AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

I already have and I've said I already have but one more time.....

If she was willing to let me do the shopping and the cooking that would give me total control over what she eats in the house.

Self evidently, if she was willing to let me control her calorie intake I wouldn't be posting on MN asking if I should address it. I'd already have addressed it!

No thats the first time you have said that she isnt willing to let you

Post at 01:05.

At one o five you posted this

Because it's fucking ridiculous. If the topic of healthy eating is verboten to discuss then I can hardly take over the bloody shopping and cooking and cut out all the unhealthy stuff.
Yes, clearly if I took totally control of what DW eats at home that would help her (and would really help me because I wouldn't be tormented by crisps and chocolate in the house.) How do you think that would go down?

Nowhere does it say that she isnt willing to let you.

Too much weight on your bones causes pain. I’m pretty sure if she was running marathons OP wouldn’t be suggesting the pain is from excessive weight. To OP it’s obviously her size that’s affecting her wellbeing.

Good point! I hadn’t thought about WW doing that, but of course they have been to save their business!

Because you come across as smug and self-righteous and extremely irritating? Eating cream cakes in your face would wind you up delightfully!

You haven't answered my initial question as to whether you love your wife, cherish her, find her desirable? None of your responses so far suggest any of these things. Of course, it may well be that she deliberately retains the weight so that you don't find her desirable.........🤭

Eating cream cakes in your face would wind you up delightfully!

Why? Spell it out for me.

You come across as a person that would cut-off their nose to spite their face!

In quite a literal way. 🤯

But he isn't her GP and in fact has no idea if it's definitely what is causing the issues. I agree, it's very likely to be one contributing factor but if he is genuinely concerned about her joints or mobility then his focus should be on encouraging her to see a doctor, who can discuss the many, many things that can cause joint pain, including weight.
Instead though he's just focussing on her weight. He didn't ask about pain relief, ways to reduce inflammation, how to encourage her to see a medical professional. Just how to make her lose weight.
His contrasting responses to the suggestions of therapy or WLI spoke volumes too. Therapy would take too long and be doomed to failure but pushing prescription medication (which I'm on myself so not anti) on someone who appears to have expressed no interest in it herself got a thumbs up.

I've specifically asked about the aspect I need advice on from women on which is do I continue to avoid mentioning it and if I don't avoid mentioning it how should it best be addressed to her. The poll and some comments are useful.

You can't draw any conclusions from what hasn't been asked on MN.

Agree. OPs wife needs something to stop the pain in the meantime so she can excersise if she wants to. This does not seem to have occured to him.

FFS, I do regular neurofen runs to the corner shop and the Doc has given her Neproxyn. (sp?)

I hardly need ask MN about that or anything else except the specific issue I came here for.

I can, and am, drawing conclusions based on the question you chose to ask. You could have said I'm concerned about my wife's mobility and/ or joint pain, how can I best help her. Instead you posted I'm concerned about my wife's weight, should I involve my child in guilting her about that.

So you admit the issue might not be caused by her weight then.

Naproxen is most often prescribed for arthritis. Also causes fluid retention, increasing body mass.

You don't need to be obese to have arthritis.

My dad has needed his knees replaced since his 30s, never been obese.

You can't force her to lose weight. In fact pressure to do so can have the opposite effect.

Do you do the cooking? Get to understand healthy eating and portion size. As a rule of thumb a meal should be veg heavy, a small main protein and a slow release carb. To me portion size is the most important. My diet was generally healthy but my portion sizes were too big and I ate too much fruit.

Regardless of whether she "lets" you or not, you doing the shopping or cooking is the only possible solution and will benefit your kids too.

I think you need to just go ahead and do this. Any resistance you get will be temporary and you'll just have to weather it. After a while, the whole family will get used to the new routine of Daddy doing the cooking.

There is more than one way of approaching the suggestion that you might do the cooking, or at least some of it.

How not to do it: darling, let me take over the cooking and I’ll make sure you eat less and so lose weight.

What might work: I’m interested in trying out some new meal ideas, how’s about I take over cooking 3 nights a week….. and it would give you a break as well.

By stating the former OP assures that he will never have to follow through.

Ew. This thread reinforces my dislike of men being on Mumsnet.

I can’t believe so many posters are suggesting WLI’s when we don’t actually know how overweight the wife is.

such dangerous advice. It also won’t actually solve the issues of why she is overeating and so when injections stop, weight will pile back on.

OP isn’t actually willing to do anything proactive to help his wife at this point.

I’m concerned about the mixing of naproxen and ibruprofen. Naproxen is in the aame category of drugs & they both help with inflamation which in turn will help relieve joint pain.

also people saying her weight is causing the pain, you don’t know that its not always down to weight.

so what I have learnt is this is all futile

'expecting personal willpower to withstand it is unrealistic for the vast majority'

• what's the solution then? Without willpower you place your fate in the hands of food companies.

He said she’s obese. It is none of your business her weight, and it is very good advice, and she may not stop the injections, plenty don’t, they are a life time treatment, and you need to change your diet on gnem, eat clean and healthy and in a defecit to lose weight.

if you don’t understand something it’s best to google before posting nonsense,