To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Not what OP is asking for advice on, but if her French isn’t good, then she shouldn’t be speaking to her baby in it; do OPOL and leave that to her husband. Provided they stick to OPOL, and reinforce the French with cartoons, holidays etc, baby will grow up bilingual, and speaking French correctly. It will also help OP, as she’ll absorb more French when she hears her husband talk to their baby. Her child will be a French citizen (what a gift!), and OP can get her own citizenship once she’s at B2 level.

My DH is from a similar European culture, and we too had his family descend on us about 6 weeks before the birth, and I remember how stressful it was.

Yes, but she's 28 weeks now, iirc. This might not be the case at 35 or 36 weeks, especially if the baby is in the 98th percentile. She's already on crutches.

Husband's got the smoothest brain going here and that's not a good thing.

Who would ask 4 people to stay, much less dismantle a nursery when the wife is at 36 weeks?

Could all be signs of bigger problems… if DH wants other people around and imposing all is likely not ok in the relationship in general. If OP standoffish, these ‘friends’ are likely to notice, say and that’ll drive further wedge. Suffice to say in coming years either the Wife or the friends won’t be on the scene as much…

There's a huge difference between being able to work full time, and being able to do that and then another several hours on top of that hostessing, isn't there?

I'm 28 weeks; I work a physical job and I do it pretty well, and when I get home I am done.

This is perfectly sensible and normal.

If someone expected me to do a second shift involving all the faff around a three-course meal, speaking a foreign language, dealing with someone else's small children, washing up ... no, I wouldn't be up for it.

It's totally sensible for the OP to predict that by 35 weeks she wouldn't be up to any of this.

Interacting with guests as soon as you get home from work day is trying at the best of times, OP will be heavily pregnant. And who wants to go straight to bed after dinner?

This is an important psychological time to nest on your own home in the weeks before due date. The OP has had a very physically challenging pregnancy to date which means it’s also been hugely emotionally draining - she’s clinically vulnerable and anything she needs to reclaim any sense of security comes first. She has expressed her opinions on this family of 4 and how incompatible they are with her values and how mentally and logistically disruptive they will be.

She has no need to be hiding away in her bedroom to accommodate these skinflints with all she is enduring.

Why is it ‘standoffish’ to protect the wellbeing of your unborn child at the very end of a clinically vulnerable and challenging pregnancy.

Well I certainly wouldn't want to go to bed but other posters are suggesting she does so. She can always hang out in another room.

I'm obviously in the minority here but I can't see this as a big drama if Dh is cooking and cleaning. What happens if she says no and then wants her mum to stay for a week when baby comes but dh says no? There has to some give and take.

Your husband just wants a servant, not a wife. Let him pay for a servant. Three course fresh dinners every night when you're working? Why are you so desperate to hang on to this self-centered oaf?? Why are you going along with whatever HE wants??? He is treating you like sh*t because you've allowed him to do that. Book yourself into a hotel when his guests are due, and don't even tell him where you are.

Really can’t compare the two situations. When having a baby, the last thing you want are visitors staying, who want feeding and entertainment, whereas you definitely need your Mum for help and support! Why should she have to hang out in another room like a lodger? She and her baby are priority should be prioritised, not relatives who can come later in the year.

Yes that’s exactly the same situation.

Why should she go and hang out in a different room in her own house. How relaxing do you think that will be with young children running around?

That calls for consideration, common sense and empathy - sadly lacking in the would be visitors!

The being pregnant but wouldn’t be relevant to me. The houseful of guests you clearly have not enough room for, would be. Also, I don’t cook, so unless my husband sorted all of that side of things, it would be a big no.

People are quite clearly suggesting that so that she can't get roped into looking after guests who sound quite demanding.

It's not 'give and take' that you're describing. I can't personally imagine anything worse than my MIL coming to stay for a week, but if my DP had wanted that after our DD was born, I would have figured that was her choice since she'd just had a baby. Very different from deciding to invite friends with small children round - and using up annual leave to host them - a few of weeks before your wife gives birth.

I had 5 kids in 10 years so I do know how stressful pregnancy is so I suggested compromise and a few suggestions. My sisters partner has walked out on her twice after 'discussions ' so I see another side to this . Agree with what you say but in some circumstances men need that softly softly approach as most aren't that understanding to demands and they are convinced they are either right or you are sprouting trivia. After being with the same often stubborn bloke for 44 years I can bend him like plasticine if I do the options approach .If not I mainly come out worse. Anger or saying you are doing nothing rarely works. Many can't even see they are being selfish. I think simple planning also gives you peace of mind but I realise we all have different thoughts.

Your husband just wants a servant, not a wife. Let him pay for a servant. Three course fresh dinners every night when you're working? Why are you so desperate to hang on to this self-centered oaf?? Why are you going along with whatever HE wants??? He is treating you like sh*t because you've allowed him to do that. Book yourself into a hotel when his guests are due, and don't even tell him where you are.

A visit from mum is different. These are her partners friends who want to be wined and dined / ferried about to London.

Forgot to add, for about 5 weeks our house was a tip and we were living on tinned soup and ready meals 😅 and the only "guests" we've had have been family who stayed long enough to drop off food, admire baby and take away dirty laundry!

Thankfully now things are getting better on that front, I can drive again, and baby is getting his vaccinations so I'll be comfortable with more people around him. Would it be so hard to wait a few weeks more for your husband to see his mates?

Hi,

Imsorry your partner isn’t listening to you. Pregnancy is so personal. I gave birth to my first last year due a few weeks after Xmas. I had stipulated that I refused to travel to see relatives for Christmas. They were welcome to spend Christmas with us but couldn’t stay so DHs family got an Airbnb nearby and we had a lovely Xmas but I also had my house to retreat to once I was done with festivities.

to the people saying that your partner will just have to host them that’s all well and good until you are tired an just want to sit on the sofa watching tv or the 3rd trimester pregnancy hormone kick in. Highly recommend just keeping your home space sacred. Rearranging the nursery seems like an excellent way to trigger 3rd trimester rage… to the suggestions of having people to stay soon after baby arrives. Respectfully that’s insane. Even if you recover fine and baby sleeps you will still just not want people in your house while you are dealing with a newborn.

a baby is a big life change. Neither you nor your DH know what that looks like for your family. Making hosting plans so soons after is going to be a challenge. Totally understand if he wants to try to make sure that you still see friends etc once baby arrives but do it in a way that gives you an out like going to the pub. If friends don’t accept that and just want the free room then they are awful…

I think he is being thoughtless.. unless these couples all muck in cook and clean but even then the thought of people staying over when you are having a rough time anyway seems unfair to me .

Everyone seems to think that the husband will actually do all that is necessary to look after guests. I wouldn't be so sure. He will explode or guiltify his poor wife, making life even more difficult for her. Itwould be ideal if she had kindly family to.go.to, but not everyone has that.
She seems afraid of him, and definitely needs big guns on her side. What about her consultant?

YANBU to be furious about your DH's complete inconsideration.

YABU to be so judgy about their parenting style, very typical of childless people to do so. Just you wait until you're a parent, I was like you too and it all changed the moment my baby was in my arms. Nothing wrong with child-led, or going to bed when the adults do, it's how we've always done it on our household, and before anyone crucifies me, our children do have boundaries in place, child-led does not mean no boundaries.

YABU to remark on your mother living in a remote village the other side of the M25, not sure on the relevance of this, sure you don't want to stay with her, but don't try to make out she lives in the Outer Hebrides 🙄

Im sorry but he clearly has absolutely no idea about having a baby , being pregnant amd so on. You MUST put your foot down here and say NO WAY. Ive had 4 children and it is HARD. You will simply not be able to cope especially if you are breastfeeding. I am feeling so sorry for you right now. Please please say NO.

He is being atypical French husband who does not see nor feel the inconvenience as he is not the one put out. I would suggest indicating you at no longer wanting entertainment nor hosting guests as this is your rest period before birth.. the hosting exhausting… an you do not want guest for the first x months post birth.. if he plans on entertaining a 2nd child