurofen and buying from shops then doc needs to give stronger - co codimal is what I’m on for pain

since losing weight the pain is less tho still there as joint pain

It’s not that you don’t need to use willpower, its more that it’s not enough on its own. Some other things which have helped me

The bullet points on your list do kind of boil down to something approximating "willpower" though. Your bullet point headings: "knowledge, understanding, desperation, a shift in mindset" could all basically be synonymised with "willpower" or if you prefer, "thought-power".

I think there is a huge mega-industry around weight loss that tries to convince us all that it's very very complicated but I think op might be right that it is "difficult but technically simple".

Sorry, but I disagree. To me willpower is gritting your teeth and withstanding something that you are experiencing a powerful urge or desire for. The things I talked about have reduced my desire. Though not eliminated it entirely.

I do agree that weight loss is more in the arena of difficult than it is complicated. But I also believe that approaches which focus on calories without reference to the nature of the food are not helpful. It is very easy to overeat (consume too many calories) on UPF’s. It is much less likely if you eat mainly single ingredient foods and reduce or eliminate sugar.

When someone comes to that understanding and acts on it, then cravings become much less and so much less willpower is required.

I honestly don't understand why there is such a nasty undercurrent on this thread. I've noted numerous posters repeatedly posting to criticise the OP but offering nothing else. It's a very fair AIBU, watching someones health and well being decline and feeling powerless to help is awful, why wouldn't someone want their partner to lose weight? I think sadly this has brought out many of the sexist posters, who no doubt would be telling OP to LTB if it was a reverse.

My friend had a BMI of 32, and she was given them. Possibly because the GP thought she had health risks. I thought it applied everywhere. 🤷‍♀️

@Boomer55 i think perhaps in Scotland, NHS Scotland, has different criteria although it may depend on your region even there. But in England the criteria are BMI 40+ and 4 out of 5 specific weight related health conditions. The only other situation is if you have T2 diabetes, and your blood sugars are not well controlled by other medications, you can be offered Mounjaro for blood sugar control. It's not intended for weight loss alone though in those circumstances, and often the diabetes management HCP will want to keep the dose as low as possible whilst blood sugars are controlled.

GPs cannot offer WLI even if they think the person has health issues with their weight, unless they meet the criteria mentioned above.

The other possibility is that your friend gets WLI via a private prescription and doesn't want to make that widely known.

When i was losing weight with Slimming World my DH used to do my packed salad lunches for me so i could get up a bit later. I was working nights. I didnt even have to ask him.....he just started doing it.

This is the kind of support posters are on about.

He's said she's obese, which means she qualifies. And for WLI takers, it's not a 'when' people stop. It's an 'if'. Long term usage is perfectly feasible, as per the WHO, so we can't assume that when someone recommends WLIs they have a time limited period in mind. There's no reason to presume there's an underlying cause that needs addressing other than eating more than she burns off either, so saying it 'won't solve' is too absolute.

I wouldn't go so far as directly advising someone to do it, there's not enough information for that. Agree with you that she needs to know what's causing the pain too, as it could be something else. So those are good points.

But as DW is obese already, no getting round the fact that this comes with risks all by itself. And there's no method more likely to make and keep her not obese than ongoing WLIs.

Exactly, it is the way the OP talks about his wife with such contempt and his refusal to answer any questions about how he treats her that makes us doubt his motives. If she is comfort eating because she is overworked and not appreciated in a miserable marriage then no amount of nagging about diets and exercise is going to help. Instead, if he is serious about helping her, rather than just criticising and putting her down then he needs to look at how he treats her and what he can do to give her the time, energy and motivation to embark on the self care to look after her health.

The OP and the other posters who are talking about willpower and self discipline do not understand how eating disorders work. Just because they can control themselves around food, it doesn’t mean that it is the same for everyone. As an example, I can easily control the amount of alcohol I drink but I don’t think that means that I have more self discipline or willpower than an alcoholic. It just isn’t as difficult to do for me as it is for them.

I agree that WLI may be great for the OP's wife, especially if inflamation is an issue at all with her joints. But there's been no suggestion that she's shown any interest in using them whatsoever. If she has then I'd suggest the best thing the OP can do is support that choice, but the number of posters proposing that the best course of action is to suggest a woman they don't know, with a medical history they don't know is encouraged to go onto prescrition medication it wild.
Using mounjaro is the single best choice I've made for myself in years, but if someone had said to me, unprompted, hey we should get you some of that ozempic stuff then I think I'd have told them to fuck off.

OP, does your wife enjoying exercise?
If the gym isn’t for her or a game of tennis, going for a swim etc I’d suggest that on weekends, you plan a nice place to walk.
It could be for the two of you or include the kids too.
Start going to national parks or places you could easily get a nice 5km walk in.
Pack some healthy snacks for the walk, water, bananas, cereal bars..
Then when you get home, lunch could be chicken wraps or tuna sandwiches (adding in sweet corn, onions, tomatoes etc)

I’d be really positive about how nice of a walk it was, nice to spend time together and I find after a good walk, you want to refuel with healthy food.

Start this off as a weekly occurrence and maybe midweek if time allows, you could do 2 evening walks together too.

Make it enjoyable, you could go to outdoor hot tubs, walks on the beach.

If you really can’t have a conversation with your wife about her weight, you need to make changes to life that include you both.

Hopefully after a few weekends of going out walking together, she might start feeling better in herself and want to get out exercising more too.

You mention she does all the cooking too. Are the meals healthy?
If I were you and you wanted to introduce more healthy options, you do a night were you cook. Maybe a nice stir fry with loads of veggies or a roast veg wholemeal pasta with salmon or chicken breast.

I’d give yourself a timeline of 6 months to a year to see if anything changes.
Being healthy and losing weight doesn’t happen overnight and maybe your wife needs a little support to get the ball rolling.

Yep that's reasonable. Diet and exercise is unlikely to get and keep her at a healthy weight, no way round that one, but it's still possible she prefers WW regardless. Have to account for preference.

Such a good post @Momlife86 👏🏻

Has she always been very overweight? What is her weight and height or what size clothes is she in? She does need to lose weight. Good luck trying to be the one to convince her if that. You're in a really hard spot here.

In the scheme of things these days 3 stones overweight is not going to be seen as critical, weight might be affecting his wife's joints, but there are lots of other possibilities. This post is really more about the OP's anxieties about the future than anything else, if she is not putting on weight, then she is not a candidate for a mobility scooter, unless she needs a hip replacement- which could easily happen if she was a healthy weight. The future is uncertain, it will remain so even if his wife loses 3 stones.

PuzzledObserver

You make some good points.

I think there is a lot in our food culture and food made by 'science' that is wrong.

I do not think just a high bmi automatically gets wli on the NHS but it worth a try.

OP thank you posting and brining up this topic, I think more people need to be thinking about the affect of obesity on the health of our nation.

Can I ask what started you on tiur road to healthier eating?

Can I ask what started you on tiur road to healthier eating?

I said earlier but more detail: 10 years ago I had been feeling unwell in hard to define ways. Doctor told me in plain language I was a fat bastard and that I was storing up health issues.

I worked out my BMI; Googled the consequences; realized that he was 100% right. I reduced my calorie intake and started C25K that afternoon. Made sure calories in was less than calories out. Never looked back. If you do the calculation, I'm still fat but I've dramatically reduced the strain on my joints and organs and my blood pressure is normal. I've reduced the risks dramatically.

Ironically the doc was pretty fat too, but he saved/changed my life.

So for me it all came from someone being direct and honest with me.

How are you and your wife around treats that aren't 'yours' or communal?
If she is so insistent on the kids having treats, would there be any mileage in having named treat boxes that have a week's worth of their treats in, then only buying sufficient for the boxes in the weekly shop? Couched as teaching the kids the pace themselves if they're old enough? Or simply to regulate their intake? Then it would be difficult for her to mislead herself (or anyone else) that she's buying extra for them? This is assuming that depriving the kids would give her pause, as opposed to just precipitating a 'top up' shop.........

There’s two things which occur to me about your story - and well done, by the way, for taking control, losing the weight and keeping it off.

The first thing is that you responded to direct, clear communication. The fact it came from your doctor may be a factor, or maybe not. But just be aware that not everyone responds in the same way as you did. Your wife may not. Or she may.

The other thing - and IMO, the more important thing - is that once you got the wake-up call, you made a plan, followed the plan, job done. You are, by your own admission, still fat, but sufficiently less so to make a massive difference to your health and quality of life. Fantastic….. BUT…… you had (unless I’ve got this wrong) never tried to control your weight before, and the very first time you tried, you achieved a substantial weight loss and have kept it off.

That is a very, very different scenario from your wife’s - and from most women, to be fair. Your wife has been going to weight watchers for decades and not losing weight. Why do you think that is? Do you think she doesn’t want to, or hasn’t really tried? That’s possible, of course - but personally I think it unlikely.

The reasons are complex. People have suggested hormonal issues, perhaps menopause. At her age that will be a factor, but the fact she has been going for decades suggests to me there is more at play. A good chance that she is using food as an emotional coping mechanism, or is addicted to certain foods, or both. The result is - it will be far, far harder for your wife to lose weight and keep it off than it was for you, and she is probably utterly demoralised by decades of failure. And she may not be aware of all the forces arrayed against her, she will be buying into the corrosive fiction that if she only tried harder she ought to be able to do it.

It IS possible. Some people do it , although the odds are very, very low, hence the phenomenal popularity of WLI, which are giving hope to people who have tried so hard for so long and failed.

I have done it, without WLI, after 5 decades of not doing it. Like you, I’m still fat, but the over 8 stone I have lost has made my life completely different. However, it took a LOT of self compassion, support and damned hard work to get me here, and (so far) keep me here. Oh - and a fair amount of knowledge as well. And I don’t mean knowledge about calories, TDEE and all that stuff.

Yeah, I've often thought of that kind of solution. I'd go as far as making it a padlocked box that I don't have the code to so I can't browse when WFH. That sounds extreme but it would help me a lot. Obvs it would help DW as well.

But yes, specific numbered treats would achieve something similar and might seem less extreme, good idea.

Same. Pain in hips and has severe arthritis and doc who had known me for 20yrs and I said what can be done and he patted my hand an said lose weight

I was size 20/22 squeezed into 18 and over 17s. Now a size 12 and lost 7s

but until you wife wants to lose weight …….

HelpMeHelpMyWife

Thank you for sharing. Sorry, I did see your earlier post where said about changing your behavioir. It's quite anazing you managed to do that without medication.

i take Mounjarro for an existong medical condition. Didn't affect my appetite for a long time but now it seems to have done so.

PuzzledObserver

Well done on your amazing weight loss.