AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

[HelpMeHelpMyWife]

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

I'm following with interest because my sister is the same. In truth we both are, but I'm on an endless battle to lose weight and mostly unsuccessful. My constant efforts have brought me to a size 16. Sis decided a few years ago that she was tired of trying to lose and being judged and her body was her business, she went on and on about body positivity etc. And so she went from maybe a size 20 to about 26, and is now morbidly obese. If anyone dares bring it up she gets all huffy and offended. One day a family member suggested a plus size shop, in the context of her complaining she can't find nice clothes, and she was furious, how dare they suggest she is fat etc, they nearly fell out over it. I bring it up sometimes in the context of my own struggles and occasionally she opens a little but only when I'm gaining, if I've lost a bit she shuts down or says oh but you are so skinny now. Which I am far from. I hate to say it but she really is delusional and it worries me. She has started to have health complications and her feet hurt so she cant walk anywhere. She is complaining about daily things that are all weight related but God help us if we connect the dots. I honestly don't know where she will end up or how bad it's going to get. It also causes arguments, two family members put me under pressure to have an intervention, they can't say a word cos she says they are skinny bitches. If I intervene she will cut me off, we live far away.

So yes OP I totally get where you are coming from and unfortunately don't have solutions other than suggesting WLI to ease joint pain.

Definitely don't get your teenage daughter involved, it really wouldn't be fair to put that burden on her. Similarly, stop talking to her mum. She's your wife, you don't talk behind her back to others about her.

The truth is your wife knows that her weight is negatively impacting on her health. The reasons for obesity are complex - it's not simply that she's ignorant of the dangers. You can know the dangers and still find it very hard (for genetic, social, emotional and physical reasons) to lose weight.

Your post focuses a lot on what you think your wife needs to do, and not a lot on how she is. Is she happy? Does she get enough rest? Does she get time to herself? Who is doing most of the cooking and meal planning? Do you spend meaningful time together? Do you do active things as a family, like walking? Have you ever encouraged this, not from a 'you need to lose weight' perspective but from a 'Let's go on a beautiful countryside walk together'. Do you cook and eat together? Do you cook for her? Is she bored? Does she have hobbies, or time for hobbies?

There are lots of ways to support someone to lose weight and none of them involve repeatedly telling the person they're unhealthy. You would be much better off working to create an environment where she can thrive and be happy, with the mental space to consider making changes to her lifestyle.

This is a terrible idea IMO unless your wife is incredibly thick which I assume she isn't. She's been going for years and hasn't lost a jot so how is she doing fab? It would be completely obvious that you're being disingenuous and might well put her back up more.

Agree, but I don't need to say its working, I can say "So you're clearly putting the effort in". I think the general idea of introducing WLI as a small addition to her existing efforts is a very good one.

As many have said it only really works if she already wants to do WLI and didn't want to mention it. Of course it brings the whole issue up again which if she's receptive would be good. Most likely there will be no change and she'll do the usual addict response, but its a way to have a go.

TBH my involvement is futile. As others say she needs the light bulb to go on, and the trigger for that isn't going to be my words. It might be frank words from a doctor or a realisation that less weight on joints is a good thing.

start cooking one or two days a week. If you can’t win the snack buying battle start taking them so there’s less in the house.

buy more fruits. You’re going to have to be a braver. If your wife isn’t up to fighting for herself right now you have to do it for her. You can’t control her or make her start moving. But you can’t have some control in other areas so do that.

make one of you runs a walk and take her with you. Start making treats fruits.

don’t involve your DD people will say don’t talk to her mum but mums can be honest in ways partners may not. Mine is and will also join me in exercise if I wanted a buddy.

keep thinking of it as you helping and supporting her but you do have to take control of some cooking and shopping. Get into it and don’t back down.

Ignore all the people on here assuming you must be doing something very wrong because you're a man. I've no idea whether you're smug and superior about your weight loss or just expressing your frustration that you lost weight and she can't seem to. And I've no idea how much this is selfish concerns about her appearance & you becoming a carer or driven by concern about the health of someone you love. Let's assume the later. When I was overweight and my DH faced the same situation, there wasn't much he could say that made a difference as it had to come from me. Comments about future disability felt undermining and like I might as well give up. What can help a bit is you thinking about the structure of your lives together and (quietly, without comment) ensuring you do what you can to support health e.g: not using food and drink as a way to have a nice time together; suggesting shared physical activities; making sure she has enough time in the week to focus on thinking about looking after herself & she doesn't have stresses that lead to comfort eating; taking on some of the shopping & cooking; hunting down tasty low calorie recipes & teaching yourself to cook them; not rushing to help her with physical limitations i.e. don't completely leave her struggling but act as if it's normal to expect her to get over a stile without help unless she asks etc. And positive comments about efforts she IS making (e.g. weight watchers) will have more effect than trying to scare her. It might feel annoying having to make all the above efforts when you've already done the work on your own health and she hasn't, but don't forget this is a more complex issue for women. Our bodies store fat in order to be able to incubate your children, society often guides us into more sedentary jobs, domestic labour means we're around food all day and the social pressures around weight and appearance can make us feel like being big is a form of positive resistance. Losing weight is not straightforward for us, but you can do something by thinking very carefully about any ways your actions unwittingly influence her calorie intake & expenditure.

Thanks, that is all so familiar.

Like you I'm not exactly perfectly healthy myself. If we put it in alcoholic terms if DW is necking two bottles of whisky a day then I'm on half a bottle a day. It's not like my BMI is 'good', Im just not obese any more. That's another reason I find it so frustrating. We're in a perfect position to make a joint effort, slapping each other's hands when we reach for cake, and it's not happening.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife You are not unreasonable to want to help her but I am not sure you're going to be able to. Losing weight takes effort and commitment, so she has to want to do it.

I agree you could suggest WLIs to help her, but when she stops the WLIs she is likely to regain weight unless she uses the opportunity to commit to eating less and moving more long term. (I know it's possible to stay on WLIs longer term but that depends on being able to afford it.)

My sister and I have both struggled with our weight most of our lives, we're in our 60s now. I have committed keeping within a healthy BMI, but she is morbidly obese with severe mobility and other health problems. No one can mention her weight as she gets offended and refuses to talk about it.

Stop eating any junk food then. No one is forcing you to eat junk just because it is there.

You can't control your wife. You refuse to cook or shop, probably don't do any housework or much solo childcare either. Control yourself.

I have only read op's posts and I didn't see the deleted one in time.

I just wanted to say op, I think I'd feel the same as you if my dh were very overweight (and I'm a woman and a mum). I think it is selfish not to look after your own health when you are a parent (or at least try to, as much as you can).

The problem is, I don't think there's that much you can realistically do. Certainly, nagging her does not help.

I think the only thing you can do (and probably should) is taking over all the shopping and cooking. Your dw can use the time saved to relax, exercise, whatever (if the hypothesis is that she is overeating through stress then this should help). And you can thereby make sure there are fewer treats in the house.

You'll be accused of being controlling but tbh I'd rather risk that than let things go on.

I'd do it for the kids. They deserve healthy parents.

Agree it’s so important to model healthy habits to children/teens.

Including encouraging them to learn the simple pleasure of growing, preparing and cooking healthy food. Otherwise, they end up as adults who don’t know how to do it and reach for quick-fix ultra-processed foods.

UPFs (like mass-produced crisps and confectionery) should never be viewed, or described to kids, as ‘treats’. They’re shockingly bad for health and the environment.

Sure, no one’s perfect. And we’re all subjected to heavy marketing and advertising of damaging, poorly-regulated, addictive rubbish. But changing the framing from ‘treats’ to ‘junk’ can really help.

To add, I think this is a valid concern: "I've certainly mentioned how insane it is to have treats as an every day thing for kids. They get chocolate simply for getting home from school. It's just crazy and a terrible example"

I'd push harder on this & not confuse it with your concern about your DW. As their father, it's valid to have a say in their health. Tell her you are worried that they will have inherited your & your DW's tendency to put on weight, whether through genetics or lifestyle exposure. They are being trained to expect daily dopamine hits through chocolate. See if she will agree to no chocolate in the house where they (or you) can easily get it & a treat day once a week. You can then compromise on 2 days. But soften blame by saying it might have been reasonable when they were younger and all their friends were getting it & you didn't know you both had weight problems or it's partly your fault etc

If she's going to WW then your DW may also feel uncomfortable then buying just for herself and keeping a 'secret stash' plus it won't be in her face in the kitchen cupboard. I'd handle all this very gently & kindly, though assertively. Chocolate can be addictive and she may feel some shame about wanting a secret hoard & anger about you saying you don't want it in your kitchen. Keep the focus on this being for the benefit of you and the kids.

I think this is my problem with the post.

Very few actualities but heavy on the judgment.

I'd love to hear her side of things.

In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance

What type of fence?

I have no way to know how much she needs to lose. I don't know what she weighs and I don't know exactly how tall she is.

Surely you can give an appromate in comparison to your stats or check her clothing size?

But soften blame by saying it might have been reasonable when they were younger and all their friends were getting it & you didn't know you both had weight problems or it's partly your fault etc

This use of words is the kind of gold nugget I was angling for when I started the thread. Thankyou @Ramblethroughthebrambles .

The delusion is really damaging, and we’re all supposed to pretend fat people aren’t fat because it might hurt their feeling. See the nonsense that comes out when someone says a BMI of over 25 is fat. ‘Oh but I’m big boned’, ‘oh but I could be an Olympic weightlifter’ etc etc. People kid themselves so much, society backs them up and they end up thinking they’re not fat when they are. Just like how people tell trans identifying boys that they really are girls and everyone is seen to agree, and when the Supreme Court steps in with scientific fact and kicks them out of girl guides they’re distraught.

Honesty is much kinder than white lies in the long run.

OP I’d suggest you both ship together for food online. This prevents many impulsive purchases of unhealthy foods. If your wife is determined to eat themselves into a grave I’d leave her to it, divorce and find happiness elsewhere. A family member left her husband when his overeating leaving him in a wheelchair - as doctors said it would.

You don't get it do you.

Nothing you say or do will work.

This is her life, her body, her choice.

Your choice is to live with it or leave.

WW is a business Sure it does work for a few people, but if it worked long term for everyone, they'd have no business. And they're never going to suggest WLI or anything other than their own model.

You say you have no idea of her size. Check labels

height - short 5ft - average 5/7 - tall 6ft

what are you @HelpMeHelpMyWife and is she a lot shorter then you ?

till someone wants to lose weight - give up drinking - smoking etc , till they want to do it , it’s not going to happen

I’m less sure it’s delusion, more people want to tell themselves they carry it well it’s not noticeable, they are heavier than they look, they’ve lots of muscle etc,

im a little dismayed by some of the anger displayed on here to the op. There are multiple threads about a woman posting about her overweight husband and the responses are very much tell him, tell him he’s selfish, why should you have sex you don’t enjoy, he’s negatively impacting your family and often some insults like he’s a greedy pig,

but when it comes to an overweight woman there is outrage from some. How dare it be mentioned, she knows, how shallow are you, and some really horrible comments to the op.

The delusion is really damaging, and we’re all supposed to pretend fat people aren’t fat because it might hurt their feeling. See the nonsense that comes out when someone says a BMI of over 25 is fat. ‘Oh but I’m big boned’, ‘oh but I could be an Olympic weightlifter’ etc etc. People kid themselves so much, society backs them up and they end up thinking they’re not fat when they are.

+1

This is so intrusive and you have no need for this detail.

You need to get a back-bone or nothing will change.

If your wife was alcoholic in recovery would you allow bottles of booze in the house? Or if she was a recovering drug-addict would you allow drugs in the house?

Your wife is going to weight watchers and speaking to doctors to try to lose the weight, so in fact she’s trying to be in recovery from her food addiction. So should junk food be in the house?

Well said @Violese it's like the Emperor's new clothes. I think it also contributes to the sense of shame and negativity. If we were more open to speaking about it, it might be easier to lose weight.

I lost a lot about 10 years ago (sadly regained) and I found everyone was suddenly talking about exercise and clothes and food and healthy habits. It took me a while to realise that was always the case and i had been excluded from these discussions most of my life because I was overweight. People didn't want to mention their own losses or gains in front of me, or talk about food or anything that might trigger me. They weren't entirely wrong, I was sensitive, but the tip toeing is ridiculous. I have a colleague from another culture and if I said 'oh I need to lose a few lbs' she would say 'indeed you do, what's the plan?' Wheras most people would say 'oh no you are lovely as you are'.

This woman is not deluded. She knows. So many people are infantalising her on this thread and yes, I would say the same of a man.

No one can make another person lose weight. It has to come from them. If they want to then they can be helped and encouraged but if they don't want to then nothing at all will make them.

OP is wasting his time if that is his aim.

She will get bigger each year. She won't change her diet and she won't attempt to lose weight any more than she has done already.

She might go for WLI as I am certain she is of the mindset that nothing works and dieting makes her miserable and WLI has probably crossed her mind.

If the only obstacle for her is the cost then that is the one thing that OP could reassure her about, if he is happy to support the cost for as many years as necessary.

Other than that, his input is done. She doesn't need another person telling her she needs to lose weight like she's an idiot who doesn't already know that.

Speaking personally, I was deluded. I 'knew' I had gained a bit of weight because I had to keep sizing up my clothes. But I was in denial about how much. It was only when I'd sized up 3 times and then even that size was too tight that it triggered a realisation it was worse than I thought, and I got on the scales. I thought I'd probably gained a stone. I had gained 3 stone. Logically of course it must have been more than a stone but I avoided 'knowing' that.

Seeing that number on the scales prompted me to lose and control my weight because I didn't want to be in that situation again. That was my choice to make. There is very little anyonelse can do to help/encourage OP's wife. She has to decide for herself.