AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

There is nothing you can/should do about it. It's her body, her decision and she will make changes if/when she is ready.

How did you address your weight? Do you cook separately? Do you exercise? Can you involve her in your methods? YANBU but dont bring your daughter into this. Invite your wife to join you in exercise or healthy eating, take the health angle, say youre scared you'll lose ger, you want a long and happy retirement of n active adventures with her

Do you shop and cook or does she?

She shops, she cooks.

I think you've hit the nail on the head that the shopping is the problem. If cholocate and crisps enter the house they're going to get eaten and resisting them requires will power.

As you can imagine I've made that point loud and clear with regard to my own weight loss efforts and been told I should just use will power. (FFS, why use will power, it's much easier to avoid the need for will power in tbe first place.)

As username suggests I have beef in this game…
I can assure you she is very aware of being overweight and is quite possibly desperate to be out of pain and in better health but it’s such a complicated issue.
For women of her age it’s can be very hard to
lose weight, complications with hormones fuelled by the menopause that men just don’t have.
I had a male colleague who made 1 change - cut sugar from his coffee and lost 2 stone in a few months! still ate the same, still drank pints etc, if only it was so bloody easy for me!
and stop talking to other people about it, this will not help and in fact could hinder the problem.
And I might add that a big contribution to my weight gain was 10 years in a thoroughly miserable marriage. Just saying….

Tell her you want a divorce. Most effective diet plan ever.

Only half joking. She might be happier.

Sorry, bit if you’re as obese as OP implies then it’s easy to lose some.

could you afford the injections privately ?

The reason the ww meetings don’t work is because you have to actually do the diet, not just turn up for the meetings.

would the weigh loss injections be an option?

@HelpMeHelpMyWife

She shops, she cooks

What do you do? Other than act like a great oracle because you lost some weight.

Yeah, I run three tines I week and I lost weight simply by changing my diet and running.

In the early days of that I took it as read that she'd see how much my life improved and simply copy what I did. (Perhaps without the running which isn't for everyone. Personally I hate it, but not as much as I'd hate Type 2 diabetes.)

You do know there were obese people then too?

Maybe the poor woman doesn't want to use weight loss injections!

Weight watchers or any of the similar schemes don’t work because essentially diets don’t work, long term, for the large majority. Once you are obese, very very few people manage to lose the weight and maintain that loss in the long term eg 5 years plus. How long have you maintained your 3 stone weight loss @HelpMeHelpMyWife?

Agree!

There will be a myriad of reasons if she's comfortable eating.iE being harangued by op possibly.

I value my health and I’d feel the same but you can’t force another adult todo anything. Have you discussed WLI?

Having been absolutely in the very overweight category and a 50+ year old woman, I can assure you that she will be very well aware of her own weight/health/restrictions. Having other people point it out is not helpful, any changes need to come from herself. If you are loving and supportive you should keep out of it.

Fat people tend to know they are fat. Some goon pointing it out is 99% of the time massively unhelpful and probably makes the person reach for the biscuits.

There are now more ways than ever to lose weight and if she needs help then there's no shame in that.

I see the ever-so-smug fat-bashers are out already. You people should shut up until you have been in the shoes of someone with a weight problem. Until then you have nothing to add except the sound of your own horribly ignorant voices.

Well said @MacchiatoMavis !

She obviously already knows she is overweight if she is going to Weightwatchers and you have discussed with her. If this thread is genuine: take over the food shopping and cooking; go on walks/do other sports together; pay for her to have weight loss injections.

What is your lifestyle like OP, and your wife? Not diet and exercise but things like, relative free time for you both, caring responsibilities, work, general stress? All of this can contribute into how much mental space someone has to plan exercise and healthy eating, and the motivation to do it.

Comfort eating not comfortable bloody auto correct

YANBU to want her to be healthier, but it's not easy (in the end not possible) to MAKE this happen for another person.

I'm early 50s and my husband and I have both lost significant amounts recently with a low carb approach. I started it and just refused to cook separate meals for him (I do all the cooking anyway). I also told him he was unhealthily overweight and should lay off the carby snacks and puddings (I did stock up on low carb alternatives, tasty ones so that we wouldn't feel deprived. Because this is for the long term.)

But this has required buy-in from him as well as effort from me. And I would say that telling a husband he needs to lose weight for his health is normally a very different thing from telling a wife she needs to lose weight.

Might weight loss jabs be an option? Is there a way to have a low-stakes conversation about weight loss jabs in general?

Offer to pay for mounjaro. Life changing.